Dante vs. Nature 6

I know people look at some animals and think of how large and majestic they are. I see giant versions of panicky dogs with horns. I know I usually have to imagine being in Africa or Japan to find fear. Sometimes the scariest things can be found right where you live. If you live in or near woods. Which I don’t and that allows me to sleep better without worrying about the cast from a Disney cartoon killing me.

Moose. “The moose (North America) or Eurasian elk (Europe) is the largest extant species in the deer family. Moose typically inhabit boreal and mixed deciduous forests of the Northern Hemisphere in temperate to subarctic climates. Their diet consists of both terrestrial and aquatic vegetation. The most common moose predators are wolves, bears, and humans. Unlike most other deer species, moose are solitary animals and do not form herds. Although generally slow-moving and sedentary, moose can become aggressive and move surprisingly fast if angered or startled.”

Introducing: The Midnighter

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “Who is this fake Batman?” Believe me. I used to think the same thing. That was until I purchased The Authority TPB’s (trade paper backs) and realized that The Midnighter was one of the coolest and deadly comic book characters ever created. I was not a huge fan of Image Comics. I felt that most of the stuff they put out was all flash and no substance. Sometimes there would be a character or two that stood out but the writers could not keep up with the talent of the artists employed. Then one day I discovered Frank Quitely. His art style is very distinctive and was perfect for the comic.

While I wont go into the story of all of the characters involved in The Authority right now I will mention that The Midnighter stood out because of his use of violence to fight. He is not a psychopath the way The Punisher is nor is he holding himself to a moral standard the way Batman does. He sees a problem and the only way he knows how to stop it is by hitting it until it stops moving. And he does. Like the time he used a massive drill to anally rape a super powered Thor knockoff that had sexually assaulted his boyfriend, Apollo. Oh, I didn’t mention that?

The Midnighter is as queer as a $3 bill. They do acknowledge and mention that he and Apollo (the equivalent of Batman and Superman dating) are dating but its not used as a plot device. Its just two superheroes that happen to be in love with one another. The Midnighter is very protective of Apollo and will wreck anyone that messes with him. The two of them play off each other perfectly, one being Night’s Bringer Of War and the other being The Sun King.

I haven’t even mentioned his powers. He is super durable, fast, has a bionic ass immune system (he beat AIDS in a few weeks), has two hearts, and can figure out how a fight will end before it even begins. There is one cool part where he tells a guy with a hostage that he knows how the fight will end and the guy twitches and gets his head smashed off. In a world where heroes come from other planets, shoot lasers, or carries machine guns on their shoulders. This crazy bastard usually just rips people in half with his bare hands. Which is why he rules.

Rosscast Episode 248: The Nameless God

In this episode I talk about New Year’s resolutions, hanging out with friends, me not being anti-social, religion and politics with a clip from The Joe Rogan Experience, Bad Parent Of The Week, Dude What The Fuck?, and Only In Florida, also a clip from Josh Smith titled Welcome To The Mainstream Era. Click here to download this and here for past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

With Great Power Comes...

Uncle Ben is a delicious rice featuring a Black dude that looks like he’d either give you candy and smile or tie you to a radiator and pray for you to stop your whorish ways. Whoever gets that joke starts off 2012 a champion. Uncle Ben is also the guy who told Spiderman “With great power comes great responsibility.” And then Spiderman let a guy get away with robbery only for him to shoot his uncle. I recently watched two movies with similar premises that show how when given super powers we’ll probably be a dick.

Jumper is about a kid that discovers one day as a 13 year old while getting away from his abusive ass father that he has the ability to “jump” to another location. Its basically teleportation but no one fucking says it even though that’s what it is. He runs away to New York (telling no one that he isn’t dead from a fall into ice water earlier) and spends his time traveling around the world hanging out at famous landmarks and having a good time. And by good time I mean he robs banks to support himself. Its fine though because he leaves IOU’s. That he never pays back.

