The Most Deserved Ass Kicking

How do you feel about instant justice? I like it. Some people call it karma immediately proving that they have never bothered to look up the definition of the word. I think it's just the universe righting itself is an rather quick manner. I saw this story and it reminded me of things I have said regarding being a father. No, I am not a father and never will be, but that doesn't keep me from fantasizing being a Liam Neeson level dad that will risk prison in honor of my children. An unnamed father in Florida beat the living shit out of this assclown, 18 year old Raymond Frolander. Frolander was supposed to be babysitting this kid. The father, who I shall refer to as Vengeance Dad, found Frolander in bed with his 11 year old son sexually assaulting him. What happened next is an attack the likes of which have not been seen since March 3rd, 1991...or any other random day in Los Angeles. Here is some of the transcript from the 911 call the father made after beating this guy like a drum.

Caller: “I just walked in and found a grown man molesting my son, and I got him in a bloody puddle for you right now, officer.”

Dispatcher: “You said the person who assaulted, you beat him up?”

Caller: “Oh yeah, send him an ambulance. He's going to need one.”

Graphic image of Frolander below.

Kids These Days 40

Growing up I was exposed to a lot of different candies, some of which no longer exist for social, health, or political reasons. I was watching a bunch of food clips from Buzzfeed (and have now developed a crush on a few of the women on there) and it got me to thinking about the strange Mexican candy I ate when I was a young boy. These are five of the ones that I managed to not only eat consistently but despite all the lead and asshole destroying ingredients managed to survive.

Limon. Guess the ingredients of this one. If you said salt, then you are correct! Well, with some lime flavoring. With more salt. Till this day I'm not sure what was the purpose of eating these. And I would eat packs and packs of these. Licking them off my filthy 1980's kid hands or when I felt like shortening my lifespan I would just dump the whole packet into my mouth. My heart rate would speed up, my mouth would go dry, I'd clutch my chest. This candy gave you all the side effects of a major organ failing yet I would keep on eating it. Sometimes I would mix the yellow and green packets together, raise one to the sky, and challenge god to a duel. Your move, holy man. There were some kids that would mix this with sugar. I forget what we used to call those kids. Oh, that's right. Pussies. You eat your lime salt straight or get the fuck out of my neighborhood!

36 Year Old Mother And A 12 Year Old Boy

This is gonna be one of those posts that is full of double standards and examples of what a terrible human being I am. A 36 year old woman in Florida named Joy McCall was given ten years in prison with 134 days of credit for time served after sleeping with a 12 year old boy. The boy was her friends son which gives this an extra little stank on it. And the fact that she has a son his age. Joy pleaded guilty to two counts of lewd and lascivious battery on a child. She was sentenced this week but arrested back in February after the boy told his friend that he was boning his mothers friend while in church. No, not boning in church. He told his friend in church. Then this “friend” told his mother. Then this mother contacted the other mother who checked her sons phone and sure enough there were text messages full of the sexy time as well as a picture of Joy in her draws. The police were contacted and an investigation started because no one is allowed to have fun. I'm kidding. But not. Joy contacted the kid a bunch of times on Facebook which is why your kid shouldn't have Facebook until they are in high school.

If you have a kid under 15 that has Facebook they are talking about shit they shouldn't. If you have a kid in high school that has Facebook it's a safe assumption that wrong shit is happening. She made plans to meet up with him at the mall where they had sex in her car. They also had sex in a wooded area which is something I would never do because fuck nature.

According to cops they had sex a total of three times which means it's closer to being around ten because math. In the mall incident he got a ride from his brother, said he had to use the bathroom, and got his bone on. In the others he told his parents he was going for a bike ride. Oh, he was going for a ride alright. You know what I'm talking about.

I know there are a lot of women reading this and are horrified and disgusted with this women. And they should be. There are also a lot of men that are. Then there are the men that don't lie to themselves and wish that some shit like this happened to them when they were 12. Between the ages of 10 and 16 I would have had sex with any woman that offered it but chubby Black boys weren't a hot commodity.

