Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Dante Saves You: Terminator Edition

When I was a kid the future was about getting my hands on a laser gun, hover board, or teleporter because fuck walking anywhere. Then movies like Terminator came along and made you afraid of the future. They had you thinking that one day computers would wake up, yawn, and start using our blood for lubricant. Over time though these movies made me realize that the future could be changed because there were an unlimited amount of time machines so if you went back to change something and fucked up you could just get a do over.

In this Dante Saves You: Terminator Edition I'm gonna walk your terrified ass through four of the films. I'd help you with the fifth but I haven't seen that garbage yet. Yes, I judge before seeing. Why? Because I'm the founder of Dantania and that is how we roll. Judge first, facts later is the best way to live. Oh, you think that's wrong? Well, have fun when that buff ass naked guy you took home turns out to be a monster from the future here to kill you for some shit you ain't even done yet!

So You Met The Terminator

“A human-looking indestructible cyborg is sent from 2029 to 1984 to assassinate a waitress, whose unborn son will lead humanity in a war against the machines, while a soldier from that war is sent to protect her at all costs.” This movie would have been over in two minutes if they had bothered to give the robot an address and not just a name. I think people forget a couple of innocent women were murdered for have the name Sarah Connor. And who say yes when this guy comes to their door going “Ah yew Seruh Konnuh?” Not no one! And why not just wait till the day you know he is born which they must know? Right? Ain't no pregnant ass woman fighting back against a cyborg! As for the guy sent to help protect her at all costs...please. He knows he is sent back to have the sex and 1984 sex is way cleaner than post-apocalyptic 2029 sex. Less dust mites.


Change your name. This thing is not smart or fast. Yeah, he will never stop until he completes his mission but as sloppy as he is you could really just keep running from him for a very long time or wait till the cops or someone blew him up. Or, like, let him get crushed. Yes, this thing from 45 years in the future can be crushed to death. Just make sure no ambitious Black guys get a hold of any spare parts. I'm looking at you, Miles Dyson.

So Its Judgment Day

“A cyborg, identical to the one who failed to kill Sarah Connor, must now protect her young son, John Connor, from a more advanced cyborg, made out of liquid metal.” Oh, great. They decided to send a robot that looks exactly like the one that tried to slaughter your ass back again but for some reason waited till you were in an asylum and your kid was an asshole 11 year old to try to save you from a robot disguised as a dirty cop. You're cool though. Its not like he can turn into liquid metal.


Oh, no! He can turn into liquid metal! Besides influencing shitty movies for the next 15 years this thing can turn its hands into knives, turn into other people, and get blown up and bring himself back together again. This is not fair. Thankfully you can kill this thing with simple means. You crushed the first one and with this one just make sure you know where a place where metal is melted is located. Just shove this asshole into some molten metal and you're good. That can't be difficult, right? And while you're at it have the first robot climb his punk ass into the magma. Good job. No more robots!

So Its The Rise Of The Machines

“A cybernetic warrior from a post-apocalyptic future travels back in time to protect a 19-year old drifter and his future wife from a most advanced robotic assassin and to ensure they both survive a nuclear attack.” Wait. What?! Didn't we stop this from happening?! Okay, fine. Just be on the lookout for large Austrians or the cops. Excuse me? A hot chick? Well...damn. Do they all look like this in the future because if so take me away! Live with me if you want to cum! Hi-yo! We're prepared for strong robots and one that turn into liquid metal. So bring it!


Nobody said shit about flamethrowers! How have these things not already won in the future?! Okay, this thing can shape shift, shoot fucking flames, its strong, sexy as fuck, built in weapons, and can control other machines. So how can we win? There are no giant crushers or melted metal to push it into. Magnets? Yes, magnets! How do they work? Who cares?! Just get this stupid thing next to some magnets, hop into your plane, and let Skynet begin! I mean save humanity. Yeah. That's what I meant. The end.

Now Its Your Salvation

“In 2018, a mysterious new weapon in the war against the machines, half-human and half-machine, comes to John Connor on the eve of a resistance attack on Skynet. But whose side is he on, and can he be trusted?” Really?! We're still not done with this. Now we're stuck in the future and Skynet has started combining humans with robots. The robot doesn't know its a robot which is kinda counterproductive to Skynet's cause, but, whatever. Good thing that the robots seem to have no real goal in mind and you can gather thousands of troops and use a submarine. I'm not kidding. That's a thing here.


This world is no fun. Its dark, dreary, no one gets to have the dust mite filled future sex, and they have robots the size of goddamn buildings after you. We could keep on fighting but, really, why bother? All's we gotta do is build another time machine and send another Terminator to go clean things up. And if you fail just do it again. Then do it one more time. And another. Seriously. There are no repercussions to your actions. I think we're fine as long as the first Terminator isn't sent even further back in time to raise Sarah Connor...

Click here for previous Dante Saves You.

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