Just Talking With Dante Episode 46

Jasmine - “Why that noise?!”

Dante - “What sound you want? Ping ping ping ping!”

Jasmine has returned and I am sharing her with y'all! We talk about her trip to Dubai, ratchet ass music videos, talk about our Fat Tour, me finally getting a cell phone, the recent onslaught of celebrity dick pics, R. Kelly and his drama, a Dear Jasmine segment, taste test some chips, life in Oklahoma, nanny cams, porch pirates, and random nonsense as always. Click here for previous episodes.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 10

Click here for previous Johnny Panic We Got It From Here.

Spin spin spin! That is the goal! Just spin my little sexy heart out both baffling and dazzling these monsters at the same time! They begin aiming at me and I can hear the machines struggling to pinpoint exactly where I am. I head into a ship and plow right through the damn thing embarrassed at how easily they beat me a week ago. While I am inside I am looking at all this insane technology they have. Everything is so clean! I also realize I need to make sure not a piece of this gets into the hands of the military because the next thing you know a yellow version of me will be trying to challenge me in a few years.

Look at me planning ahead like an adult!

“Focus on the island” Mother Bird says.

Dante Explains Shit: Drug Abuse

People love to feel good. And by feel good I mean get fucked up. People have been doing it ever since some weird ass caveman ate a piece of fruit that was too old and got loose. There have been a lot of rappers dying the past few years from drug use. Drug use ain't new in music by any stretch of the imagination its just the drugs that these kids are taking are powerful as fuuuuuck. I read that in 2017 that 33% of rap songs that were on Billboard's Hot 100 chart mentioned lean aka Codeine. I was recently talking to a friend about lean and why people use two cups when they drink it. Its because the shit sweats through the first one. Do I really wanna ingest something that leaks through a Styrofoam cup? No, not really.

I am gonna sit here and try to explain all the drugs these kids are doing these days and what they feel like. This is not from experience. I say no to drugs! Hell, every kid that was in the D.A.R.E program in the 80's did the most drugs. Most of these sound fun as hell to do but when you see someone who took too much at once or could not stop when they should've the shit does not look any sorta fun. I say if you are gonna get turnt just drink responsibly or smoke weed. Or just watch a good TV or porn. Relax. Because its sucks living in a world where we know we loss Prince to a prescription pill addiction.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Calm Down

Have you ever been upset and someone told you to calm down? Did it work? Chances are it didn't. So why are people still saying it to one another? I have never in my life talked to a woman that was upset and said “Calm down...” because I grew up around a lot of lady folk and knew that those two words would not only not work but make them more upset. Why? Because they humans. I know in the way this world is running right now people like to forget that part. We are so busy giving ourselves new and special titles and racing to belong to a group so we don't feel alone that we actually leave out the part where before any of that stuff we're human. Unless you're a robot and reading this in which case I'd ask if you had better things to do.

A couple of weeks ago I heard a lady shouting at her dude from my window. “Action!” was said by me as it usually is and I went to look like the nosy resident I am. This lady was upset for whatever reason at her dude as they returned from the local weed shop (I know this because of their obnoxiously loud red bags that litter the sidewalks here in West Hollywood) and she told him to go back to his shitty apartment in his shitty car and that they were through. So of course he told her to calm down. Guess what she did? She went fucking megaton. I'm not sure how old this couple was and hope that they have not nor will they procreate but he should've known that if someone is screaming at you and saying they are through the best thing to do is either stand there silently and let shit run its course or get in your car and leave. Under no circumstances should he have engaged her the way he did. I mean he followed her as she screamed down the street and back to the car. Hopefully they no longer talk to each other.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Kids These Days 82

I know in 2019 I should not find the behavior of a mother who behaved like she was in the 1980's admirable but I do. Because I am ratchet sometimes and would love to do hoodrat shit with my friends. A mother, Christina Tinsley, has a daughter that goes to a school in Orange County that was being bullied. She had contacted the school about handling this situation and when they did not to her liking she went full 80's on them. She stormed into the building like she owned the place and gave a speech that sounds better in print than the actual video. Yes, there is video of this. Kids video every damned thing.

Dante Vs. Nature 81

I went to a circus when I was about 10 or 11. Know what I thought? “Wow elephants are huge!” and “Wow elephants stink!” Circuses suck but at least the animals are doing things. Yeah, things they shouldn't be doing but they are doing things. You go to a zoo and the animals are asleep, invisible, or just staring at you wondering why you wasted sixty bucks to feed them grass. What the hell am I even talking about? Bears and circuses. This circus in Russia has bear performances and recently the bear remembered what it was and tried to eat this man like groceries. I watched the video and thought “Well...yeah.” The guy is walking behind the bear and the bear turns around like he said something about its mothers and takes him to the ground. Another guy jumps in and starts kicking the bear just like you're taught to do when a bear is attacking. 