I am fully aware that sex with a child is terrible. If I had a kid and an adult was having sex with them I'd be in prison for murder. But...I vividly remember what it was like being a 12 year old boy and if a woman that looked like Joy was offering I would be accepting. Ten years in prison doesn't sound like a lot of time but then again this is a woman and they tend to get lighter sentences in America. Plus this happened in Florida where you get a ticket for disturbing neighbors after shooting kids because guns are loud. When I hear stories of women having sex with young boys I always have the same two questions. 1. How does she look? 2. How did the law find out? Joy looks okay. She has great hips. Looking through all the pictures of her online she is inconsistent with her makeup. As for question two, the friend who told his mom is no friend I'd ever want to have. The victim isn't going to jail. That boy who told would have to watch his back for ruining my sex. Again, I am aware of how terrible all this sounds. He'll be 22 and ruined sexually by the time she gets out. She'll be 46, divorced, and her life ruined. I doubt her husband and kids are understanding of this. But then again...Florida. 

Dante Vs. Nature 43

Oh, boy. In Seattle this guy who wanted to kill a spider ended up burning his house down. Bet you're wondering how killing something that is so small can turn into a home being burned to the ground. While in his laundry room he spotted a spider and figured that his only option to kill it was to use a lighter and spray paint. The wall burst into flames and then the rest of the house followed suit. The home, which is...was a rental, will cost about $40,000 to repair. Red Cross is putting him up until he finds a place for him and his woman to live. Nope. If I ever did something this dumb I'd lie my ass off about the cause. Were there no shoes in his home to kill the spider with? This is the kinda dumb shit you'd do if you were 9 years old and feeling particularly pre-sociopathic. This guy should be homeless and single. Its not like I'm defending spiders. Fuck spiders. But fuck stupid people more.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.  

Reporters End Up In Hospital Because Of Burger

Two British journalists named Arron Hendy and Ruari Barratt ended up at a hospital after eating a hamburger. This wasn't like that poison burger I had when I worked at the hospital and got food poisoning that lasted six days. They both had one bite of a burger called XXX Hot Chilli Burger. They stopped at a place called Burger Off where they got to experience getting wrecked by food. The paper they work for, Argus, reported “After taking one bite he decided the burger was too spicy to eat anymore and was physically OK after drinking lots of milk.” Now, if someone I am hanging with eats a burger and stops after one bite chances are I'm not gonna try it. I'm just not that adventurous and I value my asshole enough to play with it this way. If it's hot going down it's gonna be close to as bad coming out. But not everyone thinks like me because the other reporter, Barratt, who is in training took a bite. He got it worse.

“He took a bite and minutes later suffered severe stomach pains, which increased. He lost the feeling in his hands, his legs were shaking and his eyes rolled back in his head.” They say that Hendy started getting these same symptoms but later. Hendy later said “If you're thinking of trying this burger for a dare, just don't.” Thanks for the advice!

Yoga In Traffic

51 year old woman from Ocala, Florida named Michele Cernak decided that the best thing to do when she was high out of her mind was to do some yoga in the middle of the highway while wearing nothing but her draws. When the police showed up after a 911 call and checked her truck, that she was 10 feet away from, they found heroin and drug paraphernalia. They noticed that she was bleeding from the ankle. She told them that she was shooting heroin. She ended up being charged with three felonies and two misdemeanors and has a bond of $5000. You know, despite being a 51 year old heroin addict, this lady looks pretty good. Or maybe I'm just so used to seeing meth addict mugshots that ones with heroin look okay to me. I wouldn't expect a heroin addict to even get the idea into their head to leave the house let alone break out the yoga. I'd be mad if drugs made me active. I like to think that if I got stoned that I would just sit there and stare at the walls. Like how I do normally. Not exercising. 

