Dante was born on the planet Mars
in 1979. Many do not know that Mars carried life and they can not be
blamed for their ignorance for only Dante was the only being there.
After digging through 15 miles of crusty crust he emerged and set his
sights on the planet known as Earth. Using only the power of his mind
he was teleported to Los Angeles, CA which would become his new home.
Upon landing on Earth he was taken in
by a family that attempted to contain his ridiculous levels of
creativity. Thankfully he refused to conform to their standards. As a
teen he longed to return to his home world or Mars but the discovery
of a man-made material known as Fruity Pebbles and vagina kept his
feet firmly planted on Terra. Dante studied the 1,124 Sacred Levels
of Passion that were created by gods whose names have not been spoken
in thousands of years and made it his mission to please women in ways
that would make them damn any other man that touched them for they
knew they would never feel this good again.
There was no awkward phase for Dante.
He knew what he was and kept it secret from the world lest they
attempt to murder him in a fit of planetary jealousy. After his teen
years Dante approached adulthood the way a pimp approaches a hooker:
with reckless abandon. Though women tried to stay with Dante his
level of skill was far too much for them and they fell to the
wayside. As Dante once said and Ghostface Killa stole and used in a
song “No girl can freak me, I'm just too nasty.”
March 4th is to be celebrated as the
day Earth was given the gift of Dante yet wasted it. Ancient scrolls
have said that no day shall pass without some stank on Dante's hang low
yet there have been months, nay!, years where this has transpired. In
less than seven Earth days Dante will be 36 Earth years and assume
his ultimate form. Food will taste better. The sky bluer. Ass further
away. On that day look to Mars and say “Thank you for Dante. For he
has blessed us with his incredible tongue that won't quit and fingers
for which to reach places most men never think of.”
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