Or just lay there and play dead. Yeah, that's it. Kick it until its calm or play dead until its tired of eating your booty.

If you've seen the video you'll see that there is no fencing around the tiny ass area where this happened. These people thought it was a good idea to go see a bear on a leash with no fence or anything around. Cool. The bear had a muzzle on so the guy didn't get eaten alive and is fine. That's like saying the opponent is fine because Mike Tyson was wearing boxing gloves. The bear and the trainer were both fired after this incident. How the fuck do you fire a bear? They say flash photography may have startled the bear setting it off. Yeah. I'm sure that's what happened. Or...its a bear on a leash in a room full of food. That's like locking me a See's factory after hours. Things are gonna be messy the next day. Next time someone invites you to see animals perform just don't go. Its never as fun as it looks on TV and you're only really going to see exactly what these people saw.

Click here for previous Dante vs Nature

Kids These Days 81

I don't know if you have heard me bitch about how difficult it is to find a good consistent barber being Black and living in West Hollywood. If I had a long beard and wanted that Macklemore haircut my ass would be in heaven. There are like eight of them places within five minutes walking distance and I'm not trying to walk into one of them and have the scene from Blazing Saddles when the new sheriff arrives play out in real life. So today I was looking on the internet and came across someone getting their hair done in a way that should be illegal. Probably isn't...but it should be. This dude was using fire. Like for real ass fire! My biggest concern use to be dirty clippers. Now its flames. See, when I get my hair cut I close my eyes and start singing A Secret Place. But now I'm gonna be listening for the sound of a can being shook and butane being lit on fire! 

How do you even learn to do this? Its not like one guy does this either. Turns out there are a bunch of fools out here cutting folks hair using fire and even more getting it done. How does one even practice this? Not on themselves for sure. Its been millions of years and our asses have not managed to tame fire. Fire hurts us all the damn time yet people are going “I need a haircut and this seems legit.” No. Don't get your hair done with fucking fire you freaks. If you are over 30 and doing this you need to get your shit together. If you are below 30 and doing this you need to go to the other room and talk to your parents and ask them what they did wrong. I love how fire became the thing. We went from ice buckets to fucking flames. Stop that.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

At The 2019 LA County Fair

Went to The LA County Fair with Cam today. It was the fun. We walked around and looked at flowers. I got to pet some goats. We had some really good chicken with waffles on sticks. I also got this bomb ass soap from The Markham Farm. I used it tonight to shower and it felt and smells so good. Click here to check their stuff out. I also got some lemonade from Hotdog On A Stick. Their lemonade is damn near perfect. I got it mostly because I wanted a souvenir cup. We were gonna go last week but it was way too hot to deal with that nonsense. We went today and it was about 85 and perfect for walking around.

 

Grown Ass Man Tips: Are You Pregnant?

There's never a reason to ask a woman if she is pregnant. I guess unless you two are dating and she is exhibiting the symptoms of a pregnancy and your ass is not financially ready or mentally equipped to be a father. That is about it. But if it is any other woman and you feel compelled to ask her if she is pregnant punch yourself in the dick and keep quiet. I know this sounds aggressive but the shit does not make people feel good. I have had multiple friends get asked if they were pregnant. Know how it makes them feel? Like shit. What I do not understand is why someone would ask. It is not like you win some sort of prize for getting it right? More often than not you ain't! Now you just an asshole that some woman is gonna talk about to her friends later. You wanna be an asshole? Huh? I know a lot of guys these days do because it seems cool to not give a fuck and say extreme shit and be the cool guy. Being someone who makes a lady you likely don't even know feel like shit because you assumed that she was growing a human life in her body is not a thing you should aspire to be. You see a lady and am not sure if she is pregnant or not just ask yourself why you want to know. Again: no prize for guessing correctly or not. She is not a pinata and will not explode with candy if she is pregnant. I'm like 98% sure about that last part.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 45

“They punched me in all of my dicks. My emotional one. My spiritual one.” - Dante

“Shut your face.” - Jasmine

Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about dating sites, what to put on a dating profile and what not to, I try to talk myself out of liking people, Jasmine forgets she can curse on this show, people pretending to be people they ain't, somehow start discussing male strippers and strip club double standards, I talk about not being invited to things, discuss what girls stress about that guys don't care about, and other nonsense. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

F**k Time Travel 1

Time travel. Everyone has wanted to do it at one point or another. It could be to go back in time and preserve my toys because years later people your age would want to buy them as adults for a lot of money. Telling myself to not be such a wimp and just tell Ruendy that you had a huge crush on her. Go back to the 1970's and talk some sense into my parents before they had me. Yeah, I don't wanna go back in time and do anything important that would change the course of history. Looking the way I look going past 1970 shit gets super sketchy. For real. Let's not be silly people right now.

