Dante Vs. Nature 67

A few days ago I watched this cool ass special about plants that ate insects and sometimes rodents on PBS as suggested by Camille. While watching all these goofy ass insects I got stuck in a Wikipedia hole and wondered which insects hurt the most when they stung us. The second worse is called a tarantula hawk or as I say “churanchula” hawk. Fuck this thing. Ain't a tarantula or a hawk! 

Its about two inches long and gets its name because it paralyzes an actual tarantula and then drags its stupid body to its nest and lays its eggs inside of the spiders abdomen. When the babies are hatched they eat the tarantula for a long time making sure to keep it alive as long as possible. They are then big enough to burst out the spider because nature isn't scary enough so it decided that you should be walking through a jungle one day, spot a dead tarantula, and suddenly these things come exploding out of its body. Tarantula hawks are known as something called nectarivorous and will eat fermented fruit till they get drunk and can't fly. Yeah. That's just what I thought the world was missing. Flying death bugs that are turnt. They say that the best way to handle being stung by one of these is to just lay somewhere and scream. I'm dead serious. They says its because when you are in that much pain you are gonna be acting eleven kinds of stupid and should just chill the fuck out. And scream. The sting won't kill you but you will just wish you were.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 23

Jasmine is back! We talk about our day of getting Plan Check, a new donut spot, complaints about being in downtown Los Angeles, me talking shit about everyone I see on the street, we lose our minds for a few minutes because of “chocolate mudslides”, a new drug called “pink”, Uber rides, hanging out with ugly people, and why I only hang out with girls. This was one of my favorite shows to record and edit. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante episodes.

The Devil You Know

I have been trying to figure out how to write this for a while now. Last year someone I've known on and off since I was in junior high disappeared for a while. I'd send him comic book links and nerd stuff on Facebook and he wouldn't respond or see any of them. Fast forward months later and a mutual acquaintance asked if I had heard from him and asked if I checked the sheriffs inmate site for him. I'm glad that the way my life is going no one thinks to do that if they don't hear from me. They just think I am dead. So I check the site and it showed that his bail was set at a million dollars and that he was charged with a felony.

Yeah. Imagine my surprise.

But this was just the beginning. I talked to my mother about this and a few friends about this and she said to call and just ask what he was locked up for. I didn't know it was that easy. The lady answered, I gave his name, and she was like “continuous abuse of a minor.” I said thank you and hung up like “What. The. Fuck.” I told someone else that has known him even longer than I did and he was in shock as well. I told the first person that got me onto this and she was doubtful of the charge while my brain immediately thought he was guilty because he's a guy.

Kids These Days 71

When I first heard this story I was like “So what's the big deal?” I saw so many fights in school growing up and was in a couple. Hell, seeing a fight in school was one of the most exciting things that could happen. You remember what it was like if you missed a day at school? People would be like “There were three fights yesterday! Miss Aberley threw Tamika across the hallway! It was crazy!” It always happened like that. When you were there the fight was wack or would be broken up before it really started. These days kids are fucking savages and there are no one on one fights. Also, they record it. There is no evidence of fights from when I was growing up unless some kid got beat so bad they look or act different till this day. 

This fight happened at Cheltenham High School in Wyncote which is somewhere near Philly. These two girls started fighting and then two more jumped in because kids are kids. Everyone starts screaming and then some teachers try to break it up. There is a way to break up fights, you know. These teachers didn't and one of them tried to catch hands with her face and went down like a sack of bricks.

As you can see from the video provided she took a dive. I've watched boxing damn near 40 years and I know a dive when I see one. This was some Vladi Divac level shit. Some FIFA shit. That was a glancing blow at best. In all eight teachers were hurt. This shit started at 7:30am which means the shit talking started the previous night. Three of the girls were charged as children while one of them who is 18, Amber Lewis, was charged as an adult. Isn't the law weird? She was locked up on $10,000 bond. Goddamn. People beat up cops and get out for less than that. The school has offered counseling for students that are weaker than that teachers' jaw if they wanna talk about the fight.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

While You Were Sleeping: Jordan Edwards Shooting

Whenever there is any shooting of a Black person by police the first thing that is done is digging. Media outlets and bloggers who side with the police regardless of any information that has or has not been released will begin to see if their “side” is going to win another fight. Its stupid and never something I understand. People do the same thing with politics, religion, and their race. They want to know if someone who is now dead ever committed a crime, hit a woman, or owned a gun to justify why they are no longer breathing. Jordan Edwards is a 15 year old kid that was shot and killed by Officer Roy Oliver last Saturday in Balch Springs, Texas.

