Sunday, November 9, 2014

Dante Explains Shit: Ebola

I like to think that I can explain complicated things in a way that even the dumbest of people can understand. Its not true, but I like to think it. Today I am going to try to explain what the hell Ebola is. A lot of people are afraid of it and freaking out yet not doing anything to actually protect themselves from it. We have a bunch of Chicken Little's running around and those are the types of people that make things worse. There is a difference between vigilant and panicky.

Ebola is a disease that is transmitted from animals to humans because we just can not stop touching the monkeys! Its like getting HIV without the benefit of sex or getting high. After a human gets it they can spread it to other humans because sharing is caring. If you do have the for reals Ebola there is a 50% chance you will die but not before giving it to someone else because you hate washing your hands and shit wherever you please.

"I play in poop!"

The first outbreaks of Ebola occurred in Central Africa (South Central Africa as I like to say) but the current one is in West Africa. The best way to stop an outbreak is to do the opposite of everything that has been done. Managing suspected and confirmed cases, keeping track of them, doctors that know what they're doing, and if need be proper burial.

Proper burial is important because when humans die we just become a cesspool of nasty shit. No matter how you lived or what you died from once a human body starts to decay it is a gross mess and in a lot of countries corpses are high-fived and paraded until buried in a shallow grave where wild animals treat it as a buffet after church. Did you know that Casey Kasem has not been buried yet? He died in June! Think about that for a minute.

Now, let's pretend that you don't have Ebola. You have symptoms of something, but you're not quite sure what it is. First, stop licking all the doorknobs just in case. Once a symptom starts there is a 2 to 21 day incubation period. This is what is typically known in the Western world as “The HIV Test Result Wait.” You're sure you don't have it but...maybe? Symptoms include being tired, fever, muscle pains, headaches, and a sore throat.

Not. Helping.

Don't start panicking yet, asshole. Those are just the signs of a fever. Next there is the fun part. Vomiting, peeing out of your butt, rashes, and your kidneys and livers don't want to play anymore. In some cases, which is the ones the news likes to sensationalize, people start bleeding out of every hole in their body. Mouth, ears, nose, and ass. Just everywhere.

If you are infected you can transmit the disease through all your body fluids. Breast milk, your blood, your poop, and even your semen. Stop fucking! If you are sick you shouldn't be having sex anyway, ya freak. There is no vaccine for Ebola right now, just containment. It is the same way I treat myself when I love someone I can't have. Acknowledge it and try my best to not let anyone else get infected by it.

Attacking this disease at the source is important. You need to make sure that you thoroughly cook your fruit bat and monkey meat. If you are handling raw meat make sure you wear gloves which if I know Africa rubber gloves are everywhere. Zebras have been getting tangled in them for years. If you are around someone with Ebola don't play with their body fluids. Yes, I know that it looks fun in those German films but its not. And last, report the fuck out of someone who has it. I don't care if you're my best friend. You tell me that you got the Ebola I am having folks in hazmat suits invade your personal space! The needs of the many and all that.
So that is Ebola in a nutshell. People get it from animals, give it to each other, and then refuse to report/take care of it. People are lucky Dantania is just in my head and not, like, a thing. Wanna hear what I would have done if I were running shit? Of course you do!

Step 1. Africa is now a place no one gets to go to or come from. Thanks but no thanks. We got enough problems going on in America without bleeding from the ass being added to the list. No international travel until shit is handled...meaning a lot of people will have to die.

Step 2. Care workers that are in infected areas that have symptoms of Ebola will treat each other. There will be no flying your ass all the way back here for treatment. You know how many people have been infected and just leave their houses when they are supposed to be under house arrest? One is too many. You get to stay in Africa and play the waiting game. Enjoy your time there. Its the muthafuckin' cradle of civilization.

Step 3. This is the most important one. Wash your shit! Don't be nasty. Hand washing, covering your mouth when you sneeze, not shitting all willy-nilly in places. These are things that can help. Oh, and stop eating bat meat. The fuck is with that? How much meat can you get from a bat anyway? And is it worth it getting that nugget worth of meat if the worst case scenario is bleeding out your eye holes? Stop it. Have some fruit. Or a zebra. They are way easier to catch once they've been trapped in rubber gloves. You know what they call zebras? The chicken of the Serengeti. 

My name is Dante and I approve this message.   

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