I remember years ago during a tour at a museum the tour guide talked about how smelly Greece and other places were. How people just tossed pee pee and doo do out their windows. I didn't believe her because in the paintings things look beautiful. Then a few weeks ago I started wondering about bathrooms. You don't understand. Bathrooms are important to me. I have never been camping because of bathrooms. I will lose interest in a woman based on how her toilet seat looks when I lift it. I will suffer internal damage to avoid pooping when I'm not at home. I do not play when it comes to toilets and such so when I heard about how they used to get down back in the day I was shook.

There was this thing called a tersorium. Its bad enough having to use the bathroom sitting right next to people while dropping an ancient deuce. You are knee to knee with other people growing a tail. That's gross. But then they expect you to finish up and whip out the communal butt wipe. I mean that in every sense of the word. See, what you'd do is take this stick that had a sea sponge attached to it and get to scrubbing. Yeah. After you were done you would wash it in hot water with soap and let it dry for the next person. I'm lying. You would rinse it with water and/or vinegar and salt water and then the next person would turn around and use it.

And where did all the poop and pee go? Not some great plumbing system. Nope. People would fill up their pots with pee and put them into even larger jars outside. So now you got a great big pee pot just mad chilling outside your house. It would then be collected and used to defeat enemies. Lying again. They would use it to wash their clothes. So now you got a society full of people wiping their butts with a communal sponge and washing their clothes in piss. You can keep that along with time travel. I will stay in this terrifying future where I have a toilet only my ass touches and whatever double ply toilet paper is on sale.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 9

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Holy shit. I'm a father.

As soon as I see these creatures appearing that is the first thought that runs through my mind. Yeah, I've thought it before but not like this. I thought it when that actress from that new show about jungle women from Brazil that kidnap women from the city and give them big asses but in reality the stuff that they were injecting was really just Kool-Aid thickened with hot dog water slid into my DM's. I thought “I'm a father...” but it was more of a sadness attached to it. This is nervousness.

This is actual panic.

My dad was a shitbird that left my mom and my loser brothers before I even developed powers. I ended up trying my best to not turn out like him. Once I had Milly I knew that things were gonna be different. Once she arrived hot and fresh with powers I knew it was gonna be really different. Before I had her and would hear people talk about having a kid and how it changes you I figured that they were full of shit like most people are. Now I am mad that they never stressed just how serious it is to have a kid. We don't parade Milly around and have her do appearances because I know what that was like growing up. My mom never forced me to. I choose it and wish I hadn't done it and would never do that to her. Just having those first few years of my life normal helped me because I remember what it was like to lose, get hurt, and bleed. I forgot those feelings until these assholes showed up. I want to train Milly to be a good superhero and hopes that she turns into a cool ass chick when she grows up. If I don't stop this today she won't get that chance.  

Just Talking With Dante Episode 44

“You have no right to pull up a site and swipe left or right. (gasp) Oh my god I am so fucking clever!”  

Catch you up on my week, avoiding the Pride Parade, talk about ending a crush and a fantasy woman, discuss technology making you immortal, surgically enhanced penises, a man diving off a balcony to avoid giving oral sex at gunpoint, play a song, record another episode complaining about people looking naked, hot cosplay women, OJ Simpson joining Twitter, crazy ladies on the bus, folks using online dating coaches, a booty doctor reusing supplies, and my prison called Missionary Island. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Imagining

As I sit here thinking of this fantasy human it is harder than I thought it'd be. I am trying not to think so much about what I don't want because I am good at complaining about shit and instead trying to think of what I do want. I think of girls I have dated, liked, told I liked, never told I liked, and ones I just look at and immediately think “She would be fun to date...” and then make up an entire scenario where we date and she gets to know me and decides its not worth the trouble. I do what I have had done to me which is goofy and unfair to myself.