DaddyOFive Kids Thankfully Taken Away

There is a Youtube channel called DaddyOFive and MommyOFive that some of you may have heard of from the news. I heard about them about a month ago of them pranking their kids. That's what they do. Its not even funny. Its the kinda shit that makes serial killers and school shooters. I'm not kidding. A lot of kids get fucked with by their family for far less and do some violent shit because of it let alone having it posted online for millions of people to see. The channel is run by the father Michael Martin and his wife Heather Martin. In another video commenting on people talking about their bad parenting skills they sit together and call everyone a hater. If you don't like seeing kids yelled at for things they didn't do and traumatized then you are a hater.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 22

In this random ass episode I talk about being sick, getting tired of having hair, my lack of enthusiasm, and Kim Kardashian's giant fake ass. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Dante Vs. Nature 66

Nature is like a god that will only send you to hell if you worship it. “That doesn't make sense” someone just said. No. You don't make sense. Much like nature. I saw a bat online and immediately said “Fuck you!” to it and decided to look up some other bats. Out of these three I only knew of the existence of one of them. Its the Megabat. Just by the name alone you know its trouble. This punk ass thing has a wingspan of almost six fucking feet. That is not fair. 

They say it only eats fruit but I think they are lying. They do not use echolocation like most bats instead having a great sense of smell instead. See, that way they can smell your fear and snatch you away from your adventurous friends on that stupid ass hike they convinced you to go on. You know how many people have died and the last thing they heard was “Oh, don't worry. It only eats fruit and bugs”? I don't know either. But I bet its in the dozens. Oh, and get this. They are reservoirs for the ebola virus. You even know what the fuck that means? It means they carry the shit but show no signs of it. Assholes. Flying in the air with they little dingalings just flapping in the breeze. Its gross!

My Current Jam: Random Ass Women

I am into the most random ass women at the moment and oversharing. The first is a fitness chick named Miche. Don't know the rest of her name. Don't care. I like looking at her. I don't even know what her voice sounds like. She is in her early 20's, from Tampa Florida, and is 5 foot 2 and 140 pounds most of which seems to be in two places. The fact that she is super young and into fitness means that automatically I am out of the running for being with her in any sense of the word. 

She is also into motivating people so I am definitely out. She is into guys with goals so we're pretty much beating a dead horse. What a terrible phrase that is. Her size (hips and all that shit) is available but it means nothing to me. Even when bra sized is explained to me in the simplest terms my brain just goes “Dolphins are so weird...” and I drift off. This chick is hot and tiny and I could fit her into my pocket. The only turn off I could find is when she said in an interview that she doesn't like Photoshop in her pictures and has cellulite and such. Its like when a 20 years old dude that should physically be at his peak saying he doesn't mind that he doesn't have abs. Its like, shut up. You'll mind one day. Anyhoot, cute chick. I'd smash. I love that term. Its terrible, but I love it and never get to say it.

Five Things I Learned Late

As smart as I was as a child there were still quite a few bits of basic information that I did not learn, was not taught, or never bothered to learn at an age appropriate time. I'm not quite sure how to describe the way I learned certain things while others just scooted on by. But there are some things I do remember learning or stumbling across and learning. These are Five Things I Learned Late. I know that you will read this and either laugh or feel bad for me. Don't. Feel bad that I ain't got any ass in a year or because I didn't taste a real mango until I was 35 years old.

How To Tie My Shoes

This one is a combination of parents that didn't give a damn and a lazy kid. I saw kids tying their shoes that were younger than me. I saw it on TV shoes. I knew that it was something I needed to learn, but fuck that. I was young and had shit to do. I didn't have time to be stopping to bend down and tie something I could just stuff into the sides of my shoes. Mind you, I waltzed into kindergarten knowing how to read and do math and at the age of 7 was reading at a junior high level. I just couldn't tie my shoes. It wasn't until I was 9 years old that I said “Guess its time to learn this” and did. It didn't take long at all. I just stared at my shoes, recalled some bullshit I saw on a TV show where a kid learned to tie his shoes, and that was it.

Folks Eating And Dying

I heard about two separate cases of people dying during some kind of eating/endurance challenges. The first was this cute ass 20 year old chick named Caitlin Nelson. Yes, the first thing I thought when I saw her before hearing her story was how cute she was. The second was that her dad died on 9/11. The third was that she was one of the most helpful people ever. And lastly that she died during a charity pancake eating contest. At this contest at her school Sacred Heart University in Fairfield in Connecticut she choked to death during the event. The official cause of death stated “asphyxia due to obstruction of airway by bolus of food.” I have never heard the term bolus in my entire life.