Years later he returns home and finds the girl he has always loved. She works in a bar, which is what chicks always do when you leave them behind in movies because women always give up on their dreams, and he finds her. He ends up getting into a fight with a guy he hated in school and teleports him into a bank vault. A guy sees him at the bar who also saw him in London which means it is safe to assume he also has the same ability. He confronts him in Rome telling him pretty much “Hey, asshole! You cant keep using a power like this without being noticed!”

And he does get noticed by an evil Blacker that uses shock sticks with ropes that hit you and keep you from teleporting before stabbing them in the name of Jay-Zus. The kid discovers that his father has been killed, his mother is still alive and works for the bad guys, and they got the chick he is in love with. He learns to teleport a house and leaves the bad guy in a cave somewhere. He then meets his mom who has Bella from Twilight as a daughter for some reason and she hugs him and says she is gonna hunt him down. Then the kid and his girl teleport for vacation. I don’t know what the point of this movie really was besides to give Sam Jackson a terrible haircut.

In Push a kid and his father are being hunted by a team of armed men. The father tells his son to run before being killed. The kid moves to Hong Kong and spends his time close to broke and trying to use his ability to “move” to gamble on the streets unsuccessfully. “Move” is telekinetic ability. These guys who can touch and smell stuff show up at his place and interrogate him. A little girl shows up with the power to see the future by drawing it badly tells him that they will be rich soon. Then dead. And the dude gets his ass kicked a lot.

There’s a secret organization that finds the people that have powers, which there are many of like Watchers, Shifters, Sniffs, Wipers, and Shadows. This one chicks survives a experiment and runs away. Its up to them to find the chick and figure out what will happen because Ms. Negativity little girl keeps drawing pictures of them being murdered in far worse ways. I’d be like “Keep that shit to yourself!“ The guy and the psychic girl get attacked by crazy Asians who have the power to shout really fucking loud. Like loud enough to make you bleed. They are Bleeders. They look scary.

Fuck. This.

A Blacker, the same one who killed the kid’s dad earlier, shows up. He works for the evil people and he gets the chick that everyone is looking for. Turns out the kid knew her and they used to date. She has the same power as the Blacker which is to “Push” people. That means they can make you do whatever they want. He tells her that she is a bad guy as well and that she never dated the kid. Fast forward to lots of dying, the guy getting his ass kicked more, lots of convoluted stuff, and the kid wins by injecting himself with soy sauce. Later the chick he loved finds out she really did date him and she tells the Blacker to shoot himself in the head. The moral of the story is…Black men that dress really well are probably evil.

"Doom Mates: The Movie" Part 1

It has finally arrived! "Doom Mates: The Movie" is here with all of your favorites and some you could've done without seeing again! Dante has a secret weapon that he knows will help him get Michael, Jason, Pretty Ricky, and even Death out of the house. Will he use it? Watch and find out! Check back every few days for the next installment.

Dante vs. Nature 5

Fuck nature. Fuck it in the ear. I started doing these in the hopes that it would make me get a better understanding of why I don't go into nature and try to stay away from it. But all’s its done in make me want to seal up my home in bubble wrap and shake in a corner violently. This is a list of creatures that people see and think are cute. I see them as the equivalent of wrapping a baseball bat in cotton candy.

Panda. “The giant panda, or panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca, literally meaning ‘black and white cat-foot’ is a bear native to central-western and south western China. It is easily recognized by its large, distinctive black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its round body. Though it belongs to the order Carnivora, the panda's diet is 99% bamboo. Pandas in the wild will occasionally eat other grasses, wild tubers, or even meat in the form of birds, rodents or carrion. In captivity they may receive honey, eggs, fish, yams, shrub leaves, oranges, or bananas along with specially prepared feed.”

Comic Book Family Trees

Every once in a while someone will send me one of these family trees done by artist Joe Stone. I fucking love these things. But there’s always a couple of the characters where I go “Damn it, I should know who that is!” Check these out. They’re pretty damned cool.

