Thursday, August 14, 2014

Johnny Panic: Therapy Champion Of The World Part 1

I got the transcripts, son! So years ago I was ordered by a judge to go to a therapist because he said I had anger issues. This was after the getting high and punching that zebra in Africa incident but before damaging a huge portion of the South Pole for perpetuating the myth that Santa lived there. I went through three of these therapist before I finally found one that stuck it out with me. Of course I later found out that he was planted by the president at the time, George W. Bush. Either way, I went to this guy for over a year and they have just given me the transcripts of what was said during our sessions. This is the first time we met.
Mr. Schroeder: Please have a seat.
Panic: Thanks, dude.
Mr. Schroeder: Mr. Toner, could you please address me by my name. I went to school for too many years to be known as “dude.”
Panic: Well excuse me, Mr. Schroeder. You know for someone who is supposed to be helping me out with my anger issues you sure are one angry fella.
Mr. Schroeder: What makes you think that I'm angry?
Panic: Oh, no you don't. I know this trick. I say something and you guys ask me a question to get me to incriminate myself. 
Mr. Schroeder: I assure you that I have no intentions of assisting you in incriminating yourself.

Panic: That's what they all say. Next thing you know you’re being dragged out of the nightclub with photographers trying to get an upskirt photo of you because you forgot to wear panties that night. Or did you do it on purpose? The world may never know!
Mr. Schroeder: (silence)
Panic: So how did you get into this racket?
Mr. Schroeder: We're not here to discuss me.
Panic: So you expect me, Johnny Panic, to just waltz into this place and start spilling my guts to someone I've never met in my life. For all I know you're a pedophile!
Mr. Schroeder: I assure you--
Panic: I know, I know. You're not a pedophile. That's what they all say. Next thing you know--
Mr. Schroeder: Is this a part of your coping technique? This deflection?
Panic: Maybe it is and maybe it is.
Mr. Schroeder: Do you not wish to discuss yourself?
Panic: I love talking about myself. Its my second favorite thing to do after looking at myself.
Okay. Let me explain something. This was years ago. This was before I got with Ronica, before I lost fans and got them back, and before I had a daughter. I was a very different person. Now looking at myself and talking about myself are third and fourth on my list of favorite things to do. Number one being hearing about myself and number two being being with my lady and baby, Milly. Alright. I won't interrupt again.
Mr. Schroeder: How about telling me a bit about yourself.
Panic: Oh, we're playing that old game. Look. I know that you know that I know that you know who I am. I'm Walter Toner aka Johnny Panic aka Big Bubblicious aka Tasty Taste aka Mr. Steal Yo Chick aka Blackbelt Jones aka--
Mr. Schroeder: How do you feel being the only one of your kind?
Panic: What do you mean by “kind”? I'm not a kind. I'm a human.
Mr. Schroeder: You are the only super powered being in the world. How does that make you feel?
Panic: It made me feel pretty fucking awesome until a moment ago when you made it sound like I was an alien or something. That's pretty jacked up, doc.
Mr. Schroeder: Mr. Schroeder--
Panic: Sorry. Mr. Doc Schroeder.
Mr. Schroeder: I don't think that we're getting off to a good start. Allow me to apologize, Johnny. Do you mind if I call you Johnny?
Panic: I'd prefer Mr. Steal Yo Chick but its cool if you call me Johnny. That's a cool picture of Mercury.
Mr. Schroeder: Actually, it is Mars.
Panic: Ugh. I hate that place.
Mr. Schroeder: You've been to Mars?
Panic: Yeah. Nothing there. I was hoping to find some alien skeletons or at the very least Martian zombies. All I found were rocks and a lot of dust. You know they think there used to be life there? I doubt it though.
Mr. Schroeder: Hmm.
Panic: What do you mean “hmm”?
Mr. Schroeder: Nothing at all. Just an acknowledgement of hearing you speaking.
Panic: The only time I hear people say that its a chick acting like she isn't mad that I was photographed out with Megan Fox again. I can't help it. That woman crackles with sexual energy! Crackles. Have you ever met her?
Mr. Schroeder: No.
Panic: Do you know who she is?
Mr. Schroeder: Perhaps.
Panic: Let me show you.
Mr. Schroeder: I don't think that's necessary.
Panic: Of course it is. Its fucking Megan Fox. I have a picture on my phone. Whoops! Not that one. That's her holding my Lil Blackbelt Jones. Okay. Look. Does that make you soil your dickie?
Mr. Schroeder: She's a lovely lady.
Panic: No, she isn't! She’s a wicked heart breaker! My mother always told me to stay away from girls like her!
Mr. Schroeder: What exactly did your mother say?
Panic: She said “Walter, there are going to be thousands of women who only want you because of how powerful and handsome you are--” I forget the rest because I zoned out thinking of all the pussy I'd be slicing because I was powerful and handsome.
Mr. Schroeder: I think we can end our session right there.
Panic: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?! You...pedophile!
Mr. Schroeder: I'm not--
Panic: You're a fun one. When do I come back? 
Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

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