Rosscast Episode 249: All Culturefied

In this episode I talk about Walgreen’s coming to West Hollywood, my trip to the museum, why I’m happy dinosaurs are extinct, Bitches Be Crazy involving sex and McNuggets, Dude What The Fuck? with guns hidden in asses, Bad Parent Of The Week starring biscuits and butcher knives, and Only In Florida where a woman really hates Judge Judy. Click here to download this and here for past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Dante Makes Alternative Fuels

We’re running out of shit to use in terms of fuel. Well, that’s not really true. There’s fuel in places but its near beaches where people don’t want drilling or its in places that are far and thousands of soldiers have to be sacrificed to do it.

"I'll be damned if we're going back to $4.50 a gallon!"

Dinosaurs Terrify Dante

The other day I went to the Natural History Museum with Cam. It was awesome since I hadn’t been there since I was a little kid. It seemed that back then I went to museums more often and by junior high I didn’t care because the classes only went to boring ass places. It turned out that museums were actually pretty damned cool and that it sucked just because I was surrounded by a bunch of idiots (classmates) and a guide (teacher) that didn’t know what they were talking about. Now when I go its with a friend that’s smarter than me and has, like, culture and shit.

Dante Wants These Cars

I don’t drive but my entire life I have been obsessed with cars. No, not regular ass cars that you see driving around all the time. I wanted stuff from movies and TV shows. This is a list of the cool ass cars that I’ve wanted my entire life but will likely never own. And for good reason because I would destroy this entire city within a matter hours.

Dante's Work History In Hollywood

This morning was my last day as an assistant editor for reality TV. Talking trash about reality TV is like punching a three legged retarded puppy. Fun for a few minutes but it gets old fast. Before I ever got into any of these jobs I never knew they really existed. A friend asked if I was interested and I said yes since 2009 was the year I couldn’t find a job for shit. I first started in early 2010 on Hell’s Kitchen as a transcriber. What that means is that you listen to interviews from the contestants and write down everything that they say.

Yahoo! News Is Insane

I usually skip right past the weird ass news stories they have on Yahoo! unless its about a wardrobe malfunction or something. I just don’t care about the strange shit that happens in the world unless its nearby. But there was one story that I saw and went “The fuck…?!” Here is one of those stories.

Kneel Before Zod!

Ask me what I remember about Superman 2? Ask me!!! General Zod, Ursa, and Non. Fuck the rest of the movie. I know that people love Christopher Reeves as The Man Of Steel and the director Richard Donner and all that jazz. But for me the best parts of the movie involved three aliens that had all of the hero’s powers doing nothing but wrecking shit. Because, honestly. That is exactly what you would do if you had as much power as the strongest guy on Earth.

When I was little I liked Superman because of his powers. I didn’t like the character himself. So imagine my surprise when I am ready to watch a crumby Superman movie and all of a sudden these three lunatics show up. I love how they show up and they’re just like “Everything on this planet sucks. Let’s hurt it.”

They beat up hillbillies just for funsies. Burn snakes because, well, no humans were nearby. These three were the nightmare of every Black person on the planet.

"Aw, hell naw!"

Besides their leader General Zod there is Ursa. Knowing nothing about these characters history and not really caring to do any real research, she is mean for no reason. This crazy bitch is so evil that at one point Superman hauls back to clock her. He didn’t even try to punch Lois Lane and she is punchable every time she is on screen. Go and watch a scene with her. See? You totally just punched your screen, didn’t you? Learn some impulse control, you maniac. Allegedly she is a “consort.” That means she gets paid a lot to have sex, doesn’t it?

Totally caught looking at her ass.

Then there is Non. I had to look this guy up because all’s I would’ve written was “He strong.” Dude used to be a scientist but got lobotomized and he is now dumb. I love the way this big crazy bastard looks. Look at him with that rocket. He just took it like “I feel like chicken tonight!” Fully aware that sentence made no sense. I would love to have a guy like this on my team even though he’s a complete glass licker.

