Booty Spray For Fools

People like big butts. Its usually guys that get pegged with this love of big butts when for the most part a guy just wants someone that is nice to them. I can feel the amount of eyes rolling but thankfully its not that many because folks don't read this shit. 

In this case I am gonna put the blame squarely on the shoulders of insecure ladies. I can do without a big ass. I have had girlfriends that had negative ass and ones that had ones so nice I almost proposed to them. Nowadays women are running around either wearing draws with fake asses, getting implants, or getting injections.

Or booty spray.

I first heard of this product called Apex Vitality Booty Pop after reading about Blac Chyna getting dragged through the mud for endorsing it. I Googled “fake ass” and the second image to pop up was her butt looking eleven kinds of strange. Her as are as real as my honest intentions with your 25 year old daughter. I had to go to a “review” for this Apex product and see what the hell it was exactly.

“Apex Vitality Booty Pop has a very silky texture and gets absorbed in a very few second. Just spray it directly on your hips and massage it gently until it is absorbed into the skin of your hips. In the first few day the area over there will start to look smooth and soft and before you know it your hips will plump in the shape you have wanted them to be. To sustain the results for forever, I would advise you to continue applying this cream for maximum 60 days.”

My Current Jam: Angelina Castro

If you're one of those not fun people that are against porn or you get laid so much that you don't give a damn then this post is not for you. I will sit here and say that Angelina Castro is my current jam when she has been so for about two years now. I can't remember the first video I ever saw her in but the first thing I noticed was that she actually looked like she was enjoying having sex (yes, I notice when someone is not into it or just bad at acting like they do) and the second was her banging ass body. And that she kinda looks like one of my ex girlfriends. They could be sisters. This may be a chick thing too but there is no feeling like finding a porn star that looks like someone you dated but don't hate or someone you like that you know will never have the sex with you. Its like a fist bump from Jesus because he feels bad for you.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 10

In this random ass episode fueled by residual iced coffee residue and lemonade I talk about having discussions with an old lady at the bus stop, pitbulls on the bus, getting schwifty, and trigger warnings. Click here to check this and previous episodes out.

My Current Jam: Michelle Jenneke

There are some women that have happy faces and when I see their faces it makes me happy. Michelle Jenneke is one of those people. I have a few friends like this (as all you should) but I don't have friends that can run like her. At least to my knowledge. She is an Australian Olympic runner an hurdler which I appreciate because I only like events that have practical uses and yes tumbling also counts as one of those practical things. She's won all of the medals including the Dante one. That's a real thing. Shut up.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 9

In this episode I talk about stupid ass June bugs, dinner with Camille, Olympics, a man hitting on me at the thrift store, pants with elastic ankles, and how to survive shark attack. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 8

In this all over the damned place episode I talk about hanging out with friends, getting mad dogged by old women, poo scented bus rides, abortions, sex songs, and my name being my name. Click here to download this and previous Just Talking With Dante episodes. Glorious!!!

Just Talking With Dante Episode 7

In this episode I talk about meeting up with the past, people being more violent than they need to be, and general nonsense. Click here for previous episodes.

My Current Jam: Demi Lovato

I have a thing for Demi Lovato right now. She my jam. Been my jam for a couple weeks. I know nothing about her. I didn't know that her full name was Demetria Devonne Lovato. I thought it was Demi. I had seen her a few times or heard about her on TMZ randomly through the years. I also knew that she had an eating disorder and a drug and alcohol issue. And you know what? Good for her. We all gotta have some issue. If one of her songs came on the radio I wouldn't be able to tell you that it was her with 100% certainty. Like with most chicks I saw a video and/or picture that made me go “I think she would fit nicely on my face...”

Pokemon Go! Causing L's All Over The World

If you go online and just search for Pokemon Go! accidents a lot of things will pop up. As of right now the headlines say two men fell down a cliff looking for Pokemon, two officers were hurt when someone backed into their cruiser, in Pennsylvania a 15 year old girl was hit by a car playing the game because she crossed a highway, a kid in Britain was hit by a motorcycle crossing the road playing the game, four people had to be rescued from a cave, and a pileup occurring when a guy stopped his car in the middle of a highway in Massachusetts to catch a Pikachu. When these stories started popping up I thought they were made up because I for some reason still have a small amount of faith in humanity. One story I thought was a perfect storm of stupid involves a 28 year old guy named Steven Carry that broke his ankle and got lacerations on his legs after he crashed his younger brothers car into a tree trying to catch a Lapras while driving and playing the game.

