DC Doesn't Trust Its Fans

Arguably the two most important most important comic book moments to happen during my life have been Batman getting his back broken by Bane and Superman being killed by Doomsday. I found out about each of these occurrences through, of all people, my father.

“You know Superman died?”

"I pick things up and put them down!"

I was like “No, he didn’t.” Walked into my parents bedroom and sure enough there was a news story talking about the fact that Superman was indeed dead. It was weird. I wasn’t a huge fan of the character himself but he’d always been around.

Fast forward a few more years or so.

“You hear Batman got his back broken?”

Okay, goddamn it. Enough is enough. There was no way my no comic book reading ass father was gonna get the scoop on me agai--yep. Batman got his back broken. I was pissed because not only is Batman the best comic book character ever created but he got crippled by a set up move in wrestling.

"It wasn't the comic you needed. It was the comic you deserved."

Now when Superman died it was weird. I had recently really started to collect comic books and begged my oldest brother, Kevin, to get it for me. He worked at the mall and there was a comic book shop there at the time. So I deserved it. He told me he’d get it if I ironed his clothes free for the week. And I did. He brought me a comic book with the entire Justice League carrying a coffin. I open and read.

Don't worry, Lois. He's just sleeping. 

“What the fuck is this?!” I thought because I was years away from cursing out loud. It was Funeral For A Friend, not The Death Of Superman. I was pissed and my brother told me I’d have to wait. So I did and eventually he brought me the entire collection in graphic novel form.

I never bought or got the issue of Dark Knight Falls in which Batman got broken in half. But the question asked when each of these events occurred was this: Who did it? Meaning, who was the villain that finally managed to take down two of the most recognizable characters in comic book history?

"Wait. I thought we were working the arm..."

Surely Batman was taken out by The Joker. Lex Luthor had to have beaten Superman. Right? Nope. In both cases it was a character created just to do the dirty deed which was a huge cop out on DC’s part. I’m not gonna go into the history of Doomsday and the Superman saga. Max Landis did a far more entertaining version of that. But I’ll tell you what bugged me the most about Batman being taken out by a luchadore.

"Can a luchadore do thi-ow, ow- OW!!!"

Batman has arguably the best set of villains. Do I need to name them? Fuck you. He just does. He looks at other villains and laughs his creepy Batman laugh. There was no need to bring in this new South American psycho to take Batman down. Does DC not trust fans enough to accept that maybe one day Two Face gets lucky and shoots Batman? That Joker could slip a knife into the right spot and severe a nerve? No. They brought a guy out of nowhere to give him a backbreaker. A fucking backbreaker.

Dante vs. Nature 9

I live in the mean city. The streets. Its rough here in the city what with the crime, the murder, the lack of women in West Hollywood, and the dangers of slipping on a used condom. But one thing I don’t have to worry about too much is fucking Mother Nature losing her grip on reality and unleashing beasts upon me.

But every so often nature does go off its rocker and I have to see a wild animal. They’re small in size but still make their presence known in various ways. Some its through sound. Some its through actions. And some fly overhead and shit on everything in their path. I give you…city nature!

Folks Still Read: The Hunger Games Book Review

I received The Hunger Games as a gift (thanks, Miss E.) and dove right into this book. I have been hearing so much about it for the past few months but mostly from the movie trailers and the hype surrounding it. I’d never heard of it before then which some would find strange since I read so much. I’ll try and write the premise without ruining too much of the story for those who, like me, are late as hell when it comes to popular culture.

The story takes place in the future where North America got wrecked and got split into 13 different colonies. Each of these colonies specialize in something. The main character, Katniss Everdeen, live in District 12 who handles the coal mining for the nation of Panem. That’s what America is called now. She hunts for food for her mother and sister as her father died years ago in a coal mining accident. Her partner in crime is Gale who dreams of one day taking down the system for the way they treat everyone.

The Capitol, which is where the rich folks live, has an annual event called The Hunger Games. Its pretty much a honked up event where kids ages 12 to 18 have their name placed in a lottery and each District has a boy and girl entered. It’s a televised show where they murder each other until one is left. Katniss’ younger sister, Prim, is called to participate but Katniss chooses to replace her. Another kid named Peeta, the son of a baker, is chosen as well.

They arrive at The Capitol and are overwhelmed by how clean and enormous everything is. They are groomed and restyled and presented for the nation to see. After interviews and some training they are released into a zone where The Hunger Games will take place. Immediately kids are slaughtered as Katniss makes her way into the woods.

There is more but you’ll have to read this book or see the movie in a couple weeks. It’s a good and easy read but I do have some complaints. The pacing, once the games begin, is strange. There isn’t enough character development of many of the “tributes” aka contestants, so when some are killed it has no real impact.

