Thursday, February 26, 2015

Johnny Panic: Superman Never Bragged 2 of 2

I fly back home and am still in a crumby mood. Stupid cops. Stupid city. Stupid poo waving hobo. I land and Ronica is standing on the porch with Milly floating with a tether attached otherwise she'd just keep going up. She wouldn't die in space or anything but space is big and finding a giggling baby in space is hard. Trust me. It happened once.

Ronica doesn't look happy.

“Hey, sexy ass” I say to her. She just looks at me. “Okay, fine. I screwed up.”

“Don't just say you 'screwed up', Walter” she tells me. Whenever she uses my real name that means she is mad at me. She's been using my real name a lot lately. “I told you to come back home because I knew you'd say something stupid.”

“You didn't tell me to come home you texted me” I say. Point: Me. “If you had called I would've known you were serious.”

“You need to fly back and apologize” she says. I laugh. She doesn't. “Don't make me call your mother.”

“You wouldn't dare” I say. I give her my stare of smoldering intensity. Milly laughs at me totally ruining the moment. “She's recovering in the hospital, babe. You can't bother her with--”

“She called a few minutes before you got here” she says. “She is feeling better and wonders why you didn't bring your brothers to come see her.”

“Because my brothers are dick chairs” I mumble. “I'll give her a call and then I'll strongly consider apologizing to those stutarded cops.”

Ronica gets up and gives me a kiss on the cheek and Milly goes straight for my hair. I pry myself away and head inside. I head to the fridge and grab a version of Coke that hasn't even been released yet. Probably for good reason. It tastes like a sore shoulder. I head into the living room and flip on the TV. There is coverage of the “robbery” I stopped earlier. I'm stalling. I pull out my phone and call my mom.

“Hi, Wally” she says. I swear, if anyone else ever called me that name I'd launch them into the moon.

“Hi, mommy!” I say. Ronica happens to walk by right then. She shakes her head at me, smiles, and heads upstairs with Milly. “How are you doing?”

“Much better, Wally, thank you for asking” she says. “How are Ronica and Mary?” She calls me Wally but calls Milly Mary. “You taking good care of them?”

“I take care of the world, mommy” I say. I think she forgets that I'm a superhero.

“I didn't ask about the world, Wally” she replies. “I asked about your family.” If she weren't my mother I'd throw her into-- “And you'd better not be thinking about throwing me into outer space.” Damn it.

“No...” I say. “Fine. Yes. I was. Sorry, mommy.”

“Ronica told me about what happened this morning” she says. “What did I tell you when you were a kid?”

“Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks?” I ask.

“Wally!” she shouts. “Watch your mouth!”

“It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none? With great power comes great responsibility? Love means never having to say you're sorry?”

“Are you done?” she asks.

“Maybe” I say. “You know my memory is crap.” My mom sighs at me.

“I told you to respect authority” she says. Now its my turn to sigh. “I told you that because of what you could do that people that couldn't fly, lift cars...”

“I can lift buildings.”

“...or breathe in space would be resentful of you” she tells me. “Every time you show up that just makes the police look like they can't do their job. I'm sure they called for your help earlier and even though you think it was a waste of time it made their lives a little bit easier. You still there?”


“You're special, Wally” she says. I can hear her smiling over the phone. “Go apologize to that nice policeman.”

“Do I have to?”

“I'm your mother so yes” she says. “I love you, Wally.”

“I love you too, mommy” I say. “Let me know when you want me to come grab you.”

“Please use a plane next time” she says. “I almost threw up on your coat last time.”

“Do I look like I'm made of money? Don't answer that. I know I do” I say.

“Bye, Wally.”

“Bye, mommy.”

I won't go into details but I did tell the cop I was sorry that he wasn't good enough to do his job without my help. The best part was when his kids asked me for an autograph and his wife gave me fuck-me eyes the entire time. I can't blame her. I am me after all.

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

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