Saturday, May 9, 2015

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 5

Click here for previous The New Hotness.

I wonder if this is what its like when people meet me for the first time. Hell. Every time. After a few more minutes of having our picture taken Anthony Bingham takes me by the arm and we head inside. I feel like a pretty, pretty princess! This guy is intoxicating. Even though I can't be killed by anything known to man he opens the door for me and even pulls my seat out.


I will not be tricked by this guy! I am Johnny Panic. Yes, this guy is amazing. Yes, he looks like a god. Yes, he smells incredible. Yes, his voice sounds like Jesus' butler. Yes, his eyebrows are on fleek. Yes, if he wanted to have a three-way with me and Ronica I'd let him go first. But that does not mean that he is better than me. I've been to space. I fought an alien. I brought down a president. I have more fan fiction than Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch combined. This is just another Englishman I gotta break.

“Its such an honor to meet you” Bingham says.

“You too, dude” I say. Everything I say sounds stupid with my stupid American accent. Dude. What the fuck? “What should I, uh, call you? Anthony? Bingham?”

“Tony” he says. “My friends calls me Tony.” I blush. “I'm not sure where to begin. I mean, I know so much about you already. I follow all of your adventures. I was sent home for wearing a shirt with your face on it in private school over my uniform. Oh. And this...” he says while pulling out his wallet. It was a wallet made when I was just 7 years old and allowed my face to be put on anything. “I still have this.”

“Wow” I say. “I haven't seen one of these in years” I lie. I got about 100 of them. They look awesome.

“I know this may sound silly, but, what does it feel like to fly?” he asks.

“Its like...uh...” I can never describe how it feels. “Its not like being in a plane. I know that. You can feel the plane, like, moving you. Have you ever bounced on a bed?” He nods. “Okay. That feeling you get right when your back hits the mattress and you bounce up? Its like that, but, like, for longer. It feels like I'm being tossed but can control it.”

“Do it hurt at all?”

“No, not at all” I say. I stand up and float for a moment. He smiles and covers his ears. I get an idea. “Is there a backdoor or rooftop entrance to this place?”

“Yes, of course” he says. “Pardon me, but why do you ask?”

“We're gonna go flying” I tell him. He looks happy but a little sad. “Are you scared of heights?” Ha! Pussy! I got him! Oh, little Anthony is afwaid of fwyin'. Finally. Something wrong with this guy. I knew he couldn't be as perfect as he looked, smelled, and talked.

“My late...the thing late fiancee was a big fan of yours” he says. “Bigger than me. And she always wanted to have you fly her around the world. I don' wouldn't feel right. I'm sorry.”

“No, I get it” I tell him. “I know what you mean. My lady, Ronica, she always wanted to kiss Leonardo DiCaprio but I got to do it before she did. She was mad.” He's at a loss for words. 

“Besides flying I know of your sonic scream” he says. “And, of course, your strength.”

“I am stutardedly strong.”

“But I am afraid I do not know much about your 'hot hands' as you call them” he says.

“Hand me something” I say. He hands me his phone. “Uh, something that I can destroy.” He hands me a silver spoon. I hold it with my thumb and index finger and seconds later it begins to glow red before slumping over. Bingham starts clapping.

“That is tremendous!” he says. “The things I would do with your power. I would be incredible.”

“What would you do first?” I ask him.

“End world hunger” he says. I laugh. I don't mean to. But, you know, come on. Its a stupid answer. Its what kids say. “Ending world hunger is funny to you?” He frowns and it makes him look all cute and vulnerable and I feel bad.

“No” I say. “Its just not as easy as that.”

“How so?”

“For as much that I can do over time I learn every day what I can't do.”


“Suppose I make it my mission to stop world hunger” I say. “Where do I begin? Let's say here in America.” Bingham nods. “Where does the food come from? Who grows all of this food that I'm gonna need to feed the millions that are starving in this country alone? Who is going to pay the people that will grow and distribute the food? I have a lot of money but not enough for that. Then there's the people that are hungry but have, like, food issues. Some can't eat bread. Some are allergic to peanuts. Then there are those that don't like charity. Its too much.”

“Okay” Bingham says. “What of war?”

“Stop war?”


“Ha!” I say. “Now that is funny. The world hunger stuff is cute. Stopping war is funny. You remember when my own president tried to frame me for blowing that plane up?”

“Yes” he says. “You believed your friend, Zazz, was aboard.”

“Yeah” I say. “They did it because I refused to end the war on terror. My other friend Toro explained to me how I can't just show up in another country, wreck their shit, and leave waving the ol' red, white, and blue. Its another culture. They don't do things the way I do and that's fine. I wasn't even on the planet when what got that ball rolling happened.

But let's keep going. Suppose one day I wake up and say 'You know what? North Korea keeps starting shit. I'm gonna stop them!' I fly there, crush them in a few minutes, and leave. The world will cheer. Johnny Panic has saved the day! But now all's I really did was leave a spot for another lunatic to take over. Not only that, but imagine how scared the world that is cheering me will be. They saw how easily I defeated an entire country. I didn't need missiles, an army, or even permission. I just did it. What if I decide to do it to Europe? Asia? America? Who will stop me? How will they stop me?”

“What keeps you from, for lack of a better term, losing it and acting these scenarios out?” he asks.

“Four things” I say. “My lady. My daughter. Cheeseburgers. And porn.”

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

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