Johnny Panic: Father/Daughter Fieldtrip

“Why does our daughter smell like ashes?” is not a question many parents have to answer to.

But I'm not like many parents. For one, the entire world knows who I am. For two, other parents are better liars than I am. Can't wait till Milly is old enough to grasp the concept of Santa Claus. That fat, red liar got all the credit my mother deserved growing up. I won't lie to my child! My lady...that's another story.

“I think she got into the chimney” I say to Ronica. Ronica is my lady not my wife. I call her my wife sometimes. She's dragging her heels on getting married until she loses all the weight she gained when she was pregnant with Milly. She's five pounds lighter than before she was pregnant. Its a lie. I'm just returning the lie favor.

“We live in Hawaii” she tells me.

“I know, right?!” I say. “And its so beautiful here...”

“And we don't have a chimney.”

“What kind of home has no chimney?!” I ask, genuinely shocked at this turn of events.

“Don't try to change the subject.”

“This will not stand!” I shout. Milly laughs and shouts as well which makes the pictures on the wall wobble and Ronica wince. “I refuse to raise our child in a chimney-less home! Pack your bags, sugarfoot. We're moving!”

While You Were Sleeping: McKayla Dyer

There was a school shooting last week and another one in Arizona this morning that is still developing. Meanwhile an 8 year old girl named McKayla Dyer was shot and killed by an 11 year old at a trailer park in White Pine, Tennessee and no one mentioned it. Back in the day a young, White kid being killed would dominate the news but in todays world it barely makes headlines. Its not sensational enough. Not enough blood. Not the right race to get attention. No cops involved. Just a kid killed. Its sad but true.

The 11 year old shooters name is not being released due to his age but he may be tried as an adult. It is being said that the boy shot McKayla because she would not let him see her puppy. He got his fathers shotgun and shot her in the chest. Her sister witnessed this. When police arrived she was unresponsive and was pronounced dead at the hospital. The boy and his family were taken to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office to be interviewed. The father asked for a lawyer to be present during the process.

Kids These Days 59

I am a dream killer. I know this about myself. Well, dream killer may be too strong of a term. Hope slayer. Wish smasher. Goal crusher. Those sound nicer. I saw this story a little bit ago of this 11 year old kid named Tyler Armstrong that plans on climbing Mt. Everest. I heard this and thought his parents hated him. Why would you let your kid do some shit like this?

Yeah, he's set some other records in the past (climbed Mount Whitney in a day when he was 8, he was the second youngest person to make it to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania at 9, he was the youngest to do Mount Aconcagua in Argentina, and in August Mount Elbrus in Russia). But its fucking Mt. Everest. This isn't something that will be done over the weekend. He will have to be there for over a month in conditions made to kill humans. “I'm really excited that I can actually go to Mount Everest, experience the mountain and get to the summit” Yeah. And I was excited about sex until I had it.

Five Things I Learned In Elementary School

Play time is over! This is a continuation of the first post I wrote about the Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School. Elementary school is an important part of growing up because not all, but a lot, of people become actualized during this time. What I mean by this is that they are what they will be at this time in terms of their attitude and personalities.

I know some people will not agree with these Five Things I Learned In Elementary School, specifically 1st grade through the 5th because by the time I was 10 years old the 6th grade became junior high. It was weird. So here goes. Prepare to be reminded of how terrible school was! School is a zoo that you need to experience to be ready for the shitty adult world we all live in.

Do Black People Fear Therapy?

Black people don't go to therapy. Mind you, this is a very general statement and some of you that are reading this saw that first sentence and said “I do!” or “I did!” or “They don't?” In high school I was sent to three therapy groups and to this day can't tell you why (click here to read more about my experiences with that). Well, in hindsight everything about me screamed “future school shooter” but that wasn't me. Quiet, dark clothes, keeps to himself. If it walks like a duck and quacks like it its likely a Black kid that has a terrible home life and doesn't know how to deal with it. Why?

Because mental therapy is for crazy White people!

That is what I was led to believe growing up. When you look at the history of Black people in this country it isn't all that hard to understand why they would have a distrust for the medical profession. Ever hear of the Tuskegee Experiments? The U.S Public Health Service intentionally withheld syphilis treatment from Black men to see what would happen from 1932 to 1972. As John Heller the Director of the Public Health Service's Division of Venereal Diseases said “For the most part, doctors and civil servants simply did their jobs. Some merely followed orders, others worked for the glory of science.” That doesn't sound too comforting.