I have heard a lot of people talk about their perfect/fantasy person. Since I am someone who takes things literally I tend to think “Well, I'm out!” since I am never what a lady woman describes as their perfect guy. I will hear things like “green eyes”, “gets along with his family”, “has a great job”, or “full beard” and I roll my eyes so hard they go into my head and I can look into my past and witness my mistakes. I tend to forget that there are compromises and such in terms of, well, everything in this version of reality. So what I decided to do is make a list of what I would consider the perfect woman...for me. Just me. This ain't yours. Its mine. So back off. You can disagree with this which is fine. And don't feel bad if this woman sounds nothing like you because chances are you're not into my strange ass anyway.

Dante Vs. Nature 80

Hello, creep. Hey, boneface crawly bug. You think this is cute, huh? Fuck this thing. You all know that me and nature have a deal: I stay away you stay away. This thing decided that it wanted to look like the personification of human death so fuck it. This is a caterpillar that becomes the Pink Underwing Moth. Cool name, dude. Probably made by the same person that created the name of a fly and an orange. A lot of blank stares, “um...”, and finger snapping. It can have wings up to six inches in width which I don't like. At all. I like my bugs being less than two inches. When they start passing that they are now a nuisance and try to look weird or do cute shit to distract me. Or get pink shit growing on it. “I'm just a cute butterfly!” it cries. No! I saw you when you was a baby. It is like when people marry someone and they find out they had surgery only after they have a baby that looks the same upside down and backwards.

And guess what? It's from Australia! Oh, surprise of surprises! The place where even the trees scream to ward off humanity. They are endangered so I guess I should pretend to care. Nah. Most weird insects will look like snakes, birds, or other animals to scare predators away. This one was like “I'm gonna look like a man's skull. Yeah. That's my plan.” Nope. So much nope. If I saw this shit in nature (which means I am terribly lost, peed stained, and sweaty) I would shit myself so hard it'd cause physical pain.

Click here for previous Dante Vs Nature

Just Talking With Dante Episode 43

In this episode I ramble about what I've been up to, hanging with friends, talk about cheap ass pillows, a day laborer being forced to bone down, a woman hitting her husband with a frozen pork chop, a gravy covered pervert, and listen to some ratchet ass songs sent by Jasmine. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

The Spider Princess & Big Baby Part 2

Click here for previous Spider Princess & Big Baby

The residents of the kingdom parted like a sea as the Unbruised and Serf walked through the streets. Their voices would lower until they were completely silent. The last thing anyone wanted was to be overheard by a stray Lobe. The Serf could not even begin to hide their nervousness at being given the task of accompanying the Unbruised to track down and return with Peraticus. There is not a kingdom that does not know the tales of Peraticus. Granted, many of them sound untrue. Then one finds out that they aren't. The truth is far worse than any tale you could imagine.

Peraticus once destroyed a small village with a stick. Turns out it was five villages and a small, new kingdom and that he used the headstone of the previous king as a weapon. Peraticus once lifted a horse over his head to prove his strength. He actually lifted it and ripped the beast in half with his bare hands because he'd step in its dung. And it was his own horse. No one felt too bad though. Frankly the horse was a monster and only functioned as a way to get Peraticus to locations faster so that he may wreak havoc.

Just as the Unbruised and Serf reached the gates a horn was blown in the distance. The Unbruised sighed lightly and it turned to face the castle. The Spider Princess stood in the window and nodded for the Unbruised to continue.

Dante Explains Shit: Hunting

I used to be full on against hunting. I didn't understand the concept of hunting for an animal or hunting to eat something when you could just go to the store and buy the damned thing. Then I started reading about hunting and hunters years ago and it changed my mind. Yeah, there are people that hunt illegally and poach which makes people think that hunting should flat out be illegal. Look. If some folks did something so bad that everyone should stop doing it I would remove all cars from the road and if I couldn't do that you would have to lock your phone in the trunk when you got behind the wheel.

I should also point out that I do not hunt. I have never hunted. I have no desire to hunt and fear a time in my life where I have to track and kill and then properly cook something I have hunted. I assure you that if you gave me a cow and told me to make a burger I would die from some disease that we thought no longer existed. “How the fuck he get rinderpest?!” I eat meat regular and not always from places that talk about about humane the animals are treated. Know why? Shit's expensive and I don't know if the places are even straight up honest about their practices. The only way I could be 100% sure is if I was hunting and eating the animals myself. “But what about people who hunt not to eat but just to kill?!” Good question, stranger.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 42

“Sometimes people need to get slapped.”