His mother spoke in an email, which I never suggest a prent does when their child does something ridiculous, saying that Steven was “injured and extremely tired right now” and “my son is a former marine who is trying to be a firefighter and EMT.” I can just imagine him being pulled from the wreckage imagining that he were on the other end of it and not looking at his mangled legs because he had to catch 'em all while driving. His family has launched a campaign to raise $3,000 to replace the car that was wrecked. Yeah...but no.  

Playmate Dani Mathers Shames Woman...And Nothing Will Happen

A lot of people suck. Its a scientific fact. What science? Shut up. That's for you to find out. I heard about this story and hoped that there was a little more to it than what was being reported but it turns out that there is not. Just a woman being an asshole and then pretending that she isn't as big of an asshole that this is. 29 year old Playboy Playmate of 2015 (which is still a thing) Dani Mathers was at the gym in the locker room when she decided to take a picture and sharing it on her Snapchat. The image is of a woman butt booty ass naked at the gym changing. She is nude and unlike Mathers I have cut the woman out of the picture because as much of a dick that I am there is a certain level of human decency that I have managed to hold on to despite being raised in the 80's.

After people went H.A.M on her she deleted the image but it was too late much like everything posted online. Especially when you have 553,000 followers on Instagram, 75,000 on Twitter (which as of this writing is gone), and one million on Facebook. She ended up apologizing saying “I just want to acknowledge a photo that I accidentally posted. It was absolutely wrong and not what I meant to do. I chose to do what I do for a living because I love the female body and I know body shaming is wrong, that's not what I'm about and this is not the type of person I am. The photo was taken as part of a personal conversation with a girlfriend and because I am new to Snapchat I didn't realize I had posted it, and that was a huge mistake. I know I have upset a lot of people out there but please believe me this is not the type of person that I am. I have never done this before and I will never do this again, you have my word.”

Allow me to translate what she said into for reals speak.

Five Things I Learned Ain't Sexy To Me

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My Current Jam: Asuka

Its funny how you can see someone a bunch of times and never think that they are that attractive and then one day they'll do something and you'll go “Oh. Well. It appears that I like that.” And by “you'll” I mean your penis. I had seen this wrestler named Asuka in NXT formerly known as Kana real name Kanako Urai a couple years back and thought she looked cool but it went no further than that. And then one day while looking for pictures to insert myself into I came across an animated gif of her and my face melted, my pants changed shape, and I started looking at this crazy ass chick in a different way. I think my voice got deeper too. Anyhoot, this is the image that got me.

While You Were Sleeping: Officer Caesar Goodson Jr. Trial

You all remember Freddie Gray right? I know that he could easily be lost in the amount of Black men and women being killed by police or in their custody particularly the last few years. He was the one given the “rough ride” and died in custody last year. One of the officers that was given the largest amount of charges was officer Caesar Goodson Jr. One charge was second-degree depraved heart murder which I'd never heard of an had to look up. It states that it is “the form of murder that establishes that the willful doing of a dangerous and reckless act with wanton indifference to the consequences and perils involved, is just as blameworthy, and just as worthy of punishment, when the harmful result ensues, as is the express intent to kill itself. This highly blameworthy state of mind is not one of mere negligence. It is not merely one even of gross criminal negligence.”

My Current Jam: Rin Nakai

There is close to no consistency in the type of women that I like looking at. Looking at. Not dating. Not having sex with. Not even talking to. There are some women that I like to look at, smile, and go about my day. A few months ago I discovered this chick named Rin Nakai after hearing her mentioned on a podcast and the guys started shitting on her looks. Of course me being me I had to look for her and was pleasantly surprised by the way she looked. Lots of female MMA fighters are really hard bodied or look like they battle using the face to fist style but not Nakai. She is cute and would easily flip me to the ground and have me screaming to my ancestors for help.

Dante Saves You: Purge Edition

I know its been a long ass time since I've done one of these and in that time you and your dumb ass friends have probably managed to get yourselves in all kinds of trouble involving guns, fires, and wayward children. But I am now back with this Dante Saves You Purge Edition! I have seen two of the Purge films that have come out so far (click here and here to read those) and they are a lesson in what not to do in a planned dangerous situation. There is another one coming out and I'm sure if I waited I could come up with five more things you could avoid by just not being stupid.

Stay Inside

Every year for 12 hours starting at 7pm and ending at 7am everyone in America is allowed to murder, rape, and just generally fuck shit up legally. Everyone knows it coming and smart people prepare by gathering as many weapons as they can with a list of people they want to wreck. Or...you forget that you didn't grab dinner months or even weeks in advance and decide that you really want that turkey burger and head to the store at 6:56pm hoping to get home before the Purge starts. You deserve to die!