Dante Bitches About Cosmo Men Articles

While chatting with someone who had posted an article from Cosmo featuring a “plus size” model I got to thinking about how much I hate Cosmo. I found an article titled 16 Things You Think He Cares About But Really Doesn't that is allegedly written by a guy. I say that because most of the articles done by this site and magazine seem to be geared towards women who already hate themselves and need that extra little push to go into full blown hating their bodies mode or actually have confidence and need it knocked down a little bit.

I found that this one actually had some things that are true so I will be fair in my responses while writing this. Kinda fair. Nothing is 100% fair. Not even 69's. Some people are just greedier than others, folks.

1. If you don't shave your legs every day. You might notice a bit of stubble coming in, but he sure as hell doesn't. You can let it go a couple days, a couple weeks, whatever. He's not going to notice, and even if he does, all he cares about is that your pants are off.

Or...you are wearing shorts. There are plenty of times a woman's legs are showing that involve her pants being across the room on a pile of clothes neither of you want to pick up because you're too busy getting bizzay. I have had chicks say “I haven't shaved...” as if that is some kind of deterrent. Please. Your legs could be on fire and I'll still want to touch them. If a guy complains because your legs haven't been shaved start complaining about his balls that look like a briar patch. If he doesn't know what a briar patch is kick him out the house. 

Stale Cinnabon Battle

Andrea Ann McCullough, 33, of South Carolina is in trouble. Before I get to her though let me just point out that Ohio and South Carolina are in competition for being the second craziest state in the country behind Florida. Around 7pm Andrea headed to a local Cinnabon and bought one of their delicious treats. She got her food and got mad telling someone on staff that it was stale. Fair enough. It happens. That's specifically why microwaves were created. It is being reported that she started yelling and then the employee said there was only one bun left started yelling back because that is a smart thing to do. Next thing you know Andrea is so pissed off that she says “I'm going to shoot down the place!” Employees told her they were gonna call the police and she left. Andrea was later arrested and charged with second-degree assault.

I seriously look at mugshots of people and think to myself “How can people let things escalate so fast?” I see people get snappy with cashiers knowing that in most cases it doesn't make anything better. I'm not known as a shouter. I mutter complaints about things. I started getting stale donuts from the place near me and stopped going there. No need to get into a fight over it and end up with my stupid face online because I got arrested. I haven't had a Cinnabon in years. Those buttery motherfuckers will melt in your mouth, man. Me and my brother Kevin would buy two each because we knew one would be gone before we reached his car. But I ain't gonna threaten anyone because one of them wasn't all that fresh. One of them donuts from Glazed? Okay, maybe then I would get into a fight.

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2014

Maxim released their Hot 100 2014 list and they managed to piss me off right from the start. I actually voted this time and I take this more seriously than presidential elections. Why? Because shut up. I just do. They allegedly take the votes from readers and come up with these results and pick a winner and just like the presidential elections I think its rigged. I have a pretty good grasp of pop culture so I am so damned confused when there are women on these lists that I never even knew existed let alone popular enough to make the top 100.

Coming it at 100 is Rebecca Garcia. Who in the blue hell is this woman?! There are a bunch of other women I've never heard of which already is making me nervous from the start. Some of the pictures they use for this don't help. They have Iggy Azalea at 96 which is total bullshit. I'm not a fan of her as a performer and that isn't what this list is about. But she is a damn fine looking woman. Is her ass fake? Likely. Do I care? Not at the moment.

Clueless reenactment for the win!

Poor Gal Godat who is supposed to be the next Wonder Woman can't catch a break. She is ranked 84 on this list. Seriously, as a producer of the movies that will star her I'd be really nervous. That she can't crack even the top 50 in any list. They have this wrestler named Eva Marie at 84 which is so many levels of bullshit. I don't care what anyone says, she is not the business. She looks puzzled or mean to mean in every picture I see. Gabrielle Union is 81 which means that every other woman on this list needs to look great because she is so the pants tightener. Holy shit. Tightener is a word!

