Sunday, February 1, 2015

Johnny Panic: Being All Inspirational And Sh!t 2 of 2

I'm standing backstage and flexing in the mirror. Ronica is pretending to not admire it but I see her smiling out the corner of my eye. I turn to her and smile and she starts laughing. This teacher woman is having none of it. Wonder what her deal is. Ronica gives me a hug which means she is about to give me orders.

“Walter?” she says. I smile. “I know that you know how to behave yourself so try to with these kids.”

“I will.”

“I assume that you'll curse but there are some cameras here and the last thing you need is more bad PR after what happened in Nevada recently” she says. What she's talking about began with me wanting to know if Area 51 still existed and finding out that it still did but not before causing hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage. Stupid government. “Behave yourself.”

“Yes, sex kitten” I tell her. “Where's Zazz?”

“Looking for a new shirt” she says. “Why did you wet and burn his shirt?”


“You can't keep being mean to him” she tells me. Zazz walks in wearing a shirt that is two sizes too small. Just when I'm about to laugh Ronica elbows me.

“Don't say a damned thing” Zazz hisses.

“Ooh, teacher!” I say. “Zazz cursed!”

“Please don't swear” the teacher lady tells him.

“Ha! You got in trouble!”

I'll skip all the rest of what happened where Ronica made me take Zazz outside, give him a heartfelt apology, and fly to New York to grab a shirt from a place he really loves. Let's get to the part where I talk to these dysfunctional ass kids.

“As you all know, today we have a special guest” angry school lady says. “Quiet! I will not continue unless I have your undivided attention!” Wow. Way to kill a room. How does she expect these kids to not be excited about meeting me? Mirrors excited me. I'm Johnny Panic. “Thank you. I'd like to introduce—I said quiet!”

Oh, I can't take this anymore. She brings the mic to her mouth to continue and I quickly snatch it from her hand. She looks around confused, the reality of what's happening not settling in just yet. Next I quickly put the schools mascot head, a lion, on her. By the time she takes it off I've already dropped her off in the parking lot.

“Let me clear my throat!” I shout and the place goes bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I fly over them high-fiving. Three girls grab me and I come down low enough to give some hugs. Of course some of the boys are too cool to cheer. I'll win them over later. Or destroy them. Whichever makes me chipper. “How the fuck are you all doing?!” They cheer. I look offstage and see Ronica shaking her head. “Sorry. Kids. I'm not supposed to curse.” They boo. “Its fine, its fine. You should respect the rules...for the most part. And your elders. Respect old people like the one I snatched off the stage.

“I know there's supposed to be some questions from you all. They handed them to me on these cards.” The kids get quiet. “What's wrong?” None of them speak up. “Wait one damned second. Did you kids get to ask questions? Hey. You. You with the piercing that is far too young to make decisions like that. Did you all get to ask questions?” A small chick with half her head shaved and a nose piercing slowly walks to the microphone they have set up.

“Uh...hi” she says.


“We all, like, made up questions for you, but Miss Webb said that they were dumb so she made her own” she says.

“So that's her name” I say. “What's yours?”

“Shay” she says.

“Thank you for your honesty, Shay” I say. “And stay off the pole. You have a total stripper name.” Everyone laughs. “Let's see what questions Miss Webb had for me.” I shuffled through the cards randomly reading them. “'Dear Mr. Panic. What was your favorite subject in school?' 'Dear Johnny Panic. My friends are pressuring me to do drugs. I do not want to but want to be rad. Should I do drugs?' She said 'rad'! Hahaha!” The kids laugh.

“These questions are weak sauce. But I can answer them real quick. I was taken out of school by the time I was 6 because I was too awesome to be there. As for It depends. You all are, like, 12 through 15. 16 for the dumb ones. Don't do drugs yet. If you think life is so hard that you have to get high right now then being an adult will crush your soul. Just chill on drugs for now.” I use my hot hands and burn the cards. The kids ooh and ah. “Now for your real questions. You can pass those mics around.”

I'm gonna machine gun this quick. Most of their questions were the same or stutarded so I'll just mention the good ones.

Q: Who was your first girlfriend?

