Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Stop Eating Pill

Cam sent me a link from WebMD about a new pill called Vyvanse that is supposed to help stop people that binge eat. Now, I thought that binge eating was something that selfish assholes did. Like, you come home and you think there is a bag of chips available but it turns out that someone else ate the entire thing by themselves. Not because they were high or anything but just because they're rude. Don't be that person.

I looked up the definition of binge eating and this is what I found. Mind you, its from WebMD and its the same site that has caused more panic than a parent that doesn't believe in vaccination that sends their kid to a playground during a high five contest.

“Binge-eating disorder is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret. When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating. If you have binge-eating disorder, treatment can help.”

The FDA approved this drug for this that has already been around to stop kids from being kids meaning for ADHD. Seriously. Explain school to an adult without using the word school and see how quickly you get jittery. I'm gonna wake you up early, make you sit in uncomfortable chairs for about eight hours a day where people will make fun of you for everything possible, then you'll be taught by someone that isn't getting paid enough and hates their job. By the way, if you complain too much or get upset here's a drug that may make you kill yourself or others. Don't forget your lunch.

They say that binge-eating affects 1 to 5% of the country which is bullshit because I bet you no one I know has taken this survey. Vyvanse is called a central nervous system stimulant which sounds pretty horrifying when all's you wanna do is not eat that much. This is the definition of a 1st World Problem. “I have so much food and I can not stop eating it so I'm gonna get a pill to stop me from doing it.” This should stop the number of times that you sit there eating all the food. You'll still do it. Just not as much. Know what else helps? Being broke. Its funny how being broke can stop so many problems. Drinking, drugs, overeating. They can all be stopped when you have no money.

The funny thing, or funny until someone starts ripping people's faces off like a pet chimp, is that its not even clear how this stops people from overeating. It just does, money can be made, fuck it. Approved. Now the fun part. Side effects. I love side effects. I really do. I don't take much of anything, even over the counter stuff. If there is a aside effect I'll have it times five. If it makes you drowsy I'm unconscious. If it makes you nervous and jittery I can be on the cover of Meth Illustrated. If it makes you irritable I'm punching holes into the very fabric of reality with my penis. Here is what they have so far.

Dry mouth naturally. Sleeplessness. Increased heart rate. Jittery feelings. Anxiety. Possible psychotic or manic symptoms. Yummy. Blood flow problems so there goes your toes and fingers, like, working. And if you have a history of seizures of mania you should tell you doctor before taking it which means you have drawn a bad hand in life. You can't stop eating and you Hulk out. These symptoms can even happen if you don't have a history of it. Yeah. Let me roll that dice and see where it lands. I think I'd rather take my chances being a fat body.

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