Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Seals Are Raping The Penguins!

I keep on seeing words like “unique” and “strange occurrence” in regards to a seal fucking a penguin. Now, this sounds like the beginning of a terrible joke. But this shit is real and it is happening around the world. Scientists are surprised by just how much of this inter-species sex is going on. They first found out about it in 2006 and didn't think it would still be happening.

Sadly, I would have thought the same thing. No way in hell you'd catch a seal fucking a penguin twice. Wrong. 

Not only is this happening on the regular, but it is a learned thing. Baby seal sees daddy seal banging a penguin because he is horny and next thing you know son seal grows up thinking that shit is cool.

Well, its not.

Its not just bad enough that a creature four to five times your size wants to have sex with you (ladies out there know what I'm talkin' about) but sometimes for funsies they even eat them afterward. Could you imagine fucking your food and then eating it? I mean, I love a burger as much as the next man but I'm not gonna fuck a cow then cook it.

A lot of articles use the word “coerce” when talking about this penguin fucking. Shit made me look up the definition of that word.

Coerce: to compel by force, intimidation, or authority, especially without regard for individual desire or volition.

What's even worse is that scientists are saying they don't even know the sex of the penguins. If that's the case that means that the seals don't either. They just see a warm body and fuck it. Ew! It is also said that these attacks last from 2 to 6 minutes (way to go, seals!) and then they rest and start all over again.

Its like me minus the 2 to 6 minute part.

Can you even imagine that shit? You come back to life reincarnated as a penguin. Its awesome. You get to swim with all your friends. Play in the water. Have little eggs. Lay on the beach all day. You have a permanent tuxedo on. Then, bam! 

500 pounds of fat comes crashing on shore screaming about a rape party and you're pinned underneath it while your friends watch. Penguins make the worse friends.

They seriously just stand around watching. They make absolutely no attempt to help. If you're not gonna help, then don't stand around watching. But they do. They just stand there and you know they're thinking “Fuck. Thank god that's not me.” Who knew after all these years that seals were the Bill Cosby's of the nature kingdom?  

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