Thursday, December 4, 2014

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 1

You ever hear the phrase “Don't stick your dick in crazy”? Well, I'm one of those people that like to stick their dick in whatever you say I shouldn't. Oh, its been a while and I should probably introduce myself. My name is Alan Thompson and I'm an alcoholic.

Say hi.

Allow me to introduce you to everyone I've met so far in this lovely facility. Oh, and how lovely it is. Whatever your addiction is it will be cured with the help of our lovely facilitator, Mr. W. Scott. There's also his daughter Carol aka Softy. I don't know why she is here but I love her and want to marry her. So far she and her dad are two of the three people that have assaulted me in the last half hour since you and I last spoke.

The third one is Sad Sack. He was my roommate. I say was because Mr. W. Scott just laid him out after Sad Sack attacked me. Why did he attack me? Oh, that's not important okay fine if you're gonna twist my arm I'll tell you! He said some rapey type things and I may have mentioned this to some women folk and they may have told and Sad Sack may be in jail soon.

There is also Boobs. She has the body of a Greek goddess but the face on a Hindu one. What I mean is that she has a body that can stop traffic but a face that could cause a car accident. I think she is a sex addict. Inky is a tattooed chick with half of head shaved I've seen around and I have no idea why she is here.

Happy Hands was sent here for chronic masturbation. That's not really a problem if you ask me. He is way smarter than he looks but doesn't wash his hands after shitting. Beef is a fat asshole that is here because he is addicted to exercise. I'm kidding. He's a fat fuck. Mary and Joseph are a racist couple that may or may not be brother and sister. They're not nice people. And finally there is Google. This guy rules so much. He knows everything about everyone here.

Then there's the big ass ant but he hasn't spoken to me so fuck him.

I head back to my room and sit down, already missing Sad Sack. Sure he was a large, angry Black man that thought that forcing sex upon his wife was perfectly fine but he was still a nice guy. My hands start to shake so I sit on them. It feels like I'm giving myself an ass massage.

I kinda like it.

I lay down and try to give my dick, stomach, and shoulder time to heal. Oh, god. I just realized that I'm not going to be able to masturbate for a while. I pass out after a few minutes and wake up covered in sweat and that giant ass ant sitting on Sad Sack's bed.

“That's not yours” I tell him. It just stares at me. “You represent everything that is wrong with this country. Just rudeness abound.” The giant ass ant stands, shakes its head at me, and walks through the door. That is not normal. Someone knocks on my door once and then opens it before I can respond.

“You will be having a new roommate” Mr. W. Scott says. “Shut up.”

“I didn't say...”

“You were thinking of speaking and just knowing that you possess enough brain capacity to form ideas in your mind that you can then utilize what few fine motor skills you have to form speech that I can hear bothers me” he says.

“You could've just told me to shut up.”

“I will not divulge the nature of your new roommates condition” he continues. “Before you decide to think to ask your former roommate is on his way to the police station where they will no doubt speak to his wife who will decide not to press charges. He will then be free to find you after your stay here and take out any and all of his rage issues.”

“I know that I'm bad at reading people, but I get the impression that you really hate me” I say.

“I do not hate you, Alan Thompson” he says. “Hate requires care. I loathe you.”

“Somebody didn't hug you enough as a child. Or hugged you too much.” Mr. W. Scott doesn't laugh so I decide to switch topics. “Do you think Carol likes me?”

“I do” she responds from behind Mr. W. Scott. “Dad, they want you at the front desk.”

“Don't call me dad” he says.

“You can call me dad...” I reply. Carol smiles for a split second then leaves. Mr. W. Scott visually castrates me and leaves as well. I think that went well. Mostly because no one attacked me.

“Mr. Alan Thompson. Can you please report to the front desk” a voice announces over an intercom in my room I didn't know existed. Creepy. I tuck my dick sideways and leave the room. The big ass ant is back on Sad Sack's bed.


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