Miss BumBum Pageant Winner 2015

It is that time of the year where a pageant is held to crown the lady with the best ass in Brazil! Yes, this is a yearly thing which makes sense because when I think of Brazil I think of ass. And Children of God. And that spider that can bite you and make your penis so hard that it explodes. You think I'm making that up but I'm not. This is a real pageant. Oh, you thought I was still talking about that spider. No, I am talking about that Miss BumBum Pageant, son!

This years winner is Suzy Cortez. Mind you, this is about ass. Not, like, her face and stuff. Asses seem to be very important in Brazil and Black people of course and has now become a thing all over the world. Brazil accounts for 13% of plastic surgery in the world but you cant have a fake ass and enter this contest. I'll get to more on that later.

Cortez is a 26 year old fitness model and she and 500 other chicks competed in this pageant. I'm not even sure what the prize is other than a ton of people knowing you have the best ass this year. “I've been preparing myself for the past four months. I've always wanted to win this contest. I dedicated myself completely. I dieted and did rigorous training.” That entire sentence is funny to me. She's always wanted this and trained hard the last four months.

Dante Vs. Nature 57

This woman in Indiana found out the hard way that dogs are evolving when it shot her ass. 25 year old Allie Carter had her shotgun on the ground while she was hunting and her dog somehow managed to step on it and it went off. She was hit in the foot and had to be treated at two different hospitals. Guess the dogs name. Trigger. I shit you not. This isn't a picture of the actual dog but it is a black lab. Why the lab gotta be black?!

I bet that at some point she took one of those dog shaming pictures and Trigger just waited for his chance to strike and when he had it he took it. Every year there is a story where someone gets shot by their dog. I'd be too embarrassed to go to a hospital if this happened to me. I'd end up having some innocent person arrested from making some far more exciting story up.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Young Brothers Worked As Young Pimps

Two teenage brothers are being charged with running a prostitution ring. They are 15 year old Dionte Hunter and 17 year old Thaishaun Hunter. These names, I swear, these names. They were running their lemonade stand from their home in Spokane, Washington. Their business was found out because of a backpage.com ad and after Thaishaun was arrested earlier this year for a shooting.

While his phone calls were being checked while he was locked up at a juvenile detention center investigators caught wind of a conversation about promoting prostitution. In this call the brothers talked about a 14 year old prostitute making all the money with Dionte saying that she “looks too young” and her “face is fucked up.” In another conversation Thaishaun talked to a 16 year old prostitute that complained about not wanting to work because Dionte threatened to hurt her. In yet another call where another prostitute talked about Dionte beating the 14 year old Thaishaun said “You talking too much, these phone calls are recorded.”

In another call between the brothers that bragged about making $1,000 in eight hours and how their online ads were “poppin' off.” The phone number to contact them for some young sex was their mothers phone number with investigators figuring that she knew what her sons were doing. A 20 year old prostitute, Aaliyah Johnson, told police that Thaishaun was giving 25% of the money she earned to his mom. For whatever reason mom has not been charged yet. The 14 year old told police she worked with Johnson but was “not a victim.” She also said she was in the ads. This is just a whole pack of winners.  

Just Talking With Dante Episode 1

For this random series where I'll just be talking to people in my life about random topics my first guest is my cousin Jasmine. This is her first time on any of my shows. We talk about our love of food, Thousand Island dressing, her recent trip to Bali and why that place of all places, my lack of traveling or treating Vegas like Vegas, where she plans to travel next, and my strong belief that I could land a plane if need be. Click here if you want to download this.

Kids These Days 60

Some kids are assholes. Just gonna put that out there. You may have a kid that you think is great but to the rest of the world they just sigh and roll their eyes at them knowing that they are gonna be a shitty adult at some point. This 14 year old girl from Virginia is named Aliya May and she was suspended from school for a month and facing assault charges after tossing a carrot at one of her former teachers in the hallway, hitting her in the forehead.

Now, someone just said to themselves “Its just a carrot. You can't hurt anyone with a carrot.” That isn't the point, assbutt. You also have not seen Shoot Em Up with Clive Owen where he kills a guy with a carrot. The point of this is that a kid should never feel so damned comfortable in their position as a human being that they think throwing anything at an adult is an okay thing to do. Administrators say that the carrot was used as a weapon but Aliya said it was a joke. Ha.

