Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Crap Chronicles IV

If they gave out badges for oversharing I'd get it. I hate public restrooms. I find it hard to use them for number one's let alone number two's. But this series of stories is about number two's and I swore I'd written about this before but I can't find it. This story involves Little Tokyo, video game awards, and a porta-potty.

KP and I had tickets to the Spike TV Video Game Awards and I was going to meet him at his place and then we'd hop on the subway to downtown L.A. I headed to his house and he wasn't waiting outside like we'd planned. Someone that lived in his building opened the door and I came in criminal style and went to his place. I'd been there once before when we filmed a movie. I hear a TV on inside and knock and no one answers. I wait a minute and repeat this. I get mad and head outside and wait some more and it looks like its gonna rain.

Fuck it.

I headed back home on the bus. KP finally calls and now I don't wanna go anywhere. He convinces me to leave the house. He comes to my place and we head downtown. We go to this Japanese spot where he knows someone and we eat some curry. It was good. Afterward we head to the show and halfway there I say to him “I think I need to shit.” He concurs that he is suffering the same affliction.

Now. There are times when I know I need to use the bathroom but have a good time table to work with. Most times I know I can wait until I get home or know how many hours I got until its time to release the hounds. This time I knew I didn't have that luxury. I was going to a very public show with the need to do the ass dance. This sucked.

We get to the show and there is loud music blaring, people everywhere, and porta-potty's placed outside. I'd never used one of these before and thought that I would be able to go my entire life without having to. But there was no way I was going to be able to hold this in. KP and I part ways and I find a porta-potty that appears to have not been used. I cover the seat with enough paper to wrap a mummy and sit down using my long ass arms to hold the door closed.

Then I unleash the beasts.

I have to admit, it felt very weird to be in the most vulnerable position a human can be in besides having sex or giving birth. Shitting is right up there. So I finish up in maybe five minutes and come out sweating like I just got away with murder. We head to the show, have fun, and I promise not to ever eat Japanese curry outside of my home ever again.

Click here for previous Crap Chronicles.

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