What People Care About This Week: Ahmed Mohamed

For this post I'm gonna have to ask all of you to not put on your Social Justice Warrior t-shirt, form your own opinion, be honest, and realize that things are not the way they used to be. A few days ago a 14 year old student in Irving, Texas named Ahmed Mohamed was arrested for bringing a home made alarm clock to school. His teacher freaked out thinking it was a bomb, just like I would've, and called the police which led to his arrest. “I built the clock to impress my teacher, but when I showed it to her, she thought it was a threat to her. It was really sad that she took the wrong impression from it” Ahmed said after being released from a detention center to his parents.

The school, MacArthur High School, said that they are willing to allow Ahmed to return to the school but the family does not want him there and deciding where he'll go instead. The internet has started the hashtags #IstandWithAhmed and #EngineersForAhmed because that is what the world does now. President Barack Obama even invited him to the White House. Why? I'm not sure. I'm really not.

Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School

Preschool stinks. I know some of you went there or have kids that did or will be. But to me it was a strange place that removed children from spending more time with their parents like they should. This is coming from someone that does not plan on having kids ever and every woman I did (all two of them) didn't pan out. So this is the thoughts of someone that is childless and used to be a human of preschool age which means I am just the person to talk about this shit. In this Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School I'll discuss what pertains to me because this is my blog. Get your own blog, you loser. Oh, and I will be covering the rest of school as well. 

School Doesn't Sound Fun

When my brothers and cousins would get home from school they never looked like they had a good time. Well, the bad ones did because bad kids tend to enjoy school more than good ones. I would never hear stories about the fun things they learned in class or about a teacher that made them feel good. I'd just hear about how they wished they were doing what I was: staying home all day watching TV.

Kids These Days 58

You can find an asshole anywhere, even in a daycare center. Two women, 22 year old Erica Kenny of Cranford, NJ and 28 year old Chanese White of Roselle, NJ were both charged with fourth-degree child abuse after staging fights between children at the Lightbridge Academy Daycare and even being dumb enough to film some of them because we can not do a single thing (sex, child birth, concerts, eating) without filming it. When Cam sent me this story I immediately thought these people needed to be hurt and assumed someone recorded it. The school does have those cameras where parents can check up on their kids but no cameras are on the playground where the fights took place. As a former child I can tell you for a fact that the most violence took place on the playground.

As far as they know one fight took place in August. Kenny is the one that filmed the fight on her phone and posted it to Snapchat because she is stupid and thinks that because videos disappear from the site that no one can record them. In the video she encourages the kids to fight each other and even references the movie Fight Club which is stupid because if anyone in Fight Club had a camera they would have been beaten to death.

We Have A New Champion Of Penis

Baby's got dust on his diamond! 52 year old Roberto Esquivel Cabrera of Mexico is now in the World Record Academy for having the world's biggest penis. Just how big is it? 18.9 inches. That is almost as tall as four damned soda cans! This shit is scary! That's like taking my penis and adding 18.8 inches. 

Guinness are a bunch of no funners so they don't have a category for this type of thing, but its undeniable so someone had to give the poor bastard something. I mean poor in a literal sense because dude can't get any work because of the hog between his legs. He can't even get no love from the ladies because they are afraid but I'm not sure you'd really want a woman that could take that much man meat.

“Look where it is, it goes far below the knees. I cannot do anything, I cannot work, and I am disabled so I want authorities to declare me as a disabled person and give me support” he said in between deep breaths since so much oxygen is needed just to supply blood to his dick. I totally made that last part up but it could be true. He says he has no friends and people don't want to talk to him. What a bunch of assholes. Its not like he's that dude that had the 200 pound ball sack. He probably walks funny but its not like he is just tripping people with his shit.

What People Care About This Week: Live WDBJ Killings

People are going to be talking about this for the next few days so I felt that I should write about it. Recently at work someone asked me if I had heard about the Paris train attack and I said no. When asked why I said “I try my best to choose what I absorb.” What I mean by that is I barely watch the news, don't care much for world issues, and the only things that I pick up on are from social media or friends telling me. I'm comfortably ignorant. I know some people will read that and sigh or feel bad for me. Don't. This is a nice place to be. This post will be about a shooting that was aired on live television. You probably shouldn't keep reading this if you're sensitive. 