In this episode I catch you up on my week, my stupid sore back, the increasing amount of high speed chases, a revolutionary new sex toy, people dying at the Grand Canyon being stupid, a nasty ass 7/11 employee, and read some Dear Abby advice. Click here for previous episodes.

Kids These Days 80

A couple of days ago I was talking to my friend and randomly we started talking about Hostess pies and I remembered that there was a damned pie based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My parents weren't the make a lunch with a nice dessert kinda parents so when there were new candies, cereals, or snacks I tried them. Ask me about any cereal available in the 80's or 90's and chances are I ate it. I was powered by sugar, salt, and chemicals that are now banned in many countries. “Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pies: One of the rarest TMNT food products was made by Hostess from 1990-1992; it was the 'Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pie' - with a green glazed pie crust and 'Vanilla Puddin' Power' inside. A commercial for the pies featured all four turtles, performing a rap song with the memorable line, 'Fresh from the sewers to you!'”

Just Talking With Dante Episode 41

“There were so many varying forms of hoochie mama going on.”

In this episode I catch you all up on the past few weeks in my life, an annoying Lyft driver, seeing Kinky Boots and Cats at the Pantages, talk about my birthday, problems finding a barber, a kid drugging his stepdad for funsies, the update on a newscasters death, and some Dear Abby advice. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Vs. Nature 79

This is a cute ass looking ant. It's called a Panda Ant or if you one of those fancy folks it is known as Euspinolia militaris. I know you might think this I a cute half-assed Pokemon but in fact it is not even an ant. It is a wingless wasp! Its known as a panda ant because it, well, looks like a panda and an ant. The lady versions have thicker fur and no wings. The do not live in colonies like other insects choose to but rather stay alone. Oh, and they are also known as “cow killer” because their stings are so painful they can knock out an actual cow. These are found in Chilean forests which is awesome for me because I have never been there and likely never will so I don't have to worry about them biting my ass while I rest. Wait. They are found in the Southwest too? Fuck that. This monster wasn't discovered by some poor unfortunate soul until the 1930's. The males of the species get their creep on at night while the ladies get down during the day. They lay their eggs in a nest of another insect, their babies hatch, and immediately start eating the other insects. Little bastards.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Dante Bought A New Comb

Yesterday I went to get a haircut. The barber I used last year and once this year was not returning my calls so I went to this other barbershop on La Brea called Trendsetters. After making it home and being beyond pleased with my haircut I had to sit and wait for my new comb. I know that sounds weird. Last year I started using this sponge brush. It worked great but after a while it gets whatever you put in your hair all in it and starts to fall apart leaving little pieces of sponge in your hair. The last time I used it and later combed my hair out I noticed how much was falling out. I wondered if there was some new version of it or a new product.

I ended up finding this thing called a Twist It Up comb. It did not look like a comb. Look at it. It looks like a small tennis racket. I ordered it on Amazon along with Red One Aqua Hair Wax. Everyone said it smelled like red Kool Aid. It arrived today and I needed to know if this damned thing worked as well as it did in the countless terrible, annoying, carbon copy videos I watched on Youtube. Seriously. Videos where Black people are showing hair products are 90% bullshit and trying to be funny. They not. I watched a video that was 18 minutes long and the guy only used the brush in the last two goddamn minutes. Unacceptable! But...I did see a bunch of fine ass women with short hair using this. I watched one where she tried it out but added so many products beforehand that it did not work and she decided to keep using the sponge brush.

So I opened my package (giggity) and started using this. In a minute it already started working. I was watching this happen and being shocked. I then added a little bit of the Red One and started using the comb some more. Hell, I am using it every few minutes now because it feels good and keeps making my hair curlier. The Red One smells nice and it not as powerful smelling as folks said in reviews. It is not sticky feeling and my hair can still move. I expected it to be stiff. I do not know what type of hair I have. It is like cat hair unless I use vitamin E oil as soon as I start growing it. I used to use gels that hardened and mousses to get the look I wanted but knew that shit was bad in the long run. I also cut my hair on a whim. I want to keep growing it now so I am glad I got this Twist It Up comb. I can wash it. I can take it with me. Seriously. This was a great purchase.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Females

The word “female” never made it into my vocabulary. There are a lot of words that thankfully never snuck in. It also helps that I didn't start cursing until I was 22. I was listening to a podcast and this guy kept saying the word female and it sounded so weird and each time he said it I would think “Dude, cut that out.” This is not me virtue signaling. Just pointing out that some words bug people an usually because of the context. I use words like lady, woman, women folk, and chicks. Chicks has slowly begun to be replaced by any of those other words. But female never made its way in. If you hear someone use the word it is almost never in a way considered good. “This female said...” “All these females be...” “That place is full of females...” The only time it sounds not weird is when it is added to an occupation such as female cop, female firefighter, or female doctor. The word “male” sounds weird to me unless someone is talking about a wild animal. If some dude told me he had a lot of female friends I translate that to “I have a lot of people as friends...that I wanna bone down.” That's on me.