Fear Totes McGoats

In Buffalo they have a new mascot for the Niagra Falls Solid Waste Education & Enforcement Team and it is creepy as hell. Its name is Totes McGoats and looks like someone heard a funny rhyme on the internet and said “This will help teach the kids how to recycle. And not sleep. Yeah. Definitely no sleep for the children.” Look at that thing! Its like an old drawing of the Devil! 

Mayor Paul Dyster said “I guess you would say Totes is a cute animal mascot, kind of scary actually. But having an animal mascot we think is one of the ways that you can reach out to kids and get their attention.” 

There is no kid that will look at that and do anything but be afraid. If I turned the corner and saw this I'd throw my wallet at it, scream, and pray to Cthulhu before simultaneously shitting myself and puking. I don't like it. That mayor is lying saying this thing is cute. Its a beast. And why does it have the expression like its eating a soul? Answer: because it is. Yours. Mine. Everyone. Fear Totes.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Advice

Whenever I feel like angering my blood I know I can just go to Cosmo online and check out their advice column. They tend to give very long winded answers to questions I would answer in five seconds if a friend asked me. So I bitch about it. That is what this is. This time there were two that stood out. The way this goes is someone will ask a question, some Cosmo writer that hates women or is a social justice warrior will respond, and then I put in my two cents. Got it? No? You need more coffee.

Johnny Panic: Father/Daughter Fieldtrip

“Why does our daughter smell like ashes?” is not a question many parents have to answer to.

But I'm not like many parents. For one, the entire world knows who I am. For two, other parents are better liars than I am. Can't wait till Milly is old enough to grasp the concept of Santa Claus. That fat, red liar got all the credit my mother deserved growing up. I won't lie to my child! My lady...that's another story.

“I think she got into the chimney” I say to Ronica. Ronica is my lady not my wife. I call her my wife sometimes. She's dragging her heels on getting married until she loses all the weight she gained when she was pregnant with Milly. She's five pounds lighter than before she was pregnant. Its a lie. I'm just returning the lie favor.

“We live in Hawaii” she tells me.

“I know, right?!” I say. “And its so beautiful here...”

“And we don't have a chimney.”

“What kind of home has no chimney?!” I ask, genuinely shocked at this turn of events.

“Don't try to change the subject.”

“This will not stand!” I shout. Milly laughs and shouts as well which makes the pictures on the wall wobble and Ronica wince. “I refuse to raise our child in a chimney-less home! Pack your bags, sugarfoot. We're moving!”

While You Were Sleeping: McKayla Dyer

There was a school shooting last week and another one in Arizona this morning that is still developing. Meanwhile an 8 year old girl named McKayla Dyer was shot and killed by an 11 year old at a trailer park in White Pine, Tennessee and no one mentioned it. Back in the day a young, White kid being killed would dominate the news but in todays world it barely makes headlines. Its not sensational enough. Not enough blood. Not the right race to get attention. No cops involved. Just a kid killed. Its sad but true.

The 11 year old shooters name is not being released due to his age but he may be tried as an adult. It is being said that the boy shot McKayla because she would not let him see her puppy. He got his fathers shotgun and shot her in the chest. Her sister witnessed this. When police arrived she was unresponsive and was pronounced dead at the hospital. The boy and his family were taken to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office to be interviewed. The father asked for a lawyer to be present during the process.

Kids These Days 59

I am a dream killer. I know this about myself. Well, dream killer may be too strong of a term. Hope slayer. Wish smasher. Goal crusher. Those sound nicer. I saw this story a little bit ago of this 11 year old kid named Tyler Armstrong that plans on climbing Mt. Everest. I heard this and thought his parents hated him. Why would you let your kid do some shit like this?

Yeah, he's set some other records in the past (climbed Mount Whitney in a day when he was 8, he was the second youngest person to make it to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania at 9, he was the youngest to do Mount Aconcagua in Argentina, and in August Mount Elbrus in Russia). But its fucking Mt. Everest. This isn't something that will be done over the weekend. He will have to be there for over a month in conditions made to kill humans. “I'm really excited that I can actually go to Mount Everest, experience the mountain and get to the summit” Yeah. And I was excited about sex until I had it.