Mr. Fantastic Is An Asshole

Reed Richards aka Mr. Fantastic is well known as the leader of The Fantastic Four. One of the smartest men in the world. Loving father and brother in law. I know him as probably the biggest asshole in the history of comic books. I know that by looking at him you wouldn’t think so. Its not like he hides his face from the public. Hell, their base of operations is open to the public. Who’d be stupid enough to hang out at a place that Galactus could wreck any moment is stupid, but sometimes tourists do what tourists do.

Reed grew up a smart kid. At the age of 19 he met his future wife Sue Storm…who was 13. More on her later. One day he gets his wife, her brother Johnny Storm, and his best friend of years Ben Grimm and says “Hey. They are gonna shut down this program I wanna do. I say let’s grab that shuttle, head into space, and well probably be okay. Cool?” Being the good friends that they are they decide to go with him. Fast forward to them getting screwed! They come back with powers and Grimm becomes The Thing; a monstrous creature made of rock who is so honked up that they couldn’t even come up with a creative name.

I mentioned Sue Storm aka Invisible Woman and her relationship with Reed. He is such an absentee husband that Namor, a fucking fish king, was like “He cant please you the way I can!” He took her and her brother into space on a mission that was likely to fail and risked their lives. He spends so much time on his experiments, which he does a lot but nothing ever gets better, that he ignores her. And then there was that one time he bitch-slapped her. That happened. It was because she had a difficult first birth, lost her second child, and was emotional.

Then there’s The Illuminati. Richards belongs to a group of guys that are running shit behind the scenes. Black Bolt, Dr. Strange, Iron Man, Professor X, Namor, and Reed for years it turns out have been making moves that have affected the Marvel universe for years. Yes, he is smart but out of the entire group he is the weakest one and that includes Tony Stark who is almost as smart but knew to make a badass costume. If you don’t agree with me that Reed Richards is an asshole you’re probably a fan. One of three. And that's just sad.

Hollywood Hates Comic Books 2

This is the second installment of Hollywood Hates Comic Books. You can see the first few by clicking in this sexy little area. For a minute I was like “Why cant I think of any bad comic book based movies…?” All of a sudden my brain went Johnny Pneumonic and flooded my head with way too many bad films. This time I am just going with three of them. And they are pretty damned bad. Why cant Hollywood play nice?

Vietnam vet has his son and wife murdered after seeing a mob hit. After seeing this shit happen Frank Castle becomes The Punisher and uses his skills as a soldier to kill bad people. He uses any means to dispatch of his foes including guns, torture, rockets, blowtorches, or whatever the hell he can get his hands on. He once used a polar bear to maul someone who worked for an evil old woman. That happened! At one point he kills the entire Marvel universe. Seems impossible but its right there in stores for purchase. When criminals see the skull they pretty much know that jail is an option if they manage to develop the ability to dodge hundreds of bullets.

FBI agent Frank Castle retires from his job. While vacationing his entire family is murdered. And by his entire family I mean everyone because it’s a reunion. He is shot and found in the river by a fisherman. He takes the skull shirt his son gave him and goes on a mission to kill John Travolta…who replaces the evil old woman in this version. Instead of torturing someone with a blowtorch he uses a delicious popsicle. Quirky neighbors and such make him damn near lovable. By the way I had to choose between three films and this one was the worst. It was as if they tried their best to make sure another movie was never made. But there was.

Elektra is an assassin that wants to avenge the death of her father. She is awesome as hell and super violent with her sais. She is in love with Daredevil but way too extreme for him. She is killed by Bullseye with him ramming her own weapon all up in her ribcage. Though she has no superpowers she (once she came back to life) is able to hang with some of the toughest characters in the world. Never quite reaching the potential she should’ve in comics, she is still one of the best female creations of course from Frank Miller.

Doe eyed Elektra comes back to life after being killed in the equally terrible Daredevil film because a blind man (Stick) brought her back. He teaches her magic that allows her the ability to see into the future and bring the dead back to life. He ends up getting rid of her dumb ass because she cant let go of her rage. Rage that Jennifer Garner does not have the acting chops to accomplish. Her new powers show her that a girl she met and the girls father are going to be killed so she decides that she doesn’t want to be a contract killer anymore but that she wants to protect them.

