Five Things I Learned About What I Like In Women

As everyone knows, I love the ladies. There is nothing like getting some stank on my hang low. There’s also like turning them off immediately as you’ve just witnessed. When I talk about the chicks I like and am attracted to people automatically assume that she has to have big thighs. Let me clear that up right now. Most of the girls I have had, be it a small amount, have not had big legs. Could you imagine if I wouldn’t even talk to a girl because her legs were small? “Let me get a look at you. Oh, get out of here with your nonsense legs, dame!”

This isn’t a list of physical things I like about women anyway. And before I start I will say that most of these sound like bullshit. Mostly to jaded ass women who have or are dating an asshole that will dump them if they lose their tits or looks. My choices on looks vary from “Holy shit she is too hot to like me!” to looking so strange that my sexuality is questioned. This list is gonna be 100% honest and if you don’t believe me when reading it you can swallow me. Seriously. That would be very nice of you.

Dante Learns The 6th Amendment

I don’t see how anyone can learn these Amendments and not eventually go crazy. We’ll see how I am by the tenth one. Right now we are at the 6th Amendment which is one that is usually heard after something honked up has already occurred in your life. No one tells you this one and hands you a plate of delicious peppermint chocolate chip cookies.

“In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.”

Oh, you done goofed! Now, what they mean by a speedy trial, at least according to my raggedy ass logic, is that within a year of you being in the booty house you have to go to trial. Sort of. A trial cant be held off for, like, no reason. There has to be a damned good reason why you haven’t been tried. They can hold off if they cant find a witness or if the venue changes. What is this? A concert?

Bye Porno Couch

A month ago I got rid of the porno couch. I cal it that because every porno film worth its salt has a large, black leather couch in it. Why? Easy clean up. Ew, right? So for years I’ve been bitching about this monster, saying how I want to finally ditch it. I got it a while back along with another smaller porno couch. It came through the door easily. My brother, his friend, and I had to lift and pull it through my second story window as the gay bar watched and cheered.

My friends kept telling me to just shove it out the window and be done with it. I said I’d have to get drunk. Also, I imagined me tossing it and the damned thing landing on someone’s head. So I called some junk movers and they came and shoved it out the window. Yes, I paid to have someone shove it right out the window. I’m glad to have it gone and my living room is larger which makes me the happy. So, goodbye, porno couch. You were hard to keep clean, I got tired of shining you, and I never got to film myself boning on you.

Hot Harajuku Dancers

Back in 2004 Gwen Stafani put out an album called Love Angel Music Baby. It was an okay album. No, this isn't a music review. You know me better than that. I want to talk about those hot chicks that she had dancing with her in her videos for the album. Her Harajuku Girls were awesome! Growing up I actually had some dancers that were my favorites to watch like Leslie Segar aka Big Lez and Jossie Harris were in a bunch of videos and it didn't hurt that they were easy on the eyes. What the hell was I talking about? Yeah. Stefani's dancers were hot.

Dante Saves You: Creepy Spirit Children Edition

I have taught you how to take out kids once before. What? I haven't? Holy crap. That's not good. Everyone knows that kids are the deadliest thing on this damned planet. Particularly creepy spirit children! These are kids that for whatever reason got possessed or came back from the dead with a wild hair up their ass and they wanna take it out on you because life sucks that way sometimes. We'll deal with it.

Now, I know that some of these are creepy as fuck but we're grow ass goddamn adults and we're not gonna let some kids, no matter how scary they are, run us out of our house! We live here, damn it! Some of these will actually be easier to beat than you'd imagine. Don't let those crazy White women from these films fool you.

Dante Vs. Nature 17

Its going down. I always assumed it would be giant robots or aliens but it turns out I was wrong. Its gonna be mice. Goddamn tiny ass mice. At Yosemite National Park people starting to die from the hantavirus. Oh, what's that you ask? Just a fucking disease that is spread by being exposed to these diseased ass mice pee, spit, and poop. So far three people have died and eight in total have reported being sick since sleeping in the area since early June.

As you can see, no expense is being spared.

Some of the folks that got sick are recovering but fuck that. As soon as the first person died they should have broken into whatever the fuck was on TV and been like “People are dying from the rats! Shit is going down and you all now know!” This hasn't been on the news really all that much. You always wonder in disaster films where it involves a virus how so many people can get something and everyone is quiet about it. This is how. No one is talking about this except for some random ass Black dude with a lot of blogs.