A policeman said that she started to choke on the food and someone noticed and helped her to the ground. They began CPR until police arrived two minutes later. The police tried to clear her throat but it didn't work and she ended up dying at the hospital. She was actually taken to one hospital and then another. Her family has stated that she was an organ donor so even in death she is still being more helpful than I'll ever be if you ave me another 38 years on this planet. After reading her story I thought “What a shitty way to go.” Just the other day my cousin asked me how I'd like to die. Fast or long. Fast meaning suddenly. Slow meaning I have time to say goodbye to folks and get shit in order. I picked fast.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 21

Jasmine is back and I am the happy! We discuss our Fat Tour (its a thing where we go to three or more places to eat in one day), ICDC is mentioned one of four times, discuss sushi, information at our fingertips, Jasmine makes fun of me for eating shelled peanuts, signs you're old and how to handle it, and Dante talks about a man crying like a little bitch. Click here for previous episodes.

Hot Mama Arrested

Whether you want to believe it or not, when you are a certain level of attractive you can get away with certain things in life more often than someone who is not genetically gifted physically. It also helps if you are a middle aged White woman who can wear the fuck out of some tight jeans. Seriously. That is a thing for me. If a woman can wear some tight ass jeans that look like they were sewn around her I get happy...in my pants. You should probably stop reading now if that upset you because I'm like reverse wine in a lot of ways. And I like women with mom bodies. This is 38 year old mother Brooke Lajiness of Michigan. She went to court a couple weeks back because she is accused of having sex with a 14 year old boy between eight and fifteen times (who's counting?) and sending butt booty ass naked pictures to one another. This began in the summer of last year. Know what I was doing summer of last year? Working and not even close to getting 38 year old White lady ass, that's what. I like her even in court. Not sure I like that shirt and scarf ensemble though. But no make up or jewelry? Tell me more!

Fake Booty Doctor Sentenced

Holy shit. There are some people I look at and it startles me. Oneal Ron Morris startles the fuck out of me. I wasn't sure if this was a woman dressed like a dude or a dude trying to dress badly as a woman. Turns out she is transitioning to a man. So let us pretend that I am PC and just refer to Oneal as he for the rest of this post. Oneal is in trouble for giving people bootleg ass injections and killing one of them. I am pretty sure I talked about this person on a podcast or something because, honestly, who could forget a face like that? Back in 2011 Oneal injected a woman name Shatarka Nuby with Fix-a-Flat, mineral oil, cement, and bathroom caulking to have a larger ass and hips. Nuby wrote a letter from prison to the court (don't ask) but ended up dying as a result of this “surgery.” There aren't quotation marks large enough for this shit.

Oneal was charged with manslaughter back in 2012 and just a month ago pleaded no contest to charges. Oneal was given 10 years in prison and five years probation which doesn't seem all that bad for murder death killing someone by sticking Home Depot products into their body. Oneal used the products on himself as well. Herself. Shit. I may have it backwards and he is transitioning into a woman. I don't fucking know. Either way, the results speak for themselves. I mean...look. That looks 100% natural to me. 

Dante's Double Standard Corner 1

Hello. This is my first and possibly last installment of what I am calling Dante's Double Standard Corner. Every logical human should know that there are double standards in the world and in some cases choose to disregard the fact that some work in your favor depending on your race, sex, or country of origin. Black dudes are said to have big dicks. Women get into clubs free on certain nights and get free drinks because...women. And you never headbutt a Samoan because they feel no pain there. Source: wrestling. You still with me? Good. Or not depending on how far you make it. In this post I am going to talk about a teacher that slept with a student. I have written dozens o posts about this and depending on how hot the teacher is I'll express varying ranges of jealousy, envy, or desire to time travel.

This story involves 27 year old (meaning too young to be a high school teacher because she was, like, just there) Sarah Fowlkes. As you can see, she is cute. Not cute as fuck which is a term I've been overusing lately, but cute. She taught biology at Lockhart High in Texas since 2014. Reports say she is facing 20 years of convicted which made me laugh so hard I fainted, bumped my head, and forgot what love was. She turned herself in and took that chipper ass mugshot. Oh, and she was arrested just after her birthday. So...yeah. I hate when bad things happen on special days so every year she is gonna look forward to this personal disappointment.