Tuesday, February 16, 2016

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 7

You ever watch those PETA videos where they show cows being punched in the face and chickens kicked across the pen? I know you have. I haven't because though I may be an alcoholic failure I'm not willing to put myself through that kind of torture. So yeah. I've watched a few of those videos. They get real bad and I cover my eyes but then I quickly realize that the sound is way worse. That's what this is like. All we can hear is the soldiers roaring, women screaming, and the sound of rubber on flesh.

I just described someone's favorite porn.

Happy Hands takes my hands and I don't snatch them away this time. I think Saucy and Joseph may be saying the same prayer. Beef is moments from breaking. Google looks way too calm while Bing is giggling a little bit. Me? I'm prairie dogging. I'm touching cotton. The big brown man is knocking at the back door. This is terrible. One by one the screams stop but I hear the ball still hitting the wall.

“Give up” Mr. W. Scott says.

“Fuck off, dad” I hear Softy say as she shuffles.

I slowly turn and watch as the most perfect woman I've ever met dodges left. She dodges right. One of the Marines tosses high and she does a Matrix type back bend. She looks over at me and winks at me. I wink back. She licks her lips. Mr. W. Scott looks at me and I give him the finger. Everyone cheers and he breaks his clipboard in half over his knee.

None of that happens.

I hear a grunt, the sound of face meeting rubber, a body hitting the ground, and cheering and high fives of a military manner.

“Well done, soldiers” Mr. W. Scott says. “You have served your country well. What you have shown these disturb individuals will go far in their journey to becoming at the very least presentable members of society. Look!” he shouts. We all turn. The ground is littered with bruised women. “All of you, against the wall. Now!”

I walk over to Softy and she is slowly getting to one knee. I walk over and try to help her up. She slaps my hand away until she sees who it is. I smile at her and she smiles back.

“You look like shit” she tells me.

“I probably smell like it, too” I say. “You look kinda hot with blood on your face.”

“Against the wall” Mr. W. Scott says. This guy has to have been trained by a ninja! “And you”, he says to his daughter, “go clean yourself up.” Boobs comes and helps Softy away. “And you, Mr. Thompson.”


“You are about to be introduced into a world of pain.”

Me and the rest of the guys line up against the wall. All of the women are against the wall. Inky rolls her tongue around in her mouth and spits a wad of blood on the ground. She smiles at me. Boobs is holding Softy up. Boobs smiles and a shiver runs down all of our spines.

“If my homosexuality wasn't confirmed before seeing that poor girls face it is now” Saucy whispers. Happy Hands chuckles.

“I'd still hit it” he says.

“The Lord is my Shepard...” Joseph says to himself.

“The Lord can not save you right now” Mr. W. Scott says. “No god conceived by man will be able to help any of you right now. Not Anpu. Not Enki. Not Helios. Not Krishna. Perhaps ńĆernobog.”

“Its a Slavic god of evil in their mythology, before you ask” Google tells me.

“Thanks” I tell him. “But I only pray to one god.”

“Who?” Bing asks.


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