Five Things I Learned About My Wang

I am a man. I have a penis and everything. I've had the chance to use it every once in a while and the results have tended to be unpredictable. It can be the best thing in the world or the absolute worst. When the moon is full and the stars align and Cthulhu stirs in his sleep it needs to be touched by a woman or the next best thing...me.

Now as the owner of what I have nicknamed “The Hospitalizer” I have learned a thing or two about how to take care of it. Sadly, even after three decades of ownership I have to download a new manual because every so often it will do something unexpected and require some sort of maintenance. Here is a list of a few things I have learned while having it.

Dante Bitches About Esquire Magazine

Every year Esquire Magazine puts out a list and they name who is the Sexiest Woman In The World. Now, knowing how all over the place my tastes in women are, there's always gonna be some sort of disagreement I have with the winner. They haven't come out with the 2012 winner yet and I have already chosen who should win it. I'll get to that later. First I want to show who has won since 2004. Why not earlier? Because it didn't exist. Women didn't get sexy until 2002 and it took us another full year to stop boning you all on sight and focus on making lists judging you for your physical appearances.

Angelina Jolie 2004

This was back in the day when Jolie was just the hottest thing since the iron that Penny's mama used to burn her on Good Times. I got into her from the movie Hackers and suddenly she was everywhere and being weird and doing stuff that men think is hot but if their ladies tried it would run screaming or cheat on her with a girl that doesn't want to walk around with a vial of his blood. This version of Angelina makes my pants tight. The current version makes me want to rub bacon on her lips while she is sleeping Terri Schiavo style. I have no problem with this choice.

"Teenage Dirtbag" Part 4

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Aunt Stacy sat at the kitchen table pouring over the morning paper as her cigarettes heat neared her fingertips. The fight involving Camaro and four other students had made the crime blotter and second page of the paper. Stacy sighed heavily as she noticed that the unfiltered cigarette had been singeing her finger for at least the last minute. “Goddammit” she muttered and not being near an ashtray dropped the butt to the floor and mashed it out with her bare feet. A moment later an ashtray was placed in front of her. “Thanks” she said knowing it was Camaro up for his morning run. “How are you handling your time off?”

“It is not time off” he replied. “I was suspended for defending myself.” Camaro snatched a napkin off the counter and simultaneously picked up and wiped the floor clean where the cigarette butt landed.

“Says here that you snapped” Stacy said, placing the paper on the table. “That you are the quiet type. Keeping to yourself. Not participating in school activities.”

Dante Learns The 5th Amendment

Yet another one of those Amendments that people love to throw around. I’m seriously waiting to get to one of these that, like, no one ever uses and start using it. I’m sure there has to be one that covers people not taking your cow if it has only two spots on it or something. The 5th Amendment is funny because people only say one line regarding it but is nowhere in it.

I said the 5th...nevermind.

“No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.”

Read The Signs, People

Sometimes in life you don’t need to have someone knock you upside the head, or in this case shoot at you, to know that something is wrong with a person. Terence Tyler, a former Marine who was working at a store called Pathmark in Old Bridge, NJ shot at some of his co-workers killing two. But not before posting on his Twitter quite a while ago things like: “is it normal to want to kill ALL of ur coworkers?” Shockingly, no “LOL” followed.

Leaving his job around 3:30 in the morning he came back with a handgun and assault rifle and started shooting before eventually killing himself. He only started working there a few weeks ago. He was discharged two years ago from the Marines and had been battling depression after the death of his mother five years ago. One of his co-workers described him saying he “gave me an uneasy vibe.” Here are some other posts he made.

“smh is it normal to want to kill ALL of ur coworkers? Maybe but I'm actually in a position where I can,smh.”

“I'm starting to see why plp go on killin sprees and these (obscenity) are reeeeeeally pushin my kill everyone I see button.”

If anyone that has served time in the military ever said to me, even jokingly, that they wanted to kill people or talked about how he understands why people go on killing sprees, guess what? Chances are they will carry out those thoughts and threats. I personally think anyone that types the word “your” as “ur” are evil. But that’s just a personal thing.

Dante Learns The 4th Amendment

On my seemingly never-ending quest to figure out what the hell the US Amendments are I have now reached the 4th which is one that people also scream about the most. This is one is super complicated and I’ll only pick through the parts that apply to me because fuck doing thorough research.

