Thursday, August 21, 2014

Five Things I Learned Watching World Star Hip Hop

So this morning I got stuck in a World Star Hip Hop hole. WSHH is a site that has videos of music, random shit, and mostly fighting. Just all kinds of fighting. Men versus men, women versus women, men versus women, kids versus kids, people versus animals, whatever you're looking for. I've written before on what I learned watching Youtube fights. Now its time for Five Things I Learned Watching World Star Hip Hop (or WSHH because fuck all that writing). Now let's sit back and hope no advanced species ever discovers this website.

No One Knows How To Block

When I see a fight start and someone has their hands to their side or god forbid in the pockets I think “Why don't you just pull your pants down, bend over, and present yourself?” Who taught people how to fight? Every punch is a haymaker and yes while those are effective chances are you'll throw a wild ass swing and leave yourself wide open to ass kinda shenanigans. You're not Roy Jones Jr. so holding one hand up and swinging the other at your side just looks silly. So stop that.

Even when someone is knocked to the ground they don't know how to cover up. This is the worst case scenario next to just being shot and people will just lay flat and cover their nose. Hey, jackass. Curl into a ball and protect your head and vital fucking organs! You've already lost the fight, there's no reason to lose your teeth or the ability to shit without being helped. The fetal position isn't just for embryos. Embryos do that, right?

Holding Cameras Properly Doesn't Exist

I don't have a cell phone but I do know that if someone is filming something that the damned camera needs to be held a certain way to capture everything. Seems that many people do not and they end up getting a slice of information. Look at that picture. Imagine watching a TV or going to the movies and they had that much of the screen showing. You'd laugh at the idiot holding the camera and wonder how they let someone release it yet this is how so many people post videos. Why would I want to see 40% of a screen?!

Girls Are Fair Game

I have watched so many videos where a guy is fighting another guy and a girl decides “I can help!” and the next thing you know she gets bonked and starts screaming about the fact a guy punched her in the face. You know what happens when you fight? You get hit! In one video a guy was slapped by a girl because she thought he touched her ass. He didn't. Another guy did. She starts hitting him and he grabs her hands and tells her to stop. Her three other chick friends jump in and he is trying to fend them off until one starts hitting him with her heel. Ten seconds later four girls are on the ground, two aren't moving, and now a bunch of dudes want to kick his ass.

I don't understand why so many people fight each other let alone a woman fighting a man she doesn't know. You can pull that with a guy you know if you expect that there's no chance in hell he'd ever hit a woman. But some random ass guy? Come on. Oh, and if you have a weave its getting yanked out and there's a 90% chance your breasts are gonna come flying out of your top. Its science.

There Are No Rules

These guys will square up against one guy thinking that its gonna be a fair one on one fight. Ha! If you get one good shot in on their friend you will be stomped by five other guys even after they are knocked out and twitching on the ground because when we get hit really hard we start dancing like we're listening to dubstep. You say its not fair, I say its a street fight and there are no rules and no such thing as “fair.” If you are in a fight with multiple people and your last name doesn't begin with Jackie and end with Chan there's a strong possibility that you are gonna look like a different person in a minute or so.

I think its fine to say that if you are in a brawl that you should do anything possible to survive. Even if you only get one guy just bite the shit out of him, stick your fingers in their eyes, or dick punch like your life depended on it because it just may. Its called a sucker punch for a reason. Use it.

Jesus Doesn't Have The Internet

Every time the words “World Star!” are shouted the hand of an angry god needs to fall from the sky and thwack that person across the globe. There are thousands of videos of humans just being horrible humans while people film it (and I watch it later) and chances are no one with any real power is paying attention. And when I say power I don't mean the president. Pffft! I'm taking about real power. Biblical power. I create women from ribs power. But that ain't happening any time soon. If Jesus ain't visiting because races are being wiped out he sure ain't showing up to shut down WSHH.

Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.  

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