Thursday, February 26, 2015

The Story Of Dante

Dante was born on the planet Mars in 1979. Many do not know that Mars carried life and they can not be blamed for their ignorance for only Dante was the only being there. After digging through 15 miles of crusty crust he emerged and set his sights on the planet known as Earth. Using only the power of his mind he was teleported to Los Angeles, CA which would become his new home.

Upon landing on Earth he was taken in by a family that attempted to contain his ridiculous levels of creativity. Thankfully he refused to conform to their standards. As a teen he longed to return to his home world or Mars but the discovery of a man-made material known as Fruity Pebbles and vagina kept his feet firmly planted on Terra. Dante studied the 1,124 Sacred Levels of Passion that were created by gods whose names have not been spoken in thousands of years and made it his mission to please women in ways that would make them damn any other man that touched them for they knew they would never feel this good again.

There was no awkward phase for Dante. He knew what he was and kept it secret from the world lest they attempt to murder him in a fit of planetary jealousy. After his teen years Dante approached adulthood the way a pimp approaches a hooker: with reckless abandon. Though women tried to stay with Dante his level of skill was far too much for them and they fell to the wayside. As Dante once said and Ghostface Killa stole and used in a song “No girl can freak me, I'm just too nasty.”

March 4th is to be celebrated as the day Earth was given the gift of Dante yet wasted it. Ancient scrolls have said that no day shall pass without some stank on Dante's hang low yet there have been months, nay!, years where this has transpired. In less than seven Earth days Dante will be 36 Earth years and assume his ultimate form. Food will taste better. The sky bluer. Ass further away. On that day look to Mars and say “Thank you for Dante. For he has blessed us with his incredible tongue that won't quit and fingers for which to reach places most men never think of.”

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