Five Things I Learned In Elementary School

Play time is over! This is a continuation of the first post I wrote about the Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School. Elementary school is an important part of growing up because not all, but a lot, of people become actualized during this time. What I mean by this is that they are what they will be at this time in terms of their attitude and personalities.

I know some people will not agree with these Five Things I Learned In Elementary School, specifically 1st grade through the 5th because by the time I was 10 years old the 6th grade became junior high. It was weird. So here goes. Prepare to be reminded of how terrible school was! School is a zoo that you need to experience to be ready for the shitty adult world we all live in.

Do Black People Fear Therapy?

Black people don't go to therapy. Mind you, this is a very general statement and some of you that are reading this saw that first sentence and said “I do!” or “I did!” or “They don't?” In high school I was sent to three therapy groups and to this day can't tell you why (click here to read more about my experiences with that). Well, in hindsight everything about me screamed “future school shooter” but that wasn't me. Quiet, dark clothes, keeps to himself. If it walks like a duck and quacks like it its likely a Black kid that has a terrible home life and doesn't know how to deal with it. Why?

Because mental therapy is for crazy White people!

That is what I was led to believe growing up. When you look at the history of Black people in this country it isn't all that hard to understand why they would have a distrust for the medical profession. Ever hear of the Tuskegee Experiments? The U.S Public Health Service intentionally withheld syphilis treatment from Black men to see what would happen from 1932 to 1972. As John Heller the Director of the Public Health Service's Division of Venereal Diseases said “For the most part, doctors and civil servants simply did their jobs. Some merely followed orders, others worked for the glory of science.” That doesn't sound too comforting.

What People Care About This Week: Ahmed Mohamed

For this post I'm gonna have to ask all of you to not put on your Social Justice Warrior t-shirt, form your own opinion, be honest, and realize that things are not the way they used to be. A few days ago a 14 year old student in Irving, Texas named Ahmed Mohamed was arrested for bringing a home made alarm clock to school. His teacher freaked out thinking it was a bomb, just like I would've, and called the police which led to his arrest. “I built the clock to impress my teacher, but when I showed it to her, she thought it was a threat to her. It was really sad that she took the wrong impression from it” Ahmed said after being released from a detention center to his parents.

The school, MacArthur High School, said that they are willing to allow Ahmed to return to the school but the family does not want him there and deciding where he'll go instead. The internet has started the hashtags #IstandWithAhmed and #EngineersForAhmed because that is what the world does now. President Barack Obama even invited him to the White House. Why? I'm not sure. I'm really not.

Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School

Preschool stinks. I know some of you went there or have kids that did or will be. But to me it was a strange place that removed children from spending more time with their parents like they should. This is coming from someone that does not plan on having kids ever and every woman I did (all two of them) didn't pan out. So this is the thoughts of someone that is childless and used to be a human of preschool age which means I am just the person to talk about this shit. In this Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School I'll discuss what pertains to me because this is my blog. Get your own blog, you loser. Oh, and I will be covering the rest of school as well. 

School Doesn't Sound Fun

When my brothers and cousins would get home from school they never looked like they had a good time. Well, the bad ones did because bad kids tend to enjoy school more than good ones. I would never hear stories about the fun things they learned in class or about a teacher that made them feel good. I'd just hear about how they wished they were doing what I was: staying home all day watching TV.

Kids These Days 58

You can find an asshole anywhere, even in a daycare center. Two women, 22 year old Erica Kenny of Cranford, NJ and 28 year old Chanese White of Roselle, NJ were both charged with fourth-degree child abuse after staging fights between children at the Lightbridge Academy Daycare and even being dumb enough to film some of them because we can not do a single thing (sex, child birth, concerts, eating) without filming it. When Cam sent me this story I immediately thought these people needed to be hurt and assumed someone recorded it. The school does have those cameras where parents can check up on their kids but no cameras are on the playground where the fights took place. As a former child I can tell you for a fact that the most violence took place on the playground.

As far as they know one fight took place in August. Kenny is the one that filmed the fight on her phone and posted it to Snapchat because she is stupid and thinks that because videos disappear from the site that no one can record them. In the video she encourages the kids to fight each other and even references the movie Fight Club which is stupid because if anyone in Fight Club had a camera they would have been beaten to death.