Also, as interesting as it is for some readers, likely females, the love triangle that is attempted feels forced. Girl likes boy but not really. Boy loves girl. Other boy has never given love for girl who thinks she may love both boys but not quite sure. My brain started to play the theme to Dawson’s Creek whenever Katniss started pining. “I don’t wanna wait for our lives to be over…”

The ending gave me the same feeling as some of Stephen King’s later books in the 90’s. Here is a sample of my reaction while reading stuff like The Cell. “Wow, this is good. Okay, what was that for? Cool, good again. Better wrap this up. Huh? The hell was that?!” There were several points where the book should’ve ended but it kept going. And going. And going. By the time it was done such outlandish things happened that I could only wonder how the filmmakers were gonna handle it. Especially the fact that the main character does not talk much. She internalizes everything. Though this is a book for youths it is very violent and very bloody.

I’m still gonna watch the movie, don’t get me wrong. But this book just let me down towards the last 30% or so of it. A very strong start that had an ending that obviously built towards another book I’m not sure if I want to read. Lots of comparisons are being made between The Hunger Games and Battle Royale. They’re similar in that kids far from home are fighting to survive. So I guess its just like Lord Of The Flies.

There’s a whole theme that is a social commentary on war and reality television which is funny since for two years I have worked in reality television. As a reader you are told how messed up The Capitol is and how a revolt against them failed years ago. But then you wonder “Why not do it again instead of fighting to the death for people’s entertainment?” The whole point is to show the poor “This is to remind you not to step out of line!”

If the tournament is boring The Gamemasters, producers, will throw things in to make the game more interesting. You know the game is rigged and bets are placed. You earn sponsors by being entertaining. You wonder why it took so long for someone to use this to their advantage the way Katniss does.

I give The Hunger Games a 3 out of 5.

Max Landis' Death & Return Of Superman

I had to have watched this damned video over twenty times and I laugh each time. Max Landis with the help of celebrity friends like Mandy Moore, Elijah Wood, and Simon Pegg retell the story of The Death & Return Of Superman.

Dante Saves You: Crazy White Women Edition

I’ve tried to teach you how to battle many forms of nutballs ranging from giant monsters to psycho killers. But this time I’m gonna teach you how to fight the deadliest creature to ever exist: Crazy White Women. Since the dawn of time crazy White women have been the cause and blame for the largest catastrophes to befall mankind. From Eve, Pandora, to Mother Teresa White women have been starting stuff.

So this time we shall combat them. But they aren’t normal. Like I said they crazy. No superpowers unless you count looking sweet and innocent while they cut your face off. So let’s get into this mess. Unfortunately I have not figured out a way to defeat Courtney Love. Only Cthulhu knows that and he ain’t talking.

Its My Birthday aka Take That Death!

My birthday is coming up. Like in about half an hour I’ll be 33 years old. I don’t know what I expected my life to be like at this age. At one point I wanted a family, job, and a nice home. But over time I realized that what I really wanted was to be happy and I guess those things didn’t factor into that equation. Because, full disclosure, I’m a selfish person.

Now hear me out! I’m not “across the board” selfish. When I have I give. I love to see my friends happy and when I can do things that make them smile I will. But when I look at the things I do for myself they are totally “Me me me!” things. Drawing, reading, writing, podcasts, short films, painting, and ironing. These are all things I do by myself because sharing is for the gays.

Dante Saves You: Insane Clown Edition

Aliens, ninjas, dinosaurs, giant monsters, crazy movie terrorists, vampires, evil animals, psychos, and crazy ass robots. Is there anything left for me to--oh. That’s right. Insane Clowns. Yeah. This is an interesting one. I personally have no fear of clowns. I know people who hate them and people that are fucking terrified by them!

Coulrophobia is a fear of clowns. I’m gonna learn your monkey ass how to take these crazy looking things out. Now, be warned. If you have a fear of clowns this is going to be the best and worst blog you’ve ever seen. Its fucking full of pictures of evil ass clowns and will make you pee a little in your pants.

Kids These Days 3

In previous blogs (which you can see by checking here for Part 1 and here for Part 2) I’ve discussed things that kids these days will not understand or will be gone very soon. I have to admit that some of the things that I list weren’t exactly better than what kids have, but having these “older” things taught me things like patience and savoring. This is my final installment in this series.

Dante And His Weird Dreams 2

I recently posted about the first crazy ass reoccurring dream I had that involved racecar shoes and a knife wielding monkey that killed my father. This other one that happened way too many times involved me and Apache Chief from the Super Friends cartoon. Why? I don’t know! It just did.

I don’t even like the character of Apache Chief. He grows. That’s it. You know what? I can grow too! In my pants. So anyhoot, in this dream I have the feeling that me and Chiefy (that’s my cool nickname for him) are cool with one another. I felt like we were friends. Like we bonded. He could tell that my grandmother’s were Native American’s and felt a sense of kinship with me.

Would You Riot For Shoes?

There was a riot at a Florida mall over some new shoes (Only In Floridaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!). Now, this is some shit that has been going on since I was younger. People would get fucking killed over a pair of Air Jordan’s which to me is up there with being killed over, well, shoes. Seriously, what a fucking retarded way to go. It’d be like being stabbed over some Penny Loafers in 1984.

Old school stab worthy.

