Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Deepining

It's that time again. I went online and found some more dating questions. This time it is a list I found of some of the worst dating questions you can ask on the first date. As someone that has not dated much and likely never will again, I still feel compelled to find this kinda stuff and do it. This list came from eHarmony, that dating site. You know the one. Happy people meet each other online and then make babies.

Its easy. Why aren't you on there?!

When I get to know people I like knowing basic information because that tends to be far more interesting than asking about your job. I never ask people about what they do for a living unless it is brought up and super interesting or funny. Otherwise its just what you do to not be homeless.

I have been asked some of the questions on his list and will try to answer each of them as honestly as possible...meaning far too much honesty and telling you all shit that you probably don't even need or want to know about me. Let's begin!

How much money do you make?

Currently, enough to support my food and movie habit. I've worked in reality TV the past few years and I go from having almost no money to more than I really need. No one should ever ask someone this question unless they plan on robbing them. Its rude as shit to ask someone this on a first date.

How do I look?

I don't even know where to begin with this one. I don't think I have ever asked someone how I look. By the time I've left the house I've made peace with this face and body. Asking someone on a date this question is like straight up asking “Can you lie and make me feel better?” If you look good someone will tell you. But not me. Fuck that. Its considered harassment nowadays. Okay, fine. I do tell very few people that they look nice but I'm sure it comes out like I want to get in their draws.

Who did you vote for in the last election?

Ugh. Politics. I hate talking about or hearing about this stuff. If someone asks me this question on a first date I am gonna begin to count down the time until I can escape. This question is like asking “How much do you agree with what I believe in because if you give an answer I don't like I'm gonna judge you?” I have views that float on the side of multiple parties but the one I agree with most times is the Green Party.

How many kids do you want to have?

At the moment, none. None at all. Raising kids is hard and I like living my life of almost no responsibilities. If I could get someone to chew my food for me I would. Other people's kids are fine for the most part unless they're assholes. Don't act like you don't think some kids are. Nothing worse than seeing someone's kid and knowing that they are a jerk. I've talked about having kids a couple of times with ex's but as you can see that never quite worked out.

What kind of wedding do you want to have?

So small that no one even knows its happening. When I see weddings with a hundred guests I am shocked. I can think of maybe six or seven people I'd want at my wedding. If I were to get married (ha!) it would be very small and people would only know I was married because I was now wearing jewelry which I never do.

What went wrong between you and your ex?

This is one I've been asked. It depends on how the last relationship ended but the answer is usually “Because I wouldn't become someone else.” This is the final version of me and while I am okay with it people will end up liking me and then either wanting to add things they want from a guy or try to turn me into a guy they had in the past. I've never understood the concept of liking someone and then wanting to change them. I'd rather be alone.

Have you ever cheated on someone?

Of course I've been asked this one. The quickest answer is that I thought that I did once but it turned out that I was already single and just wasn't told.

Have you ever been in love?

Yes. Usually with someone that I can't have but there have been a few that I was seriously in love with. And of those women there is only one that I still talk to and still love but knew that I wasn't right for her. It was the most adult breakup I've ever had.

Where do you see this relationship going?

Whoa! First date. Come on now. Slow down, turbo. See, if I was smooth I'd answer with something like “Back to my bed. Hi-yo!” But that is what I'd think but not say out loud. Instead I would probably laugh and force myself into the friend-zone. Its my mutant ability.

Why are you single?

Because I am bad at womening. Also, there's that whole refusal to change thing I mentioned above. And I also have a lot of female friends and that makes women insecure. And I have no goals that go further than the next Batman film. And...

Are you afraid of commitment?

I'm afraid of bad commitment decisions. Like, say I get some chick pregnant. I'll have to disappear. Dye my hair blond and move to Mexico or something. I can't handle that responsibility right now. A kid is commitment. Or getting shacked up with the wrong person. That has happened. I don't want to commit to something bad and hate taking chances so that keeps me at the same pace. Its not bad but its not exactly good either. Like Hawaiian Punch.

What do your parents do?

The are professional injured people. They've always worked in some form of customer relations/service of some sort no matter what they did.

Do you have any STDs?

Lord, no! I have managed to make it 35 years without jacking my junk up. Plus, rarely getting laid helps.

What's your greatest regret?

Why would someone ever ask this on a first date? Most of my friends don't even know my greatest regret and some of them have known me for half my existence on this planet. Smart ass Dante wants to just answer “This date.”

Do you think your parents will like me?

Nope. Well, my father won't care. I don't think he has ever really cared about who I was dating. My mother has never expressed an interest in who I was dating. She just wanted to know what race they were because according to her and many in my family I only date White women. By the way, I have only had one girlfriend that was White. I'm being general. I know what she was and only say White when I don't know what someone is. Like, I would never call my friend in Ireland White. So, I am not sure if they will like you. They may not not like you.

Are you on a diet?

No. Should I be? You calling me fat?! I stay between 220 and 225 pounds. I could be in better shape but since no one sees me with my shirt off there's no point in making this hooptie look any better. I eat whatever the hell I want and manage to stay healthier and not as sick as people who deny themselves bread and meat.

Is that tan spray-on?

No. I'm Black. Jackass.

Have you ever had plastic surgery?

No, but the only thing I would ever get is fang sharpening. I don't have a desire to change my face. Its okay-ish. Nothing magical but it doesn't, like, startle anyone.

What's your five-year plan?

Ha! I don't even have a five week plan. I'm more concerned with my past than my future since one day I assume I'll travel through time and be able to change some shit. I don't particularly like making plans that are far in advance because shit changes all the time. My life is different every five years whether I want it to be or not so picturing even being alive at 40 is weird to me. I'm gonna run this thing into the ground by 38.

Wanna come up for a drink?

Yes! Even though I have some form of autism and Asperger's I know that coming up for a drink means that the sexy time is going to happen. Or it better. Asking me up for a drink and not delivering with the sex is fine when hanging with a friend or someone I know I'll never hook up with. But on a first date? Bang-a-rang. Just some good old fashioned nasty, new person, mysterious smells, stanky, sweaty, leg cramping, condom use optional, judgmental sex. This is why I don't date online.

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