What People Care About This Week: Elliot Rodgers

Back when I was younger me and my friend agreed that if we didn't get laid by the time we were 16 that we would kill ourselves. I mean, if we couldn't get laid then why the hell would we want to continue living? As you can tell I didn't kill myself even though I didn't lose my virginity until I was 17. Sex was that important. But now as a grown ass man I realize how stupid it is to put that much emphasis on sex. There is a line from the book Carrie that I've always remembered but can't recall who said it. I think it was the meanest chick. She was talking about boning her boyfriend and said it “seemed like a lot of rubbing or a little heat.” Someone should've explained this to Elliot Rodgers.

Or maybe not.

Maybe it wouldn't have made much of a difference. Some people are just fucked up and no matter what you say they're gonna go on and just ruin other people's lives because they aren't happy. Elliot was upset that at the age of 22 he was still a virgin. He made videos and wrote about the revenge that he was going to take against every woman that ever did him wrong. Nay! The world! Fucking maroon. He even wrote a 140 page story detailing his plan. This is gonna be long so feel free to grab a cup of tea and sit back as I attempt to figure out a lunatic.

"Pros & Cons"

I'm such a lousy shot. When all is said and done that's what it all boiled down to. The showdown at sundown. Mano y mano. In the fourteen years I've done this not once did I ever have to use my gun.

“Man, we'll make so much money from this we'll never have to do it again” Marsh, my partner, said. The red flag went up. But Marsh is my boy so I went along with it. But as soon as shit hit the fan Marsh was gone. No, wait. S soon as the pre-shit presented itself he took off. And there was no fantastic Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid shootout. Just a 78 year old rent-a-cop with an itchy trigger finger. Too bad he scratched his itch on me and not Marsh.

Too late to worry about that now. Too late for everything. I hear Marsh got away. Good for him.

Note: I found this story under my kitchen sink. I have hundreds of stories I wrote by hand on paper that I've never typed up and chances are they will stay in the box. I have boxes of stories, scripts, and drawings that aren't online.

Click here for other short stories.  

I Care When I Want

I was recently asked why I care so much about Hollywood gossip. I answered “Because its interesting to me.” Lots of things are. Food, comedy, and women wearing red draws all interest me. If a woman is funny, knows how to cook, and flashes me some red chances are I will break all my vows and marry her. But since that isn't happening allow me to continue. Besides gossip and stuff there are things that I actually do read about and have knowledge of that I just don't talk about with friends. Why? Most of it is just depressing as fuck to me.

Girls being raped and kidnapped in Africa, cars just blowing up because its cheaper to just let it happen and pay off folks than it is to recall them as soon as the issue is known, MERS, planes vanishing out the sky, Russia saying “Fuck rules!”, its all just too much and not fun. This doesn't mean that I don't know about things other than what Lindsay Lohan and her stupid face is up to. Like Pygmies of the Congo for instance. For well over a hundred years they have been getting fucked over in various ways. They were brought to America and around the world as parts of circuses back in the day. Till this day they are still hunted and used as food even though over a decade the U.N decided that this was not a cool thing to do. Despite getting help from former MMA fighter Justin Wren who they have named Efeosa (“the man who loves us”) this is still going on and worse. And we're helping make it worse.

Yeah. This is gonna be one of those posts.

Teacher Fired For Getting Dating Advice From 4th Graders

A substitute teacher in New York, Cassandre Fiering, has been fired after using her 4th grade students for dating advice. What seemed to really push it over the edge was reenacting scenarios with them. In PS 189 (I swear these NY school names are so strange) she wanted the kids advice with a guy that she had started dating. She allegedly asked the kids to toilet paper the guys house and touched the kids while role-playing. She said she kept things G-rated. “The kids were saying, 'Oh, we're your counselor.' They were excited to have me listen to their advice. They were saying all kinds of things, trying to help me because this guy was being a jerk to me.” Apparently there were only four students in class because the rest were on a field trip. Translation: the bad kids or the ones that forgot trip slips.