They should’ve been able to beat Superman. I mean, they have all of his powers and there’s three of them. But eventually he is able to send them all back to The Phantom Zone which looks like a bad 80’s album cover. There are worse places to be trapped than a mirror with Ursa. She’d be kneeling before Zod alright. Know what I’m saying…?

Halle Berry Needs To Stop It

Everyone knows who Halle Berry is. She’s the hot ass Black chick who we all kinda forget has a poor White mother that gets no credit for birthing her. She is known as one of the best actresses in the world, which I think is very debatable. She’s okay. Not close to great. From Monster’s Ball I know that she can take a good dicking from the human STD Billy Bob Thornton. To this day I scream “Make me feel good!” whenever I can. Never during sex though. That’s where I weep knowing it wont happen again anytime soon.

Halle has been hot for years. But there have been stories. Lots of stories. Most of them have to do with her boobs or her brain, the fourth and fifth sexiest things on a girl. Her boobs because, seriously, they are fucking amazing boobs. And her brain because she has done some pretty strange shit.

No, I’m not talking about starring in Catwoman or her terrible performance in X-Men. I mean like her hit and run accident back in the day. Twice. Then there’s the whole issue of the men she has dated. I’m mentioned this in my previous Halle Berry Theory but since then (three years ago) she has had a child with one guy and fought for child custody and is now engaged to be married to another.

"Happy New Year!!!"

I know a lot of people are asking themselves “Seriously, Dante. How do you have such beautiful eyelashes?” or “What the fuck business is it of yours who Halle Berry dates or marries?” To which I’ll respond “Luck” and “Its my business because fuck you.”

I find it funny that people get upset that I get upset about random shit like Halle’s life. Look, you can all get mad about the 1%, Occupy stuff that means nothing, or the environment that will survive long after humans have been wiped off the globe by Cthulhu riding a comet firing machineguns with laser sight. I’ll concern myself with a chick with great tits. And by the way, that last scenario is totally gonna happen one day.

All this is to say a few things. Halle has been through the ringer with her relationships. We don’t know what she is like behind closed doors (that are padded). But since she wont say I will continue to speculate which I’m fucking awesome at. She will stay with this new guy but not actually get married.

Shortly after she will request that everyone respects her privacy during this difficult time. Maybe she will do a film or two no one sees or knows about (did you know she did two movies last year?). Then she will continue to date people in entertainment that will probably hurt her. Thus the circle of life is complete. Seriously. She named her kid after the female lion from The Lion King.

Kids These Days 2

On my last list Kids These Days I got a lot of positive feedback from people. The reactions were a mixture of laughter and horror. We don’t really think about the old terms we say or the things we used to do no longer being a part of culture or modern life anymore. So here are a few more things that are slowly dying off that necessarily should not.

1. Old Grandparents. This one isn’t exactly something new but it is something that does not happen the way it used to. Now someone can be a grandparent before they’re 40 years old. When I was a kid grandparents were actually old. They were in their late 60’s and early 70’s. This is a family theme though because if a person is a grandparent at 40 that means they had a kid young and the circle is complete. When I was little my grandparents were old. They didn’t play catch with us and run around chasing us. Well, Grandpapa did because we fucked with him while he was sleeping all the time.

Charlyne Yi Makes Me Happy

I’m not even sure why. Charlyne Yi for some reason floats my boat. Granted for a while now my boat has been all over the damned place. There are girls I would never have found attractive all of a sudden hot as hell. I’m the type of person that will like or date someone just because I can talk to them. That in turn will make them attractive to me. Don’t ask how it works. It just does. But this chick in particular, I just don’t get it. Its not that she isn’t cute. She is. Maybe because she is mixed with Filipino, Spanish, Korean, Mexican, Irish, German, French, and Native American ancestry. That’s a lot of stuff.