Even women use the word female against one another. It's a strange weapon to use. I know when there are words that suddenly are not okay to say anymore or words that you are told are not cool to say it is an odd feeling. You have so many questions. There are some words that were so okay to say back in the 80's that I had to let go of. If you have trouble letting go of particular words you need to wonder why and when you use those words and actually do research as to why those words make people feel like shit. That is pretty much why certain words stop circulating. They make people feel shitty and you shouldn't pride yourself on making people feel shitty. I know it is a cool thing these days to make people feel shitty online. Listen. I get it. Sometimes meaning most of the time it feels like you are being told to stop saying or doing something because it hurts the feelings of someone. Chances are you are using those words because you don't like the person you are using them against. Spend that time thinking of something you enjoy instead.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 40

“The internet is like 80% for masturbating, and 10% for getting mad, and the other 10% to get depressed. ”

In this episode I talk about my past week, getting a new plant, bitch about Netflix, bacon fighting back, Craigslist Rants And Raves, Missed Connections, and some Dear Abby advice that makes me shout. Click here for previous episodes.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 39

“If you have a big package you shouldn't say that...unless its frightening.”

In this episode I catch you up with my week, a dude that thinks he was being chased by snakes and zombies, Liam Neeson roams the streets looking to kill Black men, 21 Savage possibly being deported, Demi Lovato catching all the hell, a church leader thinking god would protect him from lions, a guy gets arrested with an odd penis tattoo, get mad at Missed Connections grammar, and a lot of Dear Abby reading that makes me lose my mind. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Gets Curious: Men Vs Women

There was a video that came out last week of this dude laying out two women with haymakers. At the time the guy was not caught but as of a day or so he had turned himself in. His name is Arka Oroojian. When I was talking to a friend about this video I said “I wonder what led up to this moment.” Not even kind of defending this big ass dude for knocking out two women. But I knew that it did not go from zero to sixty as it was being portrayed because I know how humans work. The video that went around started with this guy hitting these women and not quite running away. It was definitely not a run. A saunter maybe but not a run. There were a lot of people around and no one jumped in to help. Someone recorded the whole thing and even filmed him getting away.

Something about the video bothered me. Yes, seeing two women knocked out not in a UFC cage was one. Also the fact that no one helped. I was bothered by that but I understand why they did not. More on that later. Arka (which is way faster for me to type) said in an interview “I definitely feel bad...I wish they didn't spit on me or attack me.” Uh-oh. Plot twist. So he is saying that before the video started that he was attacked. This is what I meant by something not feeling right when I watched the video. I could not imagine people getting upset at someone for taking too long to get a hot dog to punches. I could easily imagine a woman or two bowing up to a guy because that shit happens. It happens more now or is just seen more now because everyone films everything.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 38

“She is pussy popping in the parking lot. She is between 35 and 72.”

In this episode I catch you up on my past week, a boy blaming a dog for his drug use, I question if anything good happens at a Waffle House, update on that pervert that slept with a comatose patient, and read a couple Dear Abby advice articles. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Gets Curious: The Impossible Burger

People jump on things fast. Clothing trends. Health trends. Food trends. The food trends is the one that usually bugs me the most because when people find out about some new food that is healthy for you they want everyone to stop what they are doing and try it. The newest thing is the Impossible Burger. I first saw it at The Counter and had no desire to try it. I am not against vegan and vegetarian things as much as I used to be especially considering that Donut Friend is my favorite donut spot and that shit is super vegan. But I like burgers. I like beef. I have no intention of stopping even though I know that the way it is made is fucked up and that the animals I eat make a lot of waste. I know this and am not changing until I find out that my heart is going to explode because of my diet. This Impossible Burger has me curious but the prices of those things alone keep me from buying one. Also the fact that it is supposed to taste like a burger. I tell myself I balance things out by not driving, never been on a plane, and barely make waste.