Dr. Bruce Banner is a physicist that ends up being bombarded with gamma radiation while saving the life of a jackass who becomes his friend who was riding his bike on a nuclear testing ground. He is a meek little guy but now when he gets pissed he becomes The Incredible Hulk. He has two setting: human scared of transforming into monster and monster that wants to kill anything that annoys him. He is so damned powerful that the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe got together and tricked him into leaving Earth. He came back better and beat all their asses.

David Banner, the father of Bruce, uses himself as a guinea pig to make his DNA better. It passes on to his unborn son who grows up to be a scientist. As a baby he cries and turns green which happens in the first minute of the movie and was my cue to leave but I didn’t because I’m stupid. Bruce later grows up and when angry transforms into a Hulk. His father later turns himself into a element manipulating creature but not before creating dogs that can “Hulk out.” The small Banner is replaced by an actor that is large enough to be painted green and play the main character himself. Wrong cast, wrong effects, wrong storyline, wrong all around.

Dante Hates New Years Day

Oh, New Years. Everyone fears it and loves it at the same time. No one wants to be alone on when that monkey ass clock strikes midnight. I have never had two of the damn things be the same since I’ve moved out of my parents home. That means that I have had the opportunity to have about fourteen different ways to have the night suck ass. My plan has always been to be drunk, making out with someone, or both. Rarely is it the case where I have these occur. Not even at a gathering of thousands where there are drugs everywhere. This is one about a rave.

Dante vs. Nature 4

People keep thinking that I’m joking when I say nature hates me as much as I hate it. This week I battled a grasshopper. Maybe it was a cricket. I don’t give a damn. It had a top hat on and was killed immediately. Then a moth the size of a child’s imagination attacked me while watching TV. So imagine me in Africa. That is never happening. I have no desire to visit the Motherland. I’m part Native American anyway so I’m already home.

Cape Buffalo. “The African buffalo is a very robust species. Its shoulder height can range from 3.3 to 5.6 ft and its head-and-body length can range from 5.6 to 11 ft. Savannah type buffaloes weigh 1,100 to 2,000 lbs., with males, normally larger than females. The horns of African buffalo are very peculiar. A characteristic feature of them is the fact that the adult bull's horns have fused bases, forming a continuous bone shield referred to as a ‘boss,’ which can not always be penetrated even by a rifle bullet.”

Remember When Wolverine Was Cool?

Remember when Wolverine was the coolest comic book character? The claws. The healing factor. Banging hot chicks. The claws. It didn’t matter that some artist drew him barely over 5 feet tall. You wanted to be this crazy ass bastard. Hell, I own a set of Wolverine claws (and a cool ass Right Fist Of Doom from a sassy Munky)! They are cool as shit and very, very sharp! He was right up there with Batman in terms of how awesome he was. At one point Marvel and DC did a crossover where they created (Amalgam) new characters mixing two. Darkclaw was the idea that came from it.

"I was this close to being cool..."

I’m not exactly sure when Wolverine stopped being cool. One theory is when he got his Adamantium ripped out by Magneto and it turned out that not only did he have claws already, but he began to revert into some kind of animal creature and lost his nose. I’m not kidding. The people that run one of the top comic book companies in the world thought this was a good idea. Have a noseless Wolverine that can not speak and walks around looking like The Maxx on speed. Great idea!

Maybe it was finding out his origin. One of the cool things about Wolverine was that he didn’t know shit about his past. No one knew how old he was. You could just make things up and be like “Logan, that happened…” and he’d run into the forest screaming “Jean!!!” and weeping to himself. His history was cluttered and crazy but it was fine because no one, not even him, knew the truth. Then one day they decided to explain his lame ass history that pretty much went against everything you knew or thought ruled about him. I imagined him popping them claws for the first time and laughing. Or being raised by wolves. Not this whiny little bitch.