I have some experience with this. When I was in the 10th grade my geometry teacher at Fairfax was getting married. This was an older White lady who was dating an Arab guy. Me and this one other girl who looked way too much like the first girl I ever kissed knew that this whole situation was gonna be bad.

So one day she brings a bunch of fliers (this was the 90's, kids) advertising a garage sale. She was selling all her shit because she was going to be moving overseas with this guy. One day she brought one of them ninja looking gimmicks that Middle eastern women wear. “We can't show our face!” she said with so much joy. Mind you, this entire time we're not doing any work in class. 3rd period was listen to teacher talk about her love life.

Locking Kids In Cars While Getting Waxed

A 22 year old mother of two in Kentucky named Courtney Kippes was arrested for leaving her two kids (2 and 3 year olds) in an unlocked, hot car while she was busy getting her vajayjay waxed. There are so many things wrong with that sentence. Some business owners in the area called the police after hearing screams from the children in the car. When cops showed up the kids were hot and sweaty. While inside the place getting waxed the business owner asked her if she had kids and she said that she didn't. She should've been honest because he was probably trying to save her goofy ass. Either way, cops showed up and busted her.

Then while in her car they found a crushed pill and straw for snorting a little booger sugar. Her bond has been set at $500 because its a woman. Oh, shut up. You know its true. She has been charged with child endangerment and drug possession. She looks okay. Love the Batman tattoo, but why get two? You freak. When I was little my parents left us in the car all the time. It was the 80's. We were way more durable and afraid of our parents. Just look out the window at all the other hot, sweaty Black kids whose parents knew not to take them into Ralph's. One time they left us in the car and me and my brother were goofing around and hit the brake and the car started rolling back. I had to run into the store and find my parents. I think my father beat a few months off my lifespan that night but I learned to not fuck around in the car when I was locked in it.  

Scary New Happy Meal Mascot

McDonald's released their new mascot for their Happy Meals today and his name is Happy. This thing creeps me right the fuck out. I heard about this on a radio show and thought “It can't be as bad as they are making it sound.” I was wrong. This goddamn thing eats souls. How much money was used to figure out how to make a Happy Meal scary? How many hours went into it? Either far too many or not close to enough. This nightmare instigator was created in France back in 2009 and has been spreading its wave of fear across the globe and eventually settling in America. Its like Godzilla. It is also a part of McDonald's new effort to push their healthier kids meals which are meals that if I had gotten when I was growing up would've caused a lot of pouting. “So instead of fries, a burger, and soda I get milk, an apple, and chicken McNuggets? Horray!” no child ever shouted.

McDonald's is trying to defend all the criticism towards their new thing you need to check under the bed for. “Social media is a great place to have a conversation and express an opinion, but not all comments reflect the broader view.” It is someone's job to downplay the medium that they've used to push new shit. This nonsense is on the heels of a new Ronald McDonald as well as Burger King changing their slogan from “Have it your way” to the strange “Be your way.” What the fuck does that even mean?! That sounds like something an asshole would say to be passive aggressive. “You wanna hang out with your friends instead of me? Fine. Be your way.” Fast food is dicks. True statement written terribly. Look at that damned thing. If I opened my door and this was standing outside of it I would pee a little. 

Chocolate Bunny Arrested For Murder

18 year old Amber Ward who also goes by the name “Chocolate Bunny” Florida has been charged with the murder of 29 year old Isaac Grace. Yes. Murder most foul! She met him online through Backpage ads and they hooked up at a hotel room in Tallahassee hotel room where she shot the shit out of him and took his cell phone. She is known for being a prostitute which is a terrible thing to be known for because of previous arrests. Police ended up finding her goofy ass after tracing calls made from the phone back to where she was in Mobile, Alabama because science. They found bullet shell casings in her car that they think will match the ones found at the crime scene. I've never bought a hooker before but I like to think I could do better than ol' Chocolate Bunny here. I mean...come on. She looks like me in a wig. Actually I look better in a wig. Want proof? Click this.