I know that sounds weird. I won't try something that is not made of beef that is supposed to taste like beef. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dante and I am skeptical as fuck and question everything. Too much. I question things too much and this burger is something I question. I looked up some information about this thing because it came out of nowhere. I want to know what it has, what it does, and who made it. It's not like they were in the vanishing Amazon and found this plant that produces beef juices. Damn, that would be awesome. This was created in a lab much like the beef I'll be eating in the future. Read about science meat. Sounds horrible but I'd hop on that faster than this Impossible Burger. The investors of Impossible Foods has been Google Ventures, Khosla Ventures, Viking Global Investors, UBS, Horizons Ventures, and Bill Gates contributing millions. I know some people saw Google and Bill Gates and their butt holes tightened a little.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 37

“I don't like when girls wear Daisy Duke's and their legs still get circulation.”

In this episode I talk about MLK Day and what it meant as a child, complain about women using dark arts to look like another woman, an old woman robbing people on a tricycle, and listen to a bad song that Jasmine wanted to torture me with. Click here for previous episode.

Dante Was In Snow Once

Jasmine wants me to talk about my one experience in the snow. I touched on this for a bit in an older post. So here goes. I was about 13-14 years old at the time. This picture is around that time period. At my school we had a hiking class. You could take a variety of classes at this bootleg ass school and hiking was one. Swimming was another. Hell, even gymnastics. Ask me if I know how to do a backflip. Ask me! So we would have different teachers on these hikes depending on the quarter. This school did not have semesters. I didn't experience that shit until high school. So this year it was our P.E teacher named Ernie. We called teaches by their first name at that school. So Ernie would tell us “Let's go, ladies!” and we would board the bus. We never knew where we were going. Ever. We would just get on the bus and end up somewhere. Sometimes it was close. One time it was far.

Real far.

So there I am. It's the early 90's. I got on steel toe boots, tight jeans right before those went out of style only to return decades later, and what Josh would call a “Cosby sweater.” It pretty much was. Blue with yellow, red, and orange shapes on it. Shit would be fly now. So we on the bus and it is taking actual hours to get where ever we were going. The driver, Mr. Baldwin, was not the best driver. He was dangerous in the city so imagine suddenly being on roads barely big enough for a car being commandeered by an actual school bus. A big ass Twinkie is heading up these winding ass roads. We would stick our heads out the window and see over the side. The shit was terrifying!

Bird Box Challenge Champion

Have you seen that Bird Box movie on Netflix? My condolences. I have written about the challenges that sweep the world for a few weeks before someone gets hurt, fired from their job, or dies. The current challenge that idiots are doing is the Bird Box Challenge. It is a thing where you put on a blindfold and just try to do things. From the photos and videos I have seen there have been people running into walls. Trying to walk through their own home unsuccessfully, lifting weights, or running. The current champion is a 17 year old girl from Utah that crashed her car while trying this challenge. Yeah. She got into a vehicle, put on a blindfold, and drove a car. The teen was not hurt nor was the 16 year old passenger in the car with her or the driver of the other car her stupid ass hit.

Allegedly she pulled her beanie over her eyes while driving. Police tweeted the image of her car along with the message “Bird Box Challenge while driving...predictable result.” Officer Lyman said “Luckily no injuries. It's just outrageous that somebody would think to do that. The stakes are just way too high to do something like that while you're driving.” This is not something you should have to say to another human. You shouldn't. And I hope this girl is never allowed to drive ever again. “But she is just a kid! They do things like that!” Yeah. Teens o do things like that. You know, hitting people with their cars and killing them. Sure, the guy she hit was not killed or the person in the car with her but it could have easily happened because she decided to do some silly shit like drive a big ass car with her vision impaired. It is reported that her car started veering, she went into oncoming traffic, sideswiped a car, hit a light pole, and then a concrete barrier.

This shit has gotten so stupid that even Netflix had to issue a statement. “Can't believe I have to say this, but: PLEASE DO NOT HURT YOURSELVES WITH THIS BIRD BOX CHALLENGE. We don’t know how this started, and we appreciate the love, but Boy and Girl have just one wish for 2019 and it is that you not end up in the hospital due to memes.”

Just Talking With Dante Episode 36

“For the amount of money I paid for dinner last night I could have gotten two blow jobs and sex according to 90's hooker prices.”

In this random ass episode I talk about what I have been up to the past week, complain about horoscopes, seeing movies, an old man robbed by prostitutes, a woman hiding watches all up in her body, and read some Craigslist Missed Connections that horrify me. Click here for previous episodes.