Perhaps it was when he finally got his own movie and there wasn’t a drop of blood in it. I’m not kidding. Go and watch Wolverine: Origins again. Though he fights Sabertooth who also uses his clawed hands as a weapon and neither draw blood. In the X-Men films he cried like a little girl when Jean Grey died. He only went nuts with his claws once. Once, I say! Out of three films! This is depressing. So, yeah. Just try to think fondly of those days when you would think of Wolverine and imagine popping your claws in someone’s back and growling.

Hollywood Hates Comic Books

Hollywood is accused a lot of times of rebooting or rehashing things. When it comes to comic books the same rule applies. There have been a few Superman, Batman, and Hulk films that change actors or pretend the last films didn’t happen in the first place. These are some (of lord knows how many) comic book based films that I would love to be seen done correctly.

Wanted

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets hot Black chick who kills everyone in a restaurant and tells him that his father was recently killed (right before watching some dudes have sex and recording it on tape). Turns out dad was known as The Killer and belonged to The Fraternity; a group of super villains who gathered one day and defeated every hero in the world and erased the world’s memory making them forget heroes ever existed. He rapes, kills, and causes mayhem just for fun. Father returns saying he faked his death and has his son kill him to inherit millions of dollars and it all ends happily ever after.

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets skinny White woman who stops an assassin from killing him in market. Finds out father was killed and belonged to a group known as The Fraternity. This group has mastered the ability to make bullets turn in the air. Oh, and they take their orders from a loom. A fucking loom. In the end everyone dies except the kid who threatens Hollywood and the public with a sequel. Please don’t. There are no costumes or super villains in this entire movie.

Catwoman

Burglar Selina Kyle spends her free time stealing cash and mostly jewelry from some of the wealthiest people in Gotham City. Has on again and off again relationship with Batman. Before beginning a life of crime spent time training in martial arts and being a prostitute. As a child both her parents die (suicide and alcoholism) and she is placed in an orphanage. Tries to get administrator arrested for stealing money but is caught and tossed in river in a sack. She comes back and has him erase her name from records. Catwoman is very resilient. A fairly simple story that would be pretty impossible to ruin, right?

Artist and graphic designer Patience Phillips overhears the makeup company she works for is still planning to sell a makeup that causes disfigurement. They find her and she tries to escape through a pipe but ends up drowning. A cat brings her back to life and she discovers she now has cat-like abilities like throwing her leg over her head and licking herself and saying terrible puns. She wears a mask and torn leather pants and begins to fight crime. Seriously. This was filmed for $100,000,000. I still have no idea where $99,000,000 of that money went to. Maybe the Thai stuntman that did all the hard stuff. I'm serious. A tiny man did all those flippy moves. Think about that when you're touching yourself to this movie.

Hellblazer: John Constantine

Londoner John Constantine while in his mothers womb strangled his twin brother with an umbilical cord. She then died giving birth. He grows up knowing how to use magic but chooses not to deciding to fight dirty instead. All of his friends die just from knowing him. He is a total asshole that hates his abilities and ha demon blood from having sex with a succubus and a transfusion with a demon. His look is based off of musician Sting.

John Constantine does exorcisms for a living with his assistant who is pretty useless. He is hired to investigate the murder of a cops twin sister. Meanwhile a Mexican guy finds a weapon, the Spear Of Destiny, and is walking to L.A to bring evil. Constantine fights bug men, crazy ass angels, and even Satan himself…until he stops Constantine from dying and cures him of lung cancer. This movie loses on so many levels the highest being Shia LeBouf.

Superman

An alien child from Krypton lands on Earth, specifically Smallville, Kansas. They teach him to be a good man. He stands for “truth, justice, and the American way.” He’s saved the planet more times than he can count. Battles creatures to protect not only his city of Metropolis, but the world. Works by day as a reporter. In love with fellow reporter Lois Lane for decades. Wears bright blue suit with red underwear and looks as if he is chiseled from stone. One of the most powerful comic book characters ever created. He has heat vision, freeze breath, super speed, super strength, and the ability to fly. Only weaknesses are Kryponite and magic.

