Monday, March 23, 2015

Johnny Panic: The Fidgets

I don't handle boredom well. Ever since I was a kid when I got bored bad things would happen. Its even worse now because I'm stank ass rich and famous. Getting so a guy can't even fly to China and tickle a few pandas without it becoming some kinda international incident. So when Ronica saw me sitting on the roof staring at the sky and ocean she knew something was wrong.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked me. Not in a concerned about my well being kind of way. But in a “Oh no. If I don't think of something fast he's gonna end up on the news” kind of way. I just sighed. “Are you bored?”

“No...” I lie. “Stop looking at me like that. You can't read my mind. Right? That's not, like, some new power you've developed is it? Because that would not be good.”

“Well, you're sitting up there looking at the sky as if you're expecting it to respond” she says. “So you're either bored, fidgety, or high. And I know you're not high because you don't smell of zebra.”

“I only smell of zebra when I have the angries” I tell her. “I don't have the fidgets either.”

“You look like you have the fidgets.”

You look like you have the fidgets.”

“Walter” she says. She uses my real name like a pause button. “Why can't you just tell me what's wrong like a normal person?”

“Because I'm not a normal person” I say. And its true. I'm Johnny Panic. “I need a challenge I think. Its been years since I fought that X guy. I expected that his race would've sent a fleet of spaceships to come back to Earth and attack us for what I did to him.”

“You farted in his face and sent him away” Ronica reminds me. I smile.

“I did” I say. “I farted in his face good.” She sighs at me acting all annoyed but it doesn't come across as bad because when she takes in a deep breath her boobs go up and slowly back down. Its passive aggressively hot.

“Stop staring at them” she says.

“Get out of my head!”

“I'm not psychic.”

“Witch!” I shout while pointing an accusing finger at her. Next thing you know Milly comes floating up past me. A moment later Zazz bursts through the front door and grabs her tether. He can't see me on the roof. I grab Milly and she starts giggling. Zazz pulls the tether but she isn't coming down.

“Hey, Ronica” he says. “I was just heating up something in the microwave and turned my back for a second and she was gone.”

“She has a tendency to do that” Ronica says as Zazz keeps trying to pull Milly back down. I'm struggling to keep from laughing picturing what his face looks like. “So what were you making?”

“A Lean Cuisine” he says. I can't help it. I start cracking up laughing. Milly starts laughing. Ronica is trying not to laugh. I swear I hear a laugh drift across the breeze. “I'm glad you all think its funny.”

“Stop being so sensitive, lunchbox” I say as I float down to the ground. I hand the tether to Ronica and she pulls Milly into her arms. She buries her face in her chest and smiles. “Those were mine first” I tell her. “You're getting' 'em all wet.”

“Lean Cuisine's are gross” Ronica says ignoring my protests. “Why don't you just eat something healthy like fruit?” I laugh. “You're not helping.”

“The only fruit he eats comes in Roll Up form” I say. We hear the microwave finish. “Did you make me anything?”

“No” Zazz says as he begins to head back inside.

“Rude” I say. “I haven't eaten in, like, an hour. I'm starving. I am literally starving to death. But you didn't think of that, did you? Just gonna let your best friend waste away to nothing while you sit and eat orange glazed chicken and asparagus.”

“How did you know?” he asks. I pull the meal from behind my back.

“Because you blinked and I flew in and grabbed it” I say while lifting it to my nose. “It smells like regret.”

“You have the fidgets” he says.

You have the fidgets” I tell him. “Even Milly wouldn't touch this. And she tried to eat a sea lion once.”

“She what?” Ronica asks. Shit.

“Uh...well.” I try to figure out how to explain this without looking like the worst father ever. “Okay. Listen. A few weeks back I took her flying around the world and we spotted a bunch of sea lions. One climbed on top of a penguin and I thought it was gonna eat it but it started having the sex with it instead. I thought to myself 'Wow. That is what it must be like to make love to Zazz...'”

“I don't have to listen to this” Zazz says.

“ I flew down there and lifted the sea lion up. I tried to explain to it that it could not mate with a penguin but I don't think he was listening. He was in a lust filled rage. Long story short. Milly was sitting on its back and chewing. It was gross. Wanna see a picture?”


“But its a really funny picture.”

“Stop letting our daughter eat wildlife” she says. Milly gurgles trying to imitate a sea lion. I put the Lean Cuisine close to her face and she shakes her head and buries her face back into Ronica's chest. “Zazz, that does smell terrible.

“Its not for either of you to eat” he says. “Its for me. And its getting cold.”

“We don't have to eat it but we have to smell it now and later” I tell him. “You shouldn't even be eating this. You're lactose intolerant.”

“That doesn't make any sense” he says.

“Or does it make too much sense...?”

“Fly to Louisiana and grab some gumbo” Ronica says. “Zazz, you're gonna eat it with us.” Zazz tries to look upset but he can't in the face of gumbo.

“You act like I'm some kind of superhero that, on a whim, can just fly across the Pacific Ocean, then across America, land in Louisiana, cut in front of line, and get some food for us.”

“You already texted in the order, didn't you?” she asks.

“Yes” I say. “I'll be back in five minutes.”

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