Kids These Days 79

I was talking to H. this morning and we got on the topic of Lunchables. When I did an image search there appeared all manner of Lunchables that I didn't know existed. Here is a short history of them. “Lunchables was designed in 1985 by Bob Drane, Tom Bailey, Jeff James, and Deborah Giarusso as a way for Oscar Mayer to sell more bologna and other lunch meat. After organizing focus groups of American mothers Drane discovered that their primary concern was time. Working mothers especially were pressed by the time constraints of fixing breakfast for their families as well as packing something for their children to eat at school. This gave Drane the idea of creating a convenient prepackaged lunch featuring Oscar Mayer's trademark red meat. Crackers were substituted for bread because they could last longer in grocery coolers. The cheese was provided by Kraft when Oscar Mayer merged with Kraft in 1988. The design of the package was based on the look of an American TV dinner.”

So they wanted to sale more meat and decided to give kids high blood pressure. When you read the nutritional facts on these things you see that you get almost the daily recommended amount of salts and sugars from one serving of these. Granted, back then people didn't know as much or care as much about health. I think folks were still getting used to the fact that kids were living past years old and the bigger they got the more you had to feed 'em. So while these were created in 1985 they didn't go international until 1989. So I was 10 years old and ready to get my meat, cheese, and crackers on! That is the perfect age to start shaping kids for good or bad. When you are that age you don't consider yourself a kid but know full and damn well you aren't a teen so every decision you make seems important. 

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 8

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

“You dare attack us after we have been so kind as to give you time to say goodbye to one another? You dare send a laughing ball of energy to attack our ships? You dare to send this Johnny Panic to attack us? Did he not suffer enough after our first encounter? Do not think that we will endure this affront. We are the Arkho. We do not lose.”

Holy shit they broadcasted that so loud that I could hear it over me kicking their asses. So far I have taken down over a dozen of their ships and it has been easy. Some would say too easy. Some would say that I'm just so good at the kicking of asses that it just appears too easy. What I need to do is find that first ship. The main ship. The big daddy dick ship that shot me out the sky and got this whole mess started. That day was gonna be so fun. I was planning on eating, laying in bed, maybe having sex and by maybe meaning definitely having sex, and then sleeping some more. It was gonna be so sweet. But then these cock rats had to show up and try to destroy the planet.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 35

“It was like a train wreck covered in baby oil.”

In this episode I catch everyone up on my week leaving the house, a woman that is in a 14 year vegetative state giving birth, Surviving R. Kelly and complacency, I talk about celebrities that have killed people and are free, Bryan Cranston catching shit for not being an actual quadriplegic, and Jasmine long distance punishes me by making me watch a Cardi B video. Click here for previous episodes.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Shaving

“I haven't shaved my legs!” is a battle cry I have heard over the years. Not in a long ass time but it is something I have heard in the past when it was not business time and I was just enjoying the fact that a lady allowed me to touch her legs. Not once in the time I ever got the opportunity to touch a lady leg did I think “Gee, I really hope she shaved her legs or else this shit is over!” Not. Once. Know why? Because I am a grown ass man and lady legs are the fucking bomb. For anyone new to this blog or my life I like legs. It is not a make or break thing for me but I appreciate the fuck out of a pair of legs whether they have been shaved or not. Right now best legs belong to Ashanti. Fight me. She can cornrow her leg hair and I would not care. I know that there are guys out there that will not go near a woman that has not shaved her legs or are turned off by some leg stubble but I am not one of them. I give no fucks. Check my pockets. No fucks. Guess why? Grown ass man.

Over time women have used all kinda crazy shit to get rid of leg hair. Tweezers, pumice stones, beeswax and sugar based waxes, walnut oil, bandages soaked in ammonia that came from cat pee, animal teeth, vinegar, lasers, and back in the day radiation. Straight up shit that made Godzilla women were using to get rid of some shit that is just gonna grow back. Yeah, lasers help get rid of it but its not like you go one time and its all done forever. I used to see these hair removal commercials on TV where women would marvel at their newly smooth skin. They weren't that hairy to begin with. Like lotion commercials where the folks aren't even ashy first. Bath with some Irish Spring, air dry, then show me that lotion application. To me not shaving your legs as a form of protest means nothing to me. Most protests are fleeting. “I am sick of shaving my legs to fit into social norms! Burn the machine! No more shaving!” Yeah...but nah. You're gonna shave something. I'm just saying for guys if you won't date a woman because of her body hair then chances are you will want a divorce when she farts. It's just hair. Deal with it.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.