Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Five Things I Learned Women Do That I Don’t Care About

Girls go through a lot of stuff to make themselves feel better. More than I ever would if I were a chick which would lead to stories of me being a lesbian. Well, people think I'm gay now as a dude so I guess it all evens out. Either way, women do a lot of things and to most guys none of it matters. In this Five Things I Learned Women Do That I Don’t Care About I'm gonna list things that are me specific because there are some things that guys say they don’t care about like how many guys a chick has been banged by.
I care.
That may be immature especially since I'm on the wrong side of 30 but I don't mind. I've never in my life been accused of being mature and I sure as hell am not gonna start now. So sit back and enjoy my rambles. You may even laugh because you know you and I will never hook up and my thoughts don’t matter. Doesn't help its about 2am and I've been up since early yesterday afternoon.
How Much Makeup You Wear

If I had my way no woman would wear makeup unless it was Halloween or she was in a movie playing an alien. To me all makeup says is “Dante, you are not allowed to touch my face for the rest of the day!” Lipstick is fine but then I know I won't be getting any kisses unless I wanna ruin some work a chick has done to look nice. And don't even get me started on foundation! But I understand that chicks want to look nice for themselves and all that.
I used to have an ex that spent 45 minutes applying makeup when we first met. By the time we split she was in and out of the bathroom in less than ten minutes. Why? She realized I was gonna wreck that shit! Plus, makeup ends up fucking a girls face up. They put on makeup they won't throw away because it cost too much, their skin breaks out, they apply more makeup to cover the bumps and blemishes. Its a vicious cycle! The point is that I'm way too touchy when I like someone to be not being all over them like a cheap suit. And makeup is a lie. If I rolled up on you with my face a different color than my neck you’d look at me like I'd lost my damned mind.
Your Occupation

I know that when I read lists of things that women want in a man first they lie and say sense of humor and coming a close second is how they get along with their mother. Then...what the guy does for a living. I don't care what people do for a living. I just don't. Most times its boring as shit anyway and I don’t wanna hear about it or people are bad at describing what they do. If we are at a gathering I don't want to hear about what you are forced to do for 40 to 50 hours a week. Tell me what you like to do (and it better not be your goddamn job!) and we'll be fine.
All I really care about when it comes to a job is how you spend your money. If you are making a lot of money but still complain about how broke you are then you are just bad at budgeting and I am not trying to holler at any more girls that are like that. I don’t mind a broke chick with no job. A broke chick with a job bothers me far more. And whether you're a teacher, cashier, waitress, or sales associate all I care about is not having to hear about your shitty day all night long. You got 15 minutes to get it out your system then we're done for the day. And yes I will time you. Because I'm a dick.
How Your Body Looks

Look. Big asses used to be special. Now races that were notoriously known for having flat or small asses have big ones. And even if they don't they can just go out and buy one. Bell Biv Devoe had it right all those years back. “Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl is poison!” If a chick has a big ass that is cool. Gives me something to rub in bed and to smack when I’m slicing her in half. Otherwise its something she complains about because her creepy uncle always talked about it or its hard for her to find clothes.
Same goes for big boobs. I've dated two chicks with a nice, big ass and three that had big boobs and the ones that had the big boobs complained the most. I can understand why. They face forward. Its the second (most times first) thing a guy sees when he looks at a woman. I don't care all that much about them. If they gave out free candy then I'd be all about 'em. But sadly they don't. To me they are there to make dresses look nice, feed kids I'll never have, and give me something to poke when your nipples are sticking out. No chick should have ever been afraid that I wouldn't talk to them because of their bodies. I don't care what you look like as long as you aren't an asshole. If I like you I like you. Deal with it.
How Much You Eat

This one probably bugs me more than the rest. Thankfully now that I've given up on dating I haven't had to experience being with a woman that worried about gluten, GMO's, or whatever the fuck they are doing to make bacon taste so good now. I have dated two vegetarians and they ended up stopping that nonsense because hamburgers have no soul. I would rather go to dinner and have to hand over half of a big ass BLT than be offered half a kale salad. I like when I look across the table and a chick is holding her stomach and damn near falling out of her chair because of a delicious steak she just ate. “Oh, this salad filed me up!” Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense! You better drizzle some grease on that sumbitch!
I'm not saying eating healthy at times isn't good. I go through phases where I have to cut down on the amount of bad I am doing. But when someone totally eliminates something from their diet because of what the news said it makes me sad. We only get to live once no matter what that psychic told you. Eat a half pack of bacon and enjoy life because I'll be damned if I die healthy. I want to run this body to the ground so hard science doesn't even know what species I am! And I'd like for women to do the same.
What Your Type Is

Oh, so you think Ryan Gosling is the sexiest man alive? Yeah, me too, hooker. But guess what? Neither of us look like him so we may as well make do with what we got. I have spoken to ex's and I was never their type. I just managed to finagle myself into a relationship with them somehow because when I heard what they wanted I just looked at my reflection and it looked back and me and shrugged. If you tell me your type has green or blue eyes, in great shape, and has a nice job then you shouldn't even waste your time with me. All's I got working for me is that I'm tall, have nice teeth, and don't stink.
The worst thing about hearing some girls types is when you look at them and wonder what they bring to the table. Okay, you want a guy that looks like a model. I get it. Hot guys. Every woman  loves 'em. But those guys are not trying to be with an average chick. It is rare to see super hot people fucking each other. Know why? Because this is the real world! Yes, it happens but not often because the people that are described as models are too busy fucking a lot of people or making sure they look like models to be searching for your basic ass. That's not an insult. I like regular which is not the same as plain. All the stuff I mentioned not being into above is a combination of someone who is very hard to be around, talk to, and deal with. There are few things worse than having to tell a hot person that they are hot when you know you aren't fucking them. 
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