Out of this whole thing I think what bothers me most is that she was doing yoga in her draws. You know good and damned well that if a chick is gonna be doing yoga she needs to be doing it in yoga pants. Preferably black but whatever. I don't like yoga, did it once and ruined my neck, but I love what women wear when they are doing it. Hell, they don't even have to do yoga for me to enjoy a chick in yoga pants. Next to plaid skirts these are the best things ever invented for women. I don't care about high heels. Expensive ass makeup. Hairstyles. Whatevers. Yoga pants. But sadly Ms. Cernak didn't have those on. She had draws. And was high on heroin. In traffic. In Florida. I don't care how hot a chick is a woman that gets high enough to do yoga in the middle of the street is just too much for me. I think. But if a chick looked great in yoga pants during the week and wore plaid skirts on weekends I'd deal with the whole being a junkie thing. 

Ladies That's Not A Purse

Why do women use their vajayjays like purses? 42 year old Jennifer Renee Crosby of Florida was arrested when she was riding with Robert William King and he was pulled over because his windows were tinted. When cops asked him for his license he shouted “I don't have a license! I'm habitual!” Then the police noticed that Jennifer seemed nervous asked asked if she was holding. At first she lied and said that she didn't have drugs when asked but when they said they were bringing a female cop to give her the business she said “I have drugs up my vagina.” While having the drugs removed, crack cocaine because apparently it's 1987 again, she said “Ouch! The foil is hurting the inside of my vagina.” Well, yeah. That'll happen. Jennifer and Robert had the drugs and $3.743 in cash on them. She was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of cocaine while King was busted for as habitual offender charge. Thankfully no kids are missing in this because that would be just too much Florida for one story.  

Tale of Two Gregory's Jerking It

Gregory N. Kotzar, a 56 year old of Dover, Delaware, is in trouble for jerking it in his backyard while being butt booty ass naked. Some chick employees at a dental office that were able to see this freak-show called police saying that they saw him walking around nude and touching his nasty old thangy thang. Oh, and the fact that a few months prior h had left some business cards at the dental office. He's done this a few times and enough is enough. He was charged with four counts of indecent exposure and two of lewdness. He was released on $4000 bond. I would've left his ass in jail for a while and seen if he did the same routine there. May I add that this guy does not look like he was built properly? The head, shoulder, neck ratio seems to be all out of whack. If I saw this guy playing his fiddle in public I think I'd stare a little longer than needed just because he looks so weird. It'd be like if you were hiking and stumbled across Bigfoot masturbating. Should you run? Yes. Should you look? No. But you will. Shut up. You know you'd watch some Sasquatch beating it.

Then down in Florida 53 year old Gregory Johnson was jacking off in his car. In front of a family. In the parking lot of a Walmart. He was also carrying condoms and Viagra because you never know when you could get some stank on your hang low. He for whatever reason then got out of the car and kept on masturbating because fuck giving up, right? Turns out this asshole is a registered sex offender and is on probation for alleged sexual assault. He was charged with probation violation and lewd and lascivious behavior. Can we just say he was charged with being a nasty bastard? Is this what I have to look forward to in my 50's? I just throw away all my prudish behavior that I've been carrying around all these years and just start whipping it out in front of folks? I hope not. I have gray hair already. By the time I'm 50 what's in my draws will look like a dark Christmas tree. That went off the rails quick, didn't it? But seriously. Look at this guy. If you told me that he wasn't the kind of guy that jerked off in public I wouldn't believe you. 

The F**k Is Vajazzle?!

Have you heard of this Vajazzle nonsense? This was something that I had never in my life knew existed until a friend brought it up. The next day I saw two news stories about it and then the next thing I knew I couldn't turn on the TV or go online without seeing someone talking about this. What Vajazzle is are these crystals that women put all over or around their vajayjays to make them look...pretty? Sparkly? More interesting? I don't know. Either way I don't like it.

I'm not sure why it was created. I wonder if there was some woman just sitting at home thinking her vagina looked boring and needed to bring a little more excitement to her draws. Or maybe guy told his wife “You know what would make your ladybits more interesting? Jewels!” Next thing you know the Vajazzle exists and guys have the potential to have their mouths looking like Lil Wayne's.