“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

Once again, some of this is a holdover from when the English were ruling our asses. It pretty much meant that no one with a crown could run up in your house and be like “I have found some shit that could get you locked up so now I shall take thee to the booty house!” The honked up part is that this Amendment is only applicable to the government, not some nosy asshole that decided to snoop and find your stash of horse porn and weed. It varies in each state so you should probably know how yours operates.

Starfish Prime Happened

That is not a soft romantic glow from a beautiful sunset. That my friends is the radioactive glow from a nuclear weapon we fired into the sky decades ago because safety is for mothers and babies. Starfish Prime was a way for us to look god in the face and give him the finger. Now why exactly would we go around firing nuclear weapons into the sky?

“On July 9, 1962, at 09:00:09 Coordinated Universal Time the Starfish Prime test was successfully detonated at an altitude of 400 kilometers (250 mi). The coordinates of the detonation were 16 degrees, 28 minutes North latitude, 169 degrees, 38 minutes West longitude. The actual weapon yield was very close to the design yield, which has been described by various sources at different values in the range of 1.4 to 1.45 megatons.”

Now why was this really done? I'm still not sure. I know I never learned about this in school though. And probably for good reason. It was bad enough that every February I had to be shown pictures and watch films about how Black people got their shit jacked up during slavery. I'm sure that learning that our own government was exploding nuclear weapons above the sea would have pushed my crazy little ass over the edge. My brain is equipped for a certain amount of lunacy. This is outside of my range of comprehension.

"Starfish Prime caused an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) which was far larger than expected, so much larger that it drove much of the instrumentation off scale, causing great difficulty in getting accurate measurements. The Starfish Prime electromagnetic pulse also made those effects known to the public by causing electrical damage in Hawaii, about 1,445 kilometers (898 mi) away from the detonation point, knocking out about 300 streetlights, setting off numerous burglar alarms and damaging a telephone company microwave link. The EMP damage to the microwave link shut down telephone calls from Kauai to the other Hawaiian islands."

Larger than expected. I wonder how big a pulse they thought they'd get. What is the acceptable amount of fucked up? And don't think that because you haven't heard of this that the only damage occurred on that poor damned island. You have to give it to our government for being able to keep things on the down low when they really need to. Like bathing the public in death rays.

"While some of the energetic beta particles followed the Earth's magnetic field and illuminated the sky, other high-energy electrons became trapped and formed radiation belts around the earth. There was much uncertainty and debate about the composition, magnitude and potential adverse effects from this trapped radiation after the detonation. The weaponeers became quite worried when three satellites in low earth orbit were disabled. These man-made radiation belts eventually crippled one-third of all satellites in low earth orbit."

I think I'm gonna stop leaving the house.

Dante Vs. Nature 16

Fuck nature. Just when I think its done more than enough to make me want to stay away from it I go and find out some shit like this. The Brazilian Wandering Spider of the genus Phoneutria which is Greek for “murderess”, no I am not making that up, gets to be about 4 to 5 inches long and lives just to fuck with people. I asked an actual Brazilian about this thing and his reaction was like “Yeah. So.” He knew this existed and did nothing about it! There's a reason why I hate this thing so much and I'll get to that. Let's learn more about the enemy first.

Found in Brazil which comes a distant second to Australia in terms of things that kill for funsies, this thing got its name because it wanders the jungle floors at night instead of building beautiful webs we can see and avoid. “Oh, there's a spiderweb. I know not to go that way. Thanks, predictable nature!” Nope. This fucker walks around on the ground waiting to do something truly horrible...which I will get to. It is also known to hide under fallen logs, dark moist places, and near where humans live.

Dante Saves You: Con Air Edition

Every once in a while I try to save you from a specific movie. I know its a departure from the aliens, monsters, and clowns that I usually try to teach you about but calm your Black ass down and hear me out. This time I'm gonna teach you how to survive one of the greatest films of all time: Con Air! Yeah, that's right I said greatest films of all time. This movie ruled so much ass they had to produce more ass for the rest of us. Unruled ass if you will.

And unruled hair!

For the three of you that haven't seen this movie (welcome to Earth!) I'll give you a quick backstory. Cameron Poe was locked up for killing a guy with his hands which, since he has all kinds of training, are considered lethal weapons. He ends up on a plane that is transporting, like, the country's worst criminals ever. One plane. Tons of lunatics. You know I'll get you out of this safely. Relatively.