Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2014

Maxim released their Hot 100 2014 list and they managed to piss me off right from the start. I actually voted this time and I take this more seriously than presidential elections. Why? Because shut up. I just do. They allegedly take the votes from readers and come up with these results and pick a winner and just like the presidential elections I think its rigged. I have a pretty good grasp of pop culture so I am so damned confused when there are women on these lists that I never even knew existed let alone popular enough to make the top 100.

Coming it at 100 is Rebecca Garcia. Who in the blue hell is this woman?! There are a bunch of other women I've never heard of which already is making me nervous from the start. Some of the pictures they use for this don't help. They have Iggy Azalea at 96 which is total bullshit. I'm not a fan of her as a performer and that isn't what this list is about. But she is a damn fine looking woman. Is her ass fake? Likely. Do I care? Not at the moment.

Clueless reenactment for the win!

Poor Gal Godat who is supposed to be the next Wonder Woman can't catch a break. She is ranked 84 on this list. Seriously, as a producer of the movies that will star her I'd be really nervous. That she can't crack even the top 50 in any list. They have this wrestler named Eva Marie at 84 which is so many levels of bullshit. I don't care what anyone says, she is not the business. She looks puzzled or mean to mean in every picture I see. Gabrielle Union is 81 which means that every other woman on this list needs to look great because she is so the pants tightener. Holy shit. Tightener is a word!

Anna Paquin is 78 and I wonder how she keeps on making these lists. Even the show she is on, Trueblood, isn't watched by anyone anymore. There are a lot more women that I have never heard of or have names that I can't pronounce. This is a case of Maxim just adding women who came to their studios or whatnot and took pictures for them. Poor Rita Ora is ranked 73 which makes close to no sense at all. This girl is really cute and I'm gonna keep bitching until she is in the top 10! I doubt we'd have more than three words to say to each other but I want her in my pocket.

Kerry Washington comes in at 65 with her lips that bother me. I know, I know. Everyone thinks she's beautiful but this is my complaint blog so I'm gonna keep saying that I don't like her. Amber Heard is on here as well as Summer Glau which surprises me since I haven't seen or heard anything in a while. Danielle Fishel is ranked 69 which is awesome and surprising. She was Topanga on Boy Meets World and will be on Girl Meets World. I had a crush on her growing up and she grew up into a hot chick.

MMA fighter Miesha Tate made the list. I'm done. Anyhoot, they added Jordana Brewster to the list. I am sure a lot of people know her name but have never seen a single film that she's been in. They have Sofia Vergara at 54 which is wrong. If you think she deserves to be more than halfway on this list you're just being a silly person. Out of anyone on this list she seems like the most fun to be around. She just happens to be attractive.

Very attractive.

At 48 is Paula Patton aka that woman that her husband won't stop singing about and begging to get back because he fucked around on her. She's pretty but in interviews she always sounds like her meds just kicked in. Kendall Jenner is here because she's 18 now and people are pervbots. She looks exactly the way she did at 17 but since she is legal in most states everyone is all excited about seeing her pose half naked. Avril Lavigne is on this list for no reason at all. UFC champion Ronda Rousey is who I cast my vote for multiple times is 42 and should be in the top 10. She's dangerous, funny, and pretty. There are a couple of women in my personal life that I would use as a template if I was creating great things about ladies in a dash. She is one I don't know but would use.

39 through 30 is as if they copy and pasted a bunch of women from the 1990's. They have Gina Carano who doesn't even fight anymore and does movies no one sees. Shakira is tossed in her for reasons I can't comprehend right now. Alyssa Milano, while hot, should not be at 34. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Leah Michelle are also in this part of the list which confuses me. They also have Jennifer Lopez which bugs me so I'm gonna use a picture of her from when she was way hotter to me.

They have Vanessa Hudgens, Emma Stone who I'm no longer a fan of, and Hayden Panettiere next. Miley Cyrus is at 25 which while not good because that is still too high up makes me happy that now I know she isn't in the top 10. Wasn't she number 1 last year? Charlize Theron is number 24 and while that is silly its acceptable right now. Beyonce at 21 is a crime that needs to be reported. Where am the polices?!  

Now we're in top 20-ville. This list needs to brings it A game now. Oh. Nope. Selena Gomez? Who the hell is Samantha Hoopes? Laura Vandervoort? What is happening?! Christina Aguilera, Brooklyn Decker, Olivia Wilde? Eva Longoria?! How in the...? Am I in The Matrix? Yeah. That's gotta be it. That has to be the explanation for this. Kate Upton came in at 12 while Rihanna is number 11.

Still not doing it for me.

This is where trouble starts because folks are mad that no Black women made the top 10. Lupita Nyong'o gets no love in the top 10?! I'm not even all that upset about it because we're all just different colored meatbags. But these last ones are just random. Katy Perry? Mila Kunis? Seriously? What is an Irina Shayk? Jessica Alba? I am convinced that this list is from ten years ago now. Zooey Deschanel who always creeps me out, Alessandra Ambrosio, and Jennifer Lawrence who thankfully is not number 1 especially after her terrible ass performance in X-Men: Days Of The Future Past. Scarlett Johansson is number 2 and I am fine with that.

So fine...

Now for the woman named number 1. I guarantee you that you have no idea who this chick is. I have never heard of of and after looking her up I know why. Its because Victoria's Secret models are what skeevy guys are into. Here is Candice Swanepoel.

Who?!?!

Did she really get so many votes that she is number 1 on this list? She is a South African model that I know from nothing. Nothing! She is just a thin blond chick. To me there is nothing about her that makes me go “Whoa...” She's just...there. As for anyone saying “Dante, if she wanted to do something with you I know you would!” you'd be wrong. She isn't ugly by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just not interested and don't think she should be ranked at the top of this list. Maxim list, you get nothing! Good day, sir!

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