I can't believe that this is an 18 year old. I have talked about plenty of times how I think prostitution should be legal. Maybe if it were there wouldn't be a need for this 18 year old...girl to be hooking up with folks in hotel rooms and shooting their faces off. I wonder how it escalated to murder. Did he not wanna pony up the cash or did she go there with the intentions of killing this guy? They say she had ads posting he services hundreds of miles from each other so there may be even more victims. Dudes are usually too embarrassed to report when a woman has fucked them up which is sad. You pull a gun on my ass, man or woman, I'm saying something. But then there's the whole “I was looking to get laid by a hooker” issue that's a part of it. Hard to tell the law that you were robbed while trying to get some strange. If this chick hadn't been dumb enough to use a phone she took from a man she murdered it would've been a win/win. For her. Not him. Because she killed him.  

Facebook Gets Drunk Arrested

Colleen Cudney, 22, of Michigan is on probation for drunk driving on St. Patrick's Day of 2012. After this past SPD she had to go in for a breathalyzer test and she passed it. Yay for her. But she couldn't leave it that because that's not how young folks roll. She had to let the world know of this achievement on her Facebook page and narc on herself at the same time. “Buzz killer for me, I had to breathalyze this morning and I drank yesterday but I passed thank god lol.” Yes. LOL indeed. God is good for allowing this to happen. Fuck the world's problems. He's gotta make sure your goofy ass pasts a drunk test. So the police found out about this because when you do dumb shit chances are cops are gonna be on your page. Also, chances are your page is wide open because people are stupid. She was contacted to come in for a piss test and hung up on them because that's how you avoid the law. Just hang up. You didn't know that? Crazy how simple it is. Its like when you get pulled over. Just stick your fingers in your ears and go “Lalalalalalalalala...” and they can't give you a ticket.

So she is due in court soon and could go to jail for just over three months. Could you imagine actually getting off scott free and outing yourself the way she did? She won if you want to call being a 22 year old on probation because you don't know how to drink responsibly and getting behind the wheel of a vehicle and having a criminal history and beating the system for a while. Why brag about it? If I had a friend that posted some dumb shit like this I'd call or message them and tell them to not be proud of being a jackass. Oh, and delete your status update! Did anyone congratulate her on accomplishing such a feat? For anyone thinking this is a waste of tax dollars and that there are far more dangerous people in the world, you may be a part of the problem. I've had family die because some idiot thought it was a good idea to get drunk and climb behind the wheel of a car. I say lock her up for three years. Why? Because I haven't eaten cereal yet and I'm in a mood.

Students Use Rat Poison On New York Teacher

A New York school is being occupied by a couple of shepherds for the devil! A 9 and 12 year old from PS 315 in Brooklyn, NY have been charged with reckless endangerment, criminal possession of a weapon, and attempted assault after it was discovered that they put rat poison in the 51 year old teachers drink. It is being said that the boys wanted to see what would happen if they gave this to their teacher who after having the drink went to the principal and then the hospital where she is recovering. The school was alerted to what made the teacher sick after another student reported seeing the students do this to their parent. The 9 year old is the one who supplied the poison. The Department of Education said “We are greatly relieved that the teacher is recovering and we continue to closely monitor this situation. Ensuring the safety of our entire schools community is our priority, and while this matter is still under investigation, we will take swift and appropriate action.” 

The biggest question I have so far is why is there a 12 year old kid in the damned 4th grade?! This is why I couldn't have kids or be left in charge of them for an extended amount of time. Because I would lose all of my shit on these kids as a parent, teacher, or law enforcement. As a parent I would be upset that I had raised such a dumb, evil child. “Maybe the kid is having a hard time at home” someone said. Almost everyone does! That is no excuse to poison your fucking teacher! As a cop I would be compelled to hit these kids with charges as an adult. “That's not reasonable!” you say. Sorry for not wanting to die by having kids poison me! As a teacher I would never trust kids again. I know that sounds horrible but its how I feel. No teacher should have to worry about having their own students putting poison in the shit. This isn't King Arthur times or Game Of Thrones where poison is used almost like a spice.  