During a live on the scene broadcast at 6:45am WDBJ reporter Alison Parker who was 24 years old and 27 year old cameraman Adam Ward a former employee of the news station Bryce Williams aka Lester Flanagan walked up and shot and killed them. The lady being interviewed, Vicki Gardner, was shot in the back and as of this writing in surgery. Ward's fiancee was in the control room when this happened and saw him shot.

Tale Of A Thirsty Counselor

When I first saw this story I could not believe how thirsty this teacher was. In most stories I write about with a teacher getting buck wild with a student my 16 year old self gets incredibly jealous at the fact that so much action was going down in school while I stood around staring at the walls wondering why I wasn't getting some stank on my hang low. This is not one of those stories of jealousy. This is about 40 year old college prep counselor/swim coach Emily Fenney and her getting fired for chasing after a 16 year old high school student who didn't want anything to do with her.

Police started investigating Feeney about three months ago after they were told about the fact that she was participating in some thirst based texts to a 16 year old. Fenney is a Harvard graduate that told this kid that she had connections and could help him get onto the swim team at Harvard if he would just give up the goods. She started sending him pictures of her that I'm sure she thought were sexy and even a topless one. Ladies, here's a pro tip for you: if you send a straight male of any age a topless picture and he doesn't respond immediately do not continue pursuit. Hell, if a woman sends me a picture of her calf I'm ready to put a well sized hole in my screen.

Dante Vs. Nature 56

Hey, you wanna swim with a tiger for just $200? You do? Okay, jackass. Have at it. This place in Florida called Wild Things has a new attraction called “Swim With A Tiger” where you can bake cookies and learn about tigers in their natural environment. I'm kidding. Your dumb ass can swim in a pool with a tethered tiger. You can also pose with them so your friends and family can know what you used to look like. 

Dante Vs. Nature 55

Hahaha! Stupid bear! This guy in Idaho named Doug Harder who also happens to have the best porn name ever took this picture of this stupid bear getting his head stuck in his cat door. Reports speculate that the bear was looking for food. Maybe it was looking for some good conversation. Of course it was looking for food and by food I mean people. Harder came home from vacation and found his condo wrecked. A bar got in through the sliding door and ate some brownie mix, a can of Pepsi, and a Toblerone bar. Pepsi? Ew! Kill it! Then it took a mean shit in his living room.

New Dresser

I ordered a dresser online from Walmart last week and got it today. Stupid me I thought that it would be really easy to put together because the people online said it was. It was easy in theory. If I had a screwdriver that was made for my big ass hands or a power drill it would have been done in an hour. But combined with the heat and just not sleeping properly and hating everything I could see for a few days it was harder than it needed to be.

I gutted my closet last week by getting rid of three garbage bags worth of clothes, a ton of random nonsense, and a very large dresser I didn't need. I had wanted to get rid of it for years and just kept putting it off and working around it. I'm happy with how much more space I have and that my closet is cleaner. I've never been someone that held on to a lot of things for no reason so throwing things away is easy for me. It also helps I moved so much growing up so I can't get too attached to physical things.  

Grown Ass Man Tips: Cheating

There is a line in an old Dr. Dre song where he says “If its your ho in my ride then its your ho you check.” In layman's terms it means “If your girlfriend is in my car and you have a problem with it take it up with her because I am not the problem.” I have always liked that line but as I get older I appreciate it more for its efficiency in so few words. There are a lot of people that get upset that their lover or whatever is with someone else messing around and get mad at the person they are messing around with. Hell, there have been hundreds of movies, TV shows, and songs dedicated to someone getting revenge because of this. To those that say they would never cheat I'll wait for you to get back to me after you finally do. If you haven't been cheated on welcome to the world of dating or you just never found out. 

I've been cheated on twice...that I know of. Could've been more. But I didn't get mad at the guy she messed with (or girl in one case) because I wasn't dating them. I wasn't going to do was go on a rampage. I just went in both cases “I hope I was worth it” and left it there. Obviously I wasn't fulfilling some need they had or they had the chance and took it. Most people will not turn down some strange when they are in the mood for it or the strange they get at home isn't any good. So if you are being cheated on there is a good chance that your significant other is not happy with you. If you are the cheater chances are you're not happy. Either way deal with that shit. Just don't get caught. Or be in an open relationship. I can't do that (fear of booty cooties) but I hear it works great for others. 

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.