I like to think that I can explain
complicated things in a way that even the dumbest of people can
understand. Its not true, but I like to think it. Today I am going to
try to explain what the hell Ebola is. A lot of people are afraid of it
and freaking out yet not doing anything to actually protect
themselves from it. We have a bunch of Chicken Little's running around
and those are the types of people that make things worse. There is a
difference between vigilant and panicky.
Ebola is a disease that is transmitted
from animals to humans because we just can not stop touching the
monkeys! Its like getting HIV without the benefit of sex or getting high.
After a human gets it they can spread it to other humans because
sharing is caring. If you do have the for reals Ebola there is a 50%
chance you will die but not before giving it to someone else because
you hate washing your hands and shit wherever you please.
"I play in poop!" |
The first outbreaks of Ebola occurred
in Central Africa (South Central Africa as I like to say) but the
current one is in West Africa. The best way to stop an outbreak is to
do the opposite of everything that has been done. Managing suspected
and confirmed cases, keeping track of them, doctors that know what
they're doing, and if need be proper burial.
Proper burial is important because when
humans die we just become a cesspool of nasty shit. No matter how you
lived or what you died from once a human body starts to decay it is a
gross mess and in a lot of countries corpses are high-fived and
paraded until buried in a shallow grave where wild animals treat it
as a buffet after church. Did you know that Casey Kasem has not been
buried yet? He died in June! Think about that for a minute.
Now, let's pretend that you don't have
Ebola. You have symptoms of something, but you're not quite sure what
it is. First, stop licking all the doorknobs just in case. Once a
symptom starts there is a 2 to 21 day incubation period. This is what
is typically known in the Western world as “The HIV Test Result
Wait.” You're sure you don't have it but...maybe? Symptoms include
being tired, fever, muscle pains, headaches, and a sore throat.
Not. Helping. |
Don't start panicking yet, asshole.
Those are just the signs of a fever. Next there is the fun part.
Vomiting, peeing out of your butt, rashes, and your kidneys and
livers don't want to play anymore. In some cases, which is the ones
the news likes to sensationalize, people start bleeding out of every
hole in their body. Mouth, ears, nose, and ass. Just everywhere.
If you are infected you can transmit
the disease through all your body fluids. Breast milk, your blood,
your poop, and even your semen. Stop fucking! If you are sick you
shouldn't be having sex anyway, ya freak. There is no vaccine for
Ebola right now, just containment. It is the same way I treat myself
when I love someone I can't have. Acknowledge it and try my best to
not let anyone else get infected by it.
Attacking this disease at the source is
important. You need to make sure that you thoroughly cook your fruit
bat and monkey meat. If you are handling raw meat make sure you wear
gloves which if I know Africa rubber gloves are everywhere. Zebras
have been getting tangled in them for years. If you are around
someone with Ebola don't play with their body fluids. Yes, I know
that it looks fun in those German films but its not. And last, report
the fuck out of someone who has it. I don't care if you're my best
friend. You tell me that you got the Ebola I am having folks in
hazmat suits invade your personal space! The needs of the many and
all that.
So that is Ebola in a nutshell. People
get it from animals, give it to each other, and then refuse to
report/take care of it. People are lucky Dantania is just in my head
and not, like, a thing. Wanna hear what I would have done if I were
running shit? Of course you do!
Step 1. Africa is now a place no one gets to go to or come from. Thanks but no thanks. We got enough problems going on in America without bleeding from the ass being added to the list. No international travel until shit is handled...meaning a lot of people will have to die.
Step 2. Care workers that are in
infected areas that have symptoms of Ebola will treat each other.
There will be no flying your ass all the way back here for treatment.
You know how many people have been infected and just leave their
houses when they are supposed to be under house arrest? One is too
many. You get to stay in Africa and play the waiting game. Enjoy your
time there. Its the muthafuckin' cradle of civilization.
Step 3. This is the most important one.
Wash your shit! Don't be nasty. Hand washing, covering your mouth
when you sneeze, not shitting all willy-nilly in places. These are
things that can help. Oh, and stop eating bat meat. The fuck is with
that? How much meat can you get from a bat anyway? And is it worth it
getting that nugget worth of meat if the worst case scenario is
bleeding out your eye holes? Stop it. Have some fruit. Or a zebra.
They are way easier to catch once they've been trapped in rubber
gloves. You know what they call zebras? The chicken of the Serengeti.
My name is Dante and I approve this
message.
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