Dante Doesn't Like Dolphins

Dolphins are dicks. I’m sick of hearing science tell me how smart a creature that can lose its life over the things that hold soda cans together. And are these plastic things gathering in circles and attacking dolphins? I don’t know. What I do know is that dolphins aren’t these magical sea saviors people have painted them out to be. And how are they considered so damn cute when sharks look like just angry versions of them. Seriously, have you ever seen an angry dolphin? I have. They attack you with those damned pointy noses. And that sound they make hurts my ears.

Dante's Fish Died

Billy Ocean Batman Maximus del Prime-O has passed away. I got the crazy little mofo back in mid-2010 from a pet shop that no longer exists. I was working on this show called WCG The Ultimate Gamer and while heading to Little Caesar’s I passed the place and decided that I needed fish in my life. Normally I mean this sexually but this time I mean a pet. When I saw him amongst the other fish he stood out because he was going nuts. The other fish were like “I don’t even care anymore…” But not him. I took him back to work and a few co-workers said “I’ve never seen you this happy.”

I’m sure some people are wondering why I would dedicate a blog to a fish. “Its just a fish…” you say. To understand how much this upsets me you have to know my story. And my story goes something like this.

What The Fuck Are Dirt People?!

Rape. It's what's for dinner.

“What the fuck are dirt people?” I’ve been asked this question countless times which means that they have not taken over. Yet. This crazy bastard Lord Humungus was my first introduction to these mofos. He's a high level one though hence the muscles. When I was little I watched a lot of B Movies. In these movies it seemed cheap to make a film about the bleak future we have to look forward to. I always noticed a running theme in these (besides the lack of lotion). And that theme was fucking Dirt People! These things aren't a figment of my imagination like starting a family, having a full-time job, or one day getting abs. I am just letting you all know that if we aren't careful, we will suffer some dirty ass wrath.

Dante Wants To Do Dumb Things

I’ve watched too many movies in my life. This has led me to thinking and wishing that I could do things that would get my head busted open…if I’m lucky. I’d likely just get wrecked and have to sit in a hospital peeing into a plastic container and whining. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to try everything on this list.

Jump from one high rooftop to another while being chased by cops. I didn't do anything wrong but they think I did and have orders to shoot to kill. As I get away they can't help but marvel at my athletic abilities. Let’s ignore the fact I cant jump high. That doesn’t matter because I have a good horizontal leap. And that’s all I need to make it across a rooftop. That and not to be wearing my damned dress shoes since those make dry, regular ass ground dangerous as Florida.

Astonishing X-Men: Gifted

Marvel Comics needs to get his shit together. Them and their marketing team apparently because I didn’t even know this movie existed. I’m talking about Astonishing X-Men: Gifted. It’s a moving comic book and is based off the series of the same name written by nerd overlord Joss Whedon. Now, we all know that just because something has the X name in it doesn’t guarantee it’ll be successful. This continued that trend. Meanwhile DC Comics is knocking them out the park each and every time.

It starts off with Kitty Pryde showing up at the mansion for the first day of school with a new group of students. The team is composed of Beast, Wolverine, Cyclops, and Emma Frost. Cyclops and Frost are dating even though he is pretty much just using her to keep his genitals warm until Jean Grey comes back. They even point out that people always come back to life. More on that later. Even though these people have known and worked together for decades its like they never have before. Maybe its because Xavier is gone which is fine since he’s a lying asshole.

There is a new drug being developed that will cure the mutant “disease.” A few new students want to give it a try and Beast is all like “Oh, hell yes!” Wolverine is pissed that he would even consider it. So they fight. This is the second fight Wolverine has started since he got back. The cure was built because an alien named Ord that looks like what the Devil picks from his teeth and it makes no sense that any human would look at him and go “I believe everything you say” told them that a mutant was gonna wreck shit in three years.

Fast forward to SHIELD being involved somehow but not really, the team sneaking into the base and finding a dead mutant, and Kitty finding out that Colossus is not really dead but had his mind transported into another body that does everything his old one did. He beats the hell out of the bad guy and all is right with the world. But not. I know that this was just part of an arc but it felt like total nonsense and I don’t get why people thought this was one of the best X-Men stories in the last ten years.