Thursday, February 25, 2016

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 8

These guys look like they were built to hurt other people. Let 'em try. I don't even care. I'm gonna destroy this shit. Okay. Maybe I won't. This sucks. These guys are gonna make me look bad in front of my woman. I can not let that happen. I'm just making headway with her. I think. Yeah. Right? She likes me. Sure, she kneed me in the dick but she kissed me a few seconds later so that means something.

“Wow” Saucy says.


“You were monologuing” he tells me.


“That was all out loud?” I ask. He nods. Mr. W. Scott walks over to me which is weird because I can see him moving. He stops a few inches from my face and spins facing the soldiers.

“Three months pay for whoever removes this man first” he says and walks away.

“That doesn't seem right” Happy Hands says. Softy is eyeballing her dad the entire time. “I'd hold your hands but you seem to have a very large target on your back.”

“His back if he's lucky” Saucy says.

“I'm dead” Beef says. “Look at those guys. They eat people like me for lunch.”

“Now you know how nature feels about you” I say.

“Nice to know that in the face of certain death that you are still confident” Google says. “It makes no sense but its admirable.”

“It is” Joseph says.

“It must be really bad if you're admiring me” I say. “I think I have a plan.” They all scoff. “If this was a movie you'd all face me and I'd give an inspirational speech that would lead us all to victory.”

“Be a pretty shitty movie” Bing says.

“Its barely a TV show” Saucy says.

“Fuck it” I tell them. “I'm not gonna let these assholes beat me.”

“That's the spirit” Saucy says.

“Quiet” Mr. W. Scott hisses. “The women will be allowed to watch.” I know he's doing this just to prove some kind of point to me and or Softy. “Every drop of blood you lose can be replaced with one that is far more useful than the one gone. And you will lose blood. Most of it if I have my way.”

“I don't feel good” Beef says and immediately projectile vomits on his shoes. We all jump away from him. Inky laughs. Mary crosses herself. Boobs makes a face that makes her face seem worse than her normal face. Softy just watches.

“Begin!” Mr. W. Scott shouts.

Beef is the first one down. While he is bent over vomiting he is hit on the top of his head. He falls against the wall and gets it in the face. He covers his face and gets two in the stomach. He slumps over out cold. Bing jumps over his body and slips in his puke. He twists his ankle and starts screaming. A ball to the face shuts him up. Saucy uses Joseph as a human shield. A ball smacks Joseph right between the eyes causing his head to snap back right into Saucy's nose. Saucy squeals and shoves Joseph to the ground.

“Bring it!” Saucy roars. And they do. He dodges the first three balls but the fourth gets him right in the baby maker. Its a pretty big target. I may or may not have taken a gander earlier. He goes down. Google stands still and spreads his arms. Three shots in a row to his face and he's done. Now there's just me.

And that big ass ant.

“What're you looking at?” I ask it. It just shrugs at me.

“Break him” Mr. W. Scott says.  

No comments: