Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Dante Saves You: Bank Heist Edition

I know it has been a while since I tried to save you all. This time I am gonna teach you how to survive a bank heist in this Dante Saves You: Bank Heist Edition. I'm not gonna teach you how to survive being robbed. Nope. I am gonna teach you how to survive being on the other side of the law.

Let's say you have decided to rob a bank. There are many reasons why you'd make this dumb decision. If you really wanna rob people go into real estate. You are gonna need a team and getting a team is hard. Think of about four other people that you think could keep any secret. Hard, isn't it? Now try to think of that many that you could successfully pull off a robbery with. Even harder. But have no fear. That is why I am here to teach you how to survive this nonsense.

Sexy Beast

You have retired from the life of crime. Just chilling in your Speedo's and sunbathing, reveling in the life you have made for yourself through criminal activities. All of a sudden someone from your past shows up. The worst personal on the planet named Don Logan. No one likes this guy. Even other criminals hate being around him. He tells you that he needs you for one more job and will not take no for an answer.


Run! You knew this guy was coming and you, for whatever reason, thought that you could reason with him or worse tell him that you wouldn't be a part of it. Does Logan look like a reasonable person? What was it he said to you after you told him no? Oh, right. “Shut up, cunt. You louse. You got some fuckin' neck ain't you. Retired? Fuck off, you're revolting. Look at your suntan, it's leather, it's like leather man, your skin. We could make a fucking suitcase out of you. Like a crocodile, fat crocodile, fat bastard. You look like fucking Idi Amin, you know what I mean? Stay here? You should be ashamed of yourself.” Yeah. Just run away or call the cops. You need no part of this.

The Doberman Gang

Uh...yeah. So you train animals. Dogs. Dobermans specifically. You have trained these dogs so well that they are now able to pull off a bank heist without the help of humans. Just passing notes, having the cash stuff in their cute little pouches, and then running off.


You are a crazy person. This is something that you should've thought of, laughed, and continued drinking wine while taking prescription medication. Okay, fine. Let's say you go along with it. Pray that none of your dogs are easily distracted. Hope that no random guy is walking down the street with a sausage in his back pocket. You know what? Just stop. This is a bad idea.


Pros! Yes! You are surrounded by a bunch of guys that know what the fuck they are doing. Except for that one guy. Here;s a warning for you: if you have more than three people with you one of them is gonna be crazy, an asshole, or both. So one of these guys is on your team. Hopefully he won't screw up.


One of them screwed up. The new guy of course. That's another thing you have to be careful about. The new guy is gonna fuck up or be the crazy guy. He left some clue behind and now the cops are on your ass. First get one of the other guys to kill his dumb ass because reasons. Once he is gone you all need to divide the money and never hang out again. Just cut your loses. You're too old for this shit anyway.

Sugar & Spice

One of your friends, a cheerleader, gets knocked up by the school quarterback. Now the only way she thinks she can support herself is by robbing banks. Oh, and she wants you to help her in this endeavor. Sounds like fun, right? No. Its a stupid plan and you should say no but she knows some really dark shit that you did in junior high so you help her out.


Since you decided to help her out you might as well go full stupid. Get masks that look like creepy dolls and use your cheer leading routines to rob because because that is not suspicious at all. Just make sure that no one gets weird and wants to tell their boyfriend that can't lie about it because he will for sure snitch on you. This needs to be a one and done operation otherwise every group of White girls are gonna be hunted like animals.

Reservoir Dogs

This should be a template on what and what not to do when planning a heist. There are a bunch of you and some of you know each other by name or reputation. You are given code names and told to keep your shit together. There are your regulars. A veteran thief, a weirdo, a fraidy cat, and someone that none of you are quite sure about. Maybe he shouldn't be here. He could be a cop. Naw. He looks honest.


Goddamn it. He's a cop. But he is the least of your problems. One of the guys with you is a certified psychopath. He's kidnapped a cop and is torturing him to death while singing and dancing. This is another one of those types that can't be reasoned with. You should just kill him instead of talking mad shit. And that guy dying on the floor? Leave him. He's not your buddy. You're all thieves! And who steals jewels anyway? You're not pirates! Unmarked bills, man!

Click here for previous Dante Saves You.  

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