Dante Bitches About Cosmo Relationship Advice

Cosmo is a site that I go to when I am finished ironing all my clothes, cleaning my apartment, getting my pubes on fleek, and doing everything else a grown ass man should be doing. There is this guy on there that answers relationship question that folks send in named Logan Hill that I've bitched about before because he tends to take a while to answer a simple question. I'm gonna do the same thing again where I take what someone asked and put his reply and then mine. I'll be shortening his replies because fuck all that. Its my blog.

Question: My boyfriend is a terrible sleeper. He tosses and turns all night, and he claims that he sleeps worse when I am there. Because of this, he only invites me to stay over on the two nights a week that he doesn't have to get up for work in the morning so we can sleep in. I hate leaving him to go home when it's a work night. It makes me wonder how we will ever eventually live together or get married if he hates sharing a bed so much. Is this normal?

Logan: I think you could use a little perspective. Have you ever met a man who stayed single for his entire life because he was a light sleeper? I bet not. Guys do not avoid marriage because they toss and turn. He may, indeed, have trouble getting a good night's rest, but I seriously doubt that's the make-or-break issue here.

This isn't just about sleep, is it? It's about space. And it's about setting boundaries. Let's try a thought experiment: If you remove “sleep” from your question, this is what I hear: Your boyfriend only invites you over two nights a week. You hate that. And it makes you worry that you'll never live together or get married. That's quite a leap, right?

Dante: Know why he sleeps worse when you're there? Probably because you're all up on him while he's trying to sleep! I've fallen asleep an hour after my arm did because a girl had passed out on it only to get mad at me when I want to get blood pumping back into it. I've also had girls say I talked in my sleep or snored. Guess what? You farted! A bunch! But I'm classy as fuck so I didn't say anything. You snored, too. You snored and farted and I don't need to bring it up because all's it'll do is make you feel all weird when you go to sleep. If his sleeping habits bug you that much just stay in your own fucking bed and stop complaining about shit people can't control because they're unconscious. Ya harpy. 

Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, but our social media has no indication of our relationship. He doesn't feel comfortable posting about me but posts about all other aspects and friends in his life. (As a result I rarely post anything about him.) Am I being overdramatic? Is it silly to care about social media? Does he not respect me? Should I break things off with him and just remain friends?

Logan: Should you break up with your boyfriend just because he doesn't post your photos on social media? Of course not. This should not be the defining issue of your relationship, but it's not a silly worry either. If you've been dating for a year and he's posting pictures of everyone but you, that does seem odd. But, before you break up with him, try talking to him first, OK? Tell him how you feel and ask him why it makes him uncomfortable to share pictures of you online. There are so many reasons why a guy might choose to keep his dating life private. The worst-case scenario? You're not the only girl he's seeing and maybe not the only one who's wondering why she's not on Facebook. Whatever's going on, the only way you'll find out is to talk it out IRL.

Dante: I have personal experience with this one. My last two girlfriends never made it public online and only told their closest friends or whatnot that we were together. At first I was okay with it but later I was like “Fuck that. Why isn't anyone proud to be my woman?!” Its nice when the person you're with wants to share you with the world. Not having any pictures of the two of you together is shady as hell and weird unless that's just how you live your normal life. You should post a picture of the two of you together, not tag it, and see what he says about it. If he loses his shit its because he's getting some other stank on his hang-low.

Question: So basically my boyfriend tells me I give amazing blow jobs every time I give him head, but I can't help but think he may be getting bored of the same thing all the time (penises do have memory). I try to change up the way I use my tongue and such, but I still feel like they're all pretty much the same! He claims it's the best head he's gotten ever and it looks like he's enjoying it during the time, but people can fake it and it sometimes may be awkward to address! I don't want to lose my title as the best head. Any tips from a male perspective?

Logan: You know, I've been getting a bunch of emails from women who just don't believe it when their boyfriends say they're the best they've ever had in bed. Now, I understand that sometimes a guy will say, “That was great,” and mean, “That was good,” because every guy (and woman) has said that before. I suppose we are all prone to a little post-orgasm exaggeration when we're grateful and spent. I've never told a woman she was “the best” and not meant it. I asked a few friends and they mostly agreed. I had one friend who said he lied when a woman asked him, point-blank, if she was the best (he felt anything less would cause trouble), but none of them said they straight-up lied about it. What would be the upside of lying?

Dante: The fact that he says it every time is just weird. If he says he likes it he likes it. Sometimes there is no need to go searching for a deeper meaning. “I wonder what he means when he...” Shut up! You suck a good dick! Be proud and keep doing what you do. There are a lot of women out there running around thinking they are good at it and a few are because of me. I'm not rude enough to tell someone they are bad but I will let them know how good they are and sing the theme to Karate Kid.

I've never had a woman ask me if it was good. If it is bad I'll just stop you. I'll take care of it myself later while thinking of better blowjobs I had in the past. Yes, that is a thing. Right now I can think of my top three best ones and smile thinking about it even if I never want to see those women again. There is a visible result if you did an even okay job.

Alright, I'm gonna ramble about this for a moment.

You can get a great blowjob that has a shitty ending. They are like the Stephen King books of sex. Its a roller coaster ride of fun and then the ending gets all fucked up. Her arm will get tired. Her mouth will get tired. She starts sighing which as all men know is the sexiest thing a woman can do. She hasn't established whether or not she'll take a shot in the mouth. Or...she's one of those women that say they don't do it. Any guy reading this that is with a woman that says dick sucking is not on her menu, just leave her. That is not a fun woman. You shouldn't have to fight to get it because chances are you've gone down on her whether you want to admit it to your friends or not. She's greedy and selfish. Yes, I've met these women and it is startling to encounter in real life.

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