Model Charged With Flashing Her Vajayjay

Some people just don’t know when to stop. This chick Devan Serpa, 29, was arrested in Louisiana in connection with a shooting got locked up. No one was hit but there were bullet holes in two vehicles. That alone didn’t earn her a place in the news because as Slick Rick once said, “That type of shit happens everyday.” No, Devan is in even more trouble because of what she did while locked up. While being booked she decided that it would be a good idea to show her goods to a jailer. Now, when I first heard about this I thought maybe it was after being locked up for a few days she got the need to behave a little frisky. Maybe get a little extra gravy on her biscuit. I mean that literally. Like, I don’t mean that sexually in any way. So because of this she was slapped with an obscenity charge as well. Before that she was charged with illegal use of a weapon and aggravated criminal damage to property. I wonder why she was standing around hanging out with folks that would encourage her to shoot at cars just parked on the street. Maybe if she lived on Wilshire I'd get it. Parking is terrible there.

She does modeling as well the same way anyone that is attractive does meaning that someone has taken pictures of her, slapped a watermark on it, and she is now a model. You know the funny part about this? She just picked the wrong guard. I'm sure that if she had gotten arrested for illegal shit at the right time that some guard would've tried to tap her. But she got a guy that was happily married or just not feeling it that day. Next thing you know she got new charges and a mugshot that is a 7 out of 10 in terms of hot mugshots. In case you're wondering Kimora Lee Simmons is the leader for 10 years running with Michelle Rodriguez running second. The reports say nothing about any alcohol or drugs being involved which is surprising because in my history it takes one or both of those things for a woman to flash me some of that good stuff. But this chick seems to be just offering it up in jail for free. When you think about it that's pretty nice of her. If I ever went to jail the last thing I'd ever do was flash my piece. To cops, prisoners, or even in the shower. This woman was like whatever. Here it is. You like what you see? No? Oh, well. Slap another charge on, lawman. 

116 Year Old Woman Lives My Worst Nightmare

There's this lady named Gertrude Weaver who recently celebrated her 116th birthday. That is not a typo. There will probably be plenty of those later in this. She is officially the second oldest person alive after some other 116 year old woman in Japan. She is listed the 11th oldest person of all time because no one is taking those hundreds of year old people from the bible seriously. Noah was 500? Come on now. If you ever live that long you're either a vampire or a wheezing husk. Gertrude, who you know is old based solely on her name, was born in 1898. You know what was invented in 1898? The world's worst candy next to black licorice and root beer bubble gum: candy corn. Also the remote control (really...?) as well as the vertical filing cabinet. She has had four children and all of them are dead except for her 93 year old son who is probably like “Shit. I gotta do this for another 20 years?!”

Her birthday isn't even really on the 4th of July but she is really old so fuck it, right? She lives in a nursing home now but her first trip was when she broke her hip at 104. For whatever reason when old people break their hips the show's over. I don't know what it is about hips but when your ass is 60 and over and your hips get wrecked its time to write a will. Just be like “Well, I had a good run.” Kinda like back in the day when if you sneezed your days were numbered.

"50 Shades Of Gary" Part 1 of 5

Click here for 50 Stripes Of Gray.

It felt like it had been years but in actuality it had been just weeks since Gary had sex. When you looked the way Gary did the idea if not having women clawing each others eyes out to be in bed with you the occurrence of weeks without sex seemed impossible. For someone like his roommate Delvin sex was something that happened every once in a great while and when it happened there was cause for celebration. Once, Gary burst into the bedroom after Delvin had sex with balloons and streamers. Gary did not get the reaction he'd expected.

“I wish someone would've thrown me a party after getting laid!” he shouted at Delvin while rubbing ice on his head.

The fact that Delvin had the chance to have sex with someone as hot as Dr. Basir was driving Gary insane. He knew that what he was doing was the ultimate form of cockblocking. After finding her address on the cover of a magazine in the waiting room while Delvin was getting the results from his weeks long poisonous penis predicament Gary now sat waiting for her to arrive home.