Man Has Sex With ATM Machine

You ever have one of those nights where you're just walking down the street and you see an ATM machine that's just asking for it? You have? Freak! Social deviant! Lonnie Hutton, 49, of Tennessee was arrested at a bar around 9pm when he walked up to an ATM machine, pulled his pants down, and tried to fuck the damned thing. After that he started walking around the bar thrusting into the air. Then he ran out of fucks to give and started fucking a wooden picnic table after being placed outside the bar. This guy is a champion! Just look at this mess. Can you picture him walking around a bar with his pants around his ankles fucking everything inanimate? Night. Ruined. He was charged for public intoxication and is locked up on $250 bond which doesn't seem like all that much.

I bet this is what that ATM looked like to Lonnie. Each time I hear about a story like this I wish that they would print exactly what these people drink so I can make sure to avoid that magical concoction at every cost. If it was like “If you mix two whiskeys, vodka, half a beer, and a margarita you will fuck an ATM machine” I'd make sure to drink all of that except for the margarita. When you're in your 20's stories like this are common but as you get older and look back you realize what a moron you were. I think of the two times I got so drunk I had blackouts and wonder how I didn't end up fucking an ATM machine myself. I do recall seeing a gas pump that was giving me the eye that one time though. I'll fill you up, you saucy wench...  

Kids These Days 38

This past weekend when I was seeing Godzilla with my cousin we stopped off at the little cafe they have there and she got coffee and a cookie. She asked the cashier if the cookies tasted like cafeteria cookie and he just shrugged. When someone says “cafeteria cookie” I know exactly what they are talking about. There is a taste, texture, and smell that goes into one of these type of cookies that is just incredible. I started telling her about the one day at school when the cookies were “burned” so they were handing them out for free.

I took four and ran off with them hidden as if they were stolen. These cookies were a hot commodity! I felt like that Black lady in that episode of The Chappelle Show when Black people got reparations and she said to the newscaster “Hide ya money, ya'll! There's poor people around! With ya broke ass!” because this was not a school occupied by rich children. These cookies cost a quarter and quarters were a big deal when I was little.

Oh, so many cookies could be bought...

Teachers Gone Wild

Female teachers have lost all their shits. In Oklahoma Kalyn Thompson, 25, who was teaching at Kellyville High School resigned after she found out that an investigation was being launched when it was discovered that she was sleeping with a 18 year old student. The age of consent in Oklahoma is 16 but when it is between teachers and students they must wait until the student is 21 before they can bone. That goes for current or former which makes me wonder how many 21 year old folks are still in high school. She also changed his grades after they started sleeping together. She admitted to school officials that that they talked about sex, sent texts that were inappropriate. She was charged with second degree rape and was bailed out on $35,000 bond. Parents and teachers are shocked that this happened. Surely some teachers are upset that she picked this student over them. By the way, any teachers reading this: stop fucking the staff. We can speculate if a teacher is sleeping with a student but we know when you are having sex with each other.

In another story former substitute teacher Tanikka Queen of Las Vegas who is 22 was outed by another student for sleeping with a 15 year old 8th grader. Wait. 15 in the 8th grade? I was 13 in the 8th grade. Huh. A female student whose mother was friends with Queen found texts on her phone talking about the affair. The boys father saw a hickey on his sons neck and was suspicious instead of proud like he should've been! At first she said she didn't sleep with the boy and that she was helping him since he was repeating the 8th grade for the third time. Wow. That explains that. School district police ended up finding 2,400 text messages, 38 pictures, and 108 calls between the two that started around Valentine's Day. “Remember no matter how I act at school I still love you with all my heart” she said in one text. She admitted to cops that she was sending too much time with the boy and slept with him while she was house sitting for a friend. Her bail was reduced to $50,000 and a judge placed her on house arrest and that she couldnot contact anyone under the age of 18 and that she could not use the internet. “Awwww you're making me blush. Why do you have to be young? Lol I wanna tell the world. When you turn 16?” Oh, Queen. Stop it.