People are going crazy over these new Nike Foamposite Galaxy that glow in the dark and cost $220. Yes. Shoes that glow in the dark for fucking grown ass people. You have to be out your goddamn mind to wait in line for a shoe unless you live in, like, Africa and a shipment just arrived for your village.

Dante And His Weird Dreams

When I was a kid I had some strange ass dreams. They were far more vivid than the ones I have now. I recently had one that involved pirates, a hovercraft, and my best friend. That was a cool ass dream. But when I was a youth there were two dreams that fucked my head up something fierce.

Now with this first one I’m gonna talk about is one I had so many times and each time I woke up freaking the hell out and burying my head in a pillow. In hindsight the dreams aren’t even scary. Its actually really goofy. It involves a monkey and shoes with wheels. Yeah.

Dante Discusses Whitney & Chris

In this video blog I talk about Whitney Houston, gas prices, and Chris Brown.

Hatering On Catering

There was this story on the news about having catering trucks pretty much banned from school campuses because kids are too goddamn fat. They will have to park at least 1,500 feet away from schools. Now this bothers me for multiple reasons. Mostly because not only are catering trucks friggin’ awesome but because if it weren’t for them I would have starved as a child. And been hungry at my brother's funeral. Seriously. I got a burger at his funeral. I was grieving, okay?! Don't judge me.

Tears are a great substitute for salt!

The school I went to from 4th to the beginning of 10th grade was Mid-City Alternative. During lunch time they had a catering truck that would arrive downhill and we would race to it to eat such delicious treats like Mucho Machos, burgers, fries, or big ass root beer sodas. If it wasn’t for the $1.25 ($3 on Fridays) I wouldn’t have eaten. Know why?

Dante And His History Of Violence

In this video I discuss the multiple times I've had a weapon drawn on me. Yay!

Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance Review

I don’t know how they did it, but Marvel managed to make Ghost Rider lovable. I feel the need to defend the fact that I actually sat through this movie. Yes, I know it stars Nic Cage who has been steadily proving that he can get work even though he is now a terrible actor. But the whole crazy thing he does? Its getting really old and messing up movies that have the potential to be good.

I liked the first Ghost Rider movie…from what I remember. I don’t recall hating it. But this one, Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance, is just garbage. What was I expecting? I thought I was gonna see Ghost Rider setting shit on fire and smacking bitches with his chains. Story? Not sure. I’d honestly like to see him just riding around the city catching criminals and giving them his Penance Stare.

"In three minutes you're gonna feel terrible!!!"

He does do the stare but it takes forever to do! They explain this power through a shitty animated sequence at the beginning. Yes, a shitty animated sequence…from a movie…by Marvel Comics. They should be shamed of this. “Why the hell are you so upset about this movie?” you may ask. To which I reply “Because I fucking love Ghost Rider!” I used to draw this guy all the time. Its hard to fuck him up but they’ve managed to for millions of dollars.

This is the face I make after drinking apple juice.

So the story, which is something that any hack could’ve done, is a kid is going to be used by The Devil/Roarke to tranfer power and end the world and blah blah blah. Crap. Idris Elba is totally wasted as a drunk monk that wants to help Johnny Blaze (that’s Ghost Rider in human form who acts crazier than the demon version) gain his soul back and not be the Spirit Of Vengeance.

"Your mom really shouldn't have left you alone with me."

The kids mom is all like “No, not my innocent child that I conceived with The Devil and use to help me pickpocket people!” Blaze agrees to help. Now, the one thing I will say looks well about this movie is the effects used for Ghost Rider. But that cant make up for the weak ass story. As soon as you know the plot you know how this ends.

The bad guy. You can tell because he has an accent. 

So later the ex boyfriend and not father of the kid that will help end the world…one second while I rant. The ceremony that is going to end the world is attended by very rich and evil people. Justice League Doom is the first movie to address “Why would we help you end the world when we cant spend money?” These guys are just like “Whaevs. Let’s do this.”

Idris Elba with his Jamaican, French, English voice handing out guns. The drunk guy...with the weapons.

Anyway, Christopher Lambert (who they say had three months sword training which would be cool if he used it in the film) is in this as a bad monk but not really since he wants to kill the kid too because he knows its evil. The ex boyfriend becomes the villain Blackout who no one knows about. He can rot stuff.

What. The. Fuck.

Drunk monk, mom, and Johnny Blaze who no longer is the Ghost Rider get a bunch of guns, because that’s what monks collect along with wine for fun, and attack the evil people. The kid helps Blaze become Ghost Rider and a chase ensues that goes on for way too long and ends with The Devil being sent back to hell. The boy seems to die but Ghost Rider saves his life. Happy ending!

"I'm telling your motheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer...!"

This movie was done by the directors of Crank. You know that movie right? Yeah. Why would you give these two the money to make this pile of flaming shit? You cant have Nic Cage in human form out crazy the fucking demon with the flaming skull! It would make so much more of an impact if he was a normal guy (think Bruce Banner in The Hulk) who went nuts when changed. It cost 57 million and made 22. You know that awesome movie Chronicle? Costs 12 million and has made 51 million in three weeks. Marvel, cut the crap, okay?