“Shit” Gary said aloud. “I have no idea what time she gets off of work.” For a moment Gary wondered if he should go and pick Delvin up. Then the moment passed and he began clipping his toenails in the car. “Gotta make sure I look good for Dr. Selka Basir aka Bang Ladesha. Bitches don't like long toe nails...”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 12

Click here for previous Rehab. 

I'm sitting on the floor just waiting to be able to move again when Google sits down next to me. He just looks at me, smiles, and hands me a juice box. He holds his up, we tap them together, and he starts sipping. I go to insert my straw and the damn thing breaks. I inhale deeply to release an anguished cry when he sticks another straw in my face. This guy is like an angel.

“Who are you?” I ask him. He just shrugs and continues to drink.

“No one special” he says, scratching his calf that is covered in long, curly hair. “I just like to know things.”

“Okay” I say. “Then can you tell me why Sad Sack kicked my ass?”

“Besides the fact that you accused him of rape?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it turns out that he lost a scholarship for the same accusation during his senior year of high school” Google says. I sigh. “Exactly. No way you could've known that, of course, which is why we all need to be mindful of what we say to others.” Google begins to stand and I grab his wrist.

“Don't leave just yet” I say. “You're the first person in ten minutes not to assault me.”

Barbershop Strip Club AKA Getting Some Trim With Your Trim

Derrick Price, 43, the owner of Super Fades was arrested for running a strip club out of his barber shop. And before you ask, yes, this happened in Florida. For months the Metropolitan Bureau of Investigation into this business before finally raiding it. Months? I got it. Bunch of pervy ass cops getting haircuts and lapdances before finally bringing the hammer down. Every Saturday night the place would transform into a somewhat shady looking barbershop into what had to be the least fun strip club ever. I haven't been in a barbershop since the 80's but I doubt much has changed about them. After getting my hair cut the first thing I wanted to do was wash all the hair off of my head, neck, and face. I've been cutting my own hair for years now and couldn't imagine trying to have some girl all up on me with my neck all itchy.

There was a pole even installed in the place which made me cock my eyebrow so fast that my glasses flew off. They say that investigators were able to but $20 worth of vodka early on a Sunday morning before realizing that one of the dancers was 17 years old. Uh-oh. That likely made some of the police who were enjoying the best gig they ever received pissed because after months they knew it was coming to an end.

Johnny Panic: That Time I Got Way Too High For Existence

There are a lot of things I'm not good at handling. Someone getting more attention than me, birds, and dirty pillowcases. I mean, honestly. How hard is it to wash a damned pillowcase?! That is one of the few things that separate us from the animals yet there are millions of people that wash them maybe once a year. If that. Oh, and another thing I'm not good at handling is drugs. Oh, you should see me when I'm on drugs. Well, you probably did. It was impossible to miss it. Shit was all over TV. I tried my best to not let anything crazy happen, but as the French say...whoops.

So I was hanging out with Toro and Zazz. Zazz as you know is my best friend and has problems with his food intake. Toro is this awesome ass guy I met years ago in Spain. He is a normal guy but is really strong. Not as strong as me because that's impossible but strong for a, like, person. He fights crime when he feels like it and bangs all kinda models because he can. One day while chilling in Australia, like we do, he told me about this crazy ass stuff that the native people smoked. Zazz, of course, said it was a bad idea.

“Remember when you smoked that pot Josh Hartnett gave you and flew to the South Pole looking for Santa Claus?” he asked. Of course I remembered.

“Of course I remember” I tell him. “There wasn't shit there let alone Santa. Another lie my mother told me…”

“Well” he continued “this stuff is supposed to make you have visions.”

“True” Toro said. “This stuff is muy powerful, Johnny. I'm not sure if you can handle it” he said with a smile. Son of a bitch knew that I hated challenges. Zazz sighed because he could see what Toro was doing. And I could see that Zazz could see what Toro was doing for me to see. I was being Inception'd!