An alien child returns back to Earth after leaving for years. He left but not before reversing the planets rotation to save one person, using the ability to teleport, create holograms of himself, freezing entire lakes (animals and possible swimmers be damned) to put out a fire, kissing the woman he reversed the planet for and making her forget his secret identity after having sex with her, and using his shield on his chest to wrap a villain. Finds out that Lois Lane is now dating Cyclops and mopes. He then gets stabbed with a Kryptonite knife, raises a Kryptonite mountain from the sea and throws it, and finds out that he has a son. Everything I said happened.

Batman Is Better Than You

Batman fucking rules. The end. That would set a record for my shortest blog. Honestly, that’s all I should have to write. Batman is the best character in comics. You can argue this with me and I will not budge. Just one glance at his symbol and you know who he is. Growing up you were either a Hulk Hogan or Ultimate Warrior kid. A Voltron or Transzor-Z kid. A Batman or Superman kid. You couldn’t get away with saying that both were your favorites since they were polar opposites of one another. On one side there’s The Dark Knight. On the other The Man Of Steel. Out of the two of them which would make you shit your pants coming out of the shadows?

You know what else makes Batman rule? He has no superpowers. That’s right. Batman has no powers besides being smart, violent, and innovative. He is a man who had his parents murdered right in front of him and decided that no one should ever suffer the same pain. He left his lavish lifestyle and traveled the world learning how to beat people up. He was gone for years and when he came back tough as nails he still didn’t think he was ready until a giant bat crashed through the window and he became a bat. Once he had the costume he was set to ruin the draws of every criminal in Gotham City.

One time Batman and Superman fought. I know that people out there will say “Dante, Superman can throw trains. How in the hell can Batman be a threat to him at all?” I’ll tell you how. Its because Superman is stupid. Batman kept a small piece of Kryptonite and when it was time for battle he had Green Arrow hit him with it and used sonic waves, electricity, and brutality to defeat Supes. This proves that even as an old man, Batman is awesome.

Batman’s alter ego is Bruce Wayne, not the other way around. He is so deep in being Batman that he has to pretend to be a billionaire playboy. He has to go to meetings and smile for the public while inside he is thinking of ways to stop crime and arrest all the rich people surrounding him who he knows are dirty. He’s pretended to sleep with more famous women than guys brag about actually doing. You know that if he could he would never take off the cape and cowl. He seems more exhausted when he takes his tie off than healing his wounds as Batman.

Wonder Woman wants to have sex with Batman. This may be pure speculation but I don’t think so. She follows him around and is super protective of him. Imagine that. An Amazonian princess has the hots for the only member of The Justice League that has no powers, is not from another planet, or made of energy. Batman always plays it cool though. He has enough women trying to get in his tights. Talia al Ghul, Catwoman, Zatanna, Vicki Vale, and Poison Ivy. That’s part of a large list by the way. He doesn’t even have to show his face to get chicks!

And lastly, one of the reasons Batman rules ass is because he is one of the few superheroes to have a successful and awesome film! Not one, but two! And with the third on the way that looks like its gonna break box office records. The first film took two characters that people barely know, The Scarecrow and Ras al Ghul, and made them cool. In the second film The Joker was reinvented. The next film will feature Bane, the asshole that broke Batman’s back. But you know what? Batman came back. Yeah, it was after he hired a psychopath Azrael and then had Dick Grayson cover for him, but whatever. No one can keep Batman down and for the rest of history he will be better than you.

Rosscast Episode 247: Get Tha Water!!!

In this episode I discuss Men’s Health Sexiest Women Of All Time list, a Dude What The Fuck? featuring eating cocaine, Only In Florida with people fighting at McDonald’s again, We Going To Hell with thieves being robbed, and Kids These Days with a teacher writing on a kids head. Click here to download this episode and here for past shows. Enjoy!