Johnny: A very famous actress that I am contractually and legally not obligated to say. She was older than me and all that but treated me like a man. Speaking of older women, don't have sex with your teachers. I know that's a thing nowadays.

Q: Will you marry me?

Johnny: I don't think my girlfriend would like that. Plus, I'm way too much work.

Q: How did you meet your girlfriend?

Johnny: I'm sure some of you know this so I'll be quick. I was framed by the government for blowing up an airplane and my best friend, Zazz. He's the fat guy you always see with me. Anyways, while I was trying to clear my name I meet Ronica for the first time. She ran a fansite for me which happened to be the best one. No fan-fiction on it or anything. She helped me get the word out on my innocence, and I quickly realized that I loved her. It didn't hurt that she was hot in all the right places. Ronnie, come out and say hi! Zazz, stay back there you'll scare the children!

Ronica comes dragging Zazz out by his arm. She waves to everyone. I give her a hug and the girls go “Aww...” Then I grab Zazz and kiss him on the cheek. Everyone laughs. One kid shouts “Gay!”

“Hey, its only gay if you don't resist” I tell them. That needs to be on a shirt. I grab some seats for Ronica and Zazz so they can sit down then I continue.

Q: How fast can you fly?

Johnny: I'm not sure. Mach 7, right? Yeah. They tested me and I went Mach 7. Supposed to be fast.

Q: Have you ever been to space?

Johnny: Yes. And it is boring. I went to Mars to help out N.A.S.A and that planet sucks. Nothing there. No aliens or robots.

Q: What are all your superpowers?

Johnny: I can fly. I'm strong as shit. Sorry, Ronnie. I have a cool sonic scream that came out of nowhere. Ronnie was actually there when it happened! And then I got hot hands. That's about all I can do but one day I might learn something new.

Q: Were you ever bullied?

Johnny: Yes! Before I got awesome my brothers all picked on me and then one day I tossed one of them into the atmosphere.

Zazz: So that's where that came from.

A: Are there any bullies in the audience? Oh, come on. I know there are. Can someone point out a bully?

Three boys are pointed out in the crowd. Of course they look like they aren't having fun.

Johnny: Bullies are sad. Mostly because they get out of school and then find out what bullying really is. They get bullied by their bosses, their women, and eventually prisoner number 18364. They get beat up at home and take it out on someone smaller than them. All they really need is a hug...or to have their asses kicked.

The kids laugh.

Johnny: I'm serious. Even Zazz here got into it with a bully once and won. There is a guy walking around that was defeated by this guy! So if you ever see a bully picking on someone all of you just kick his ass!

The kids cheer.

Ronica: No! That is not the answer. Look, being your age is great and terrible at the same time. You have all these ideas about how you should live your life but lack the ability to bring them into fruition. I know it sounds cliché but you should really enjoy these years. All the popular kids will have it just as hard as you later on. Just figure out what you want from your life and aim for that. But always have a plan B.

Johnny: Yes! That pill will save your life!

Ronica: That's not what I meant.

Johnny: Pills! Pills for all!

Q: What are you afraid of?

Zazz: Birds. He hates birds so much.

Johnny: Birds suck! Who's with me?

The kids cheer so I decide to get a chant started.

Johnny: Birds suck! Birds suck! Birds suck! Birds suck!

Q: What was the best day of your life?

Johnny: I don't have just one. So far there was when I started dating Ronica. When we had our baby, Milly. Where is Milly, anyway?

Ronica heads back stage and comes out with Milly floating like a balloon with a tether attached to her. The crowd cheers for her. Milly laughs and squirms in the air. Ronica pulls her down and carries her. She hands her to me and she immediately tries to eat my hair.

Johnny: Who's the stink? Who's the little stink?! Zazz getting married made me happy.

Zazz: It did?

Johnny: Yeah. I thought you'd finally move out. Getting my mom a house. My own shoes named and designed after myself. Lots of best days.

Suddenly Miss Webb is finally able to get back into the building. She is sweaty and mad and all the kids laugh.

“I'd like to thank Miss Webb for inviting me to speak to all of you!” I say.

“I am going to have you arrested for--”

“And announce that I am donating $3 million to your school!” Everyone cheers. Miss Webb's mouth drops. “How ya like me now?”

Click here for this and previous Johnny Panic.

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