Saturday, May 3, 2014

Dante Bitches About FHM 100 Sexiest Women In The World 2014


Every time one of these hot lists comes out I am actually prepared to be upset. It is a knee jerk reaction that I have to these things because no doubt I will be upset. I actually have not checked who is number one since it has been broken down page by page to increase page views because magazine sites are whores! This is the FHM Sexiest Women In The World 2014. Already I am questioning the choice of Gal Gadot as the next Wonder Woman seeing as how she is ranked 97 on this thing. 97 out of 100? That ain't even close to okay. I mean, I don't thinks she is anything special but having her that low is not a good sign.

Derp.

Sandra Bullock and Shakira are also ranked between 100 and 81. I think the fact Shakira had a kid knocked her down on the list. Hey. I didn't make the rules. The rest are a bunch of random White chicks that are too thin or too whatever for me to even bother listing or complaining about. Miley Cyrus is ranked at 79 so I am having some faith in this list. It stinks that she is even on it but 79 is a good number for her. Its my birth year. Sarah Hyland from Modern Family is on this list which is just creepy since she looks like she is in junior high. If you know a grown man that finds this girl (she is 23) hot you need to do some background checking. Dude may be a pedo.

Stranger danger!

Christina Hendricks at 68 is bullshit. That woman needs to be in the top ten anytime. Nathalie Emmanuel is number 76 and I didn't even know this chicks name. She is the one with the hair I love from Game Of Thrones. This is a disappointing list. I know a lot about celebrities and shit but many of these chicks were hot in TV/movies/videos for a minute and vanished. I know these names but if they were walking down the street I wouldn't have to adjust my pants. They are pretty and stuff but...meh.

All day up in her hair!

Between 60 and 41 we have Britney Spears and Pippa Middleton. I still don't get the Pippa mania that was going on. Depending on the angle she is shot at she can go from “Okay” to “Er...” Selena Gomez is on this list and she is another that looks like a child to me. Not just because she can fit in my pocket but because she actually looks like a child. Wait. SofiaVergara is ranked 52? 52?! Okay. The top ten on this list better just make my pants blow right off my body because Sofia is fucking hot! They ranked Amanda Seyfried higher than Sofia which is just...no. Not never.

This picture makes me smile.

Kate Moss ranked one higher than Meagan Good which made my eyebrows go up so fast it knocked my glasses off. What is this? 1992?! There is no way in hell that Moss at any point in her life was ever hotter than Good. Now I am getting nervous. This list is shakier than me in church.

Something else is about to shake...

We are now at 40 through 21. Shit is getting real now. Kim Kardashian is at 38. I seriously forgot about her being on lists like these. I'm a Khloe man myself. Don't judge me. Jennifer Aniston is 36. Ha! Ha, I say! No fucking way she is hotter than any of the people I have listed. Zooey Deschanel managed to weasel her way onto this list somehow. There's Taylor Swift because people like seeing me angry. I don't know who Kelly Brook is but I'll be doing some “research” on her later. Rita Ora is listed and she makes me feel pervy because while she is hot she looks way young. She makes me feel my age even though I never feel my age. I like her because she looks like she would do things to shame her ancestors.

Maybe she'd help me into my Rascal.

20 to 11. We're deep in it now. Can you feel the tension? You can't? Feel lower. No. Lower. Emma Stone is number 20 which I am actually fine with right now. That is mostly because I'm still mad at that horrible Spiderman movie. Kate Upton is at 18 because she started using her voice and men didn't like that. Katy Perry and Emilia Clarke from Game Of Thrones rounds off this section of the list. This Helen Flanagan is someone I have never heard of but she is ranked at 14. I can see two reasons why.

Undercleave. An often overlooked joy.

We are now in the top ten. Oh, shit! It is time to see who will be voted number one. Scarlett Johansson is number 10. Wow. The next nine women need to be just made of light. I just realized that there are a few women that shouldn't be in this top ten that weren't listed yet and if they are ranked higher than Scarlett I am gonna be pissed. Looking at you, Rihanna! Okay. The chick from the Pussycat Dolls. Whatevs. Next! Number 8 is Lucy Mecklenburgh. Who the fuck is this?! I honestly have no idea who this is. I am guessing this is the British FHM. Beyonce is up next. I have no problem with this. Mila Kunis is up next. Uh...okay. I guess. She has lost her luster to me.

Shazam!

Kaley Cuoco from The Big Bang Theory is number 5. She is cute but not hot to me. She's pretty. Why am I defending myself? This is my fucking blog. Emily Ratajkowski from that fucking “Blurred Lines” video is number 4. You have got to be kidding me. I can't. I just can't. Damn it, Rihanna is number 3! I just growled. I hate that she makes it so high on lists every year. I know, I know. Lots of men and especially women love her. I mean, what girl wouldn't admire a chick that went back to the guy that kicked her ass, can't hit a note with a baseball bat, and has the same body shape as Wile E. Coyote. Number 2 is Michelle Keegan. I have no idea who this woman is. None. She is pretty and looks good in her draws, but so do I. Won't see me winning number 2. Now it is time for number 1 and the winner is...

God...damn it!!!

Okay. I have confirmed that this is the British FHM. I don't know why but that makes me feel better about the fact that Jennifer Lawrence came in at the top spot. If you put a gun to my head and made me choose the one hundred sexiest women in the world I honestly doubt that she would cross my mind. I would be thinking of Six from Blossom or friggin' Mrs. Huxtable. Not Katniss fucking Everdeen. You know what pisses me off the most? I forgot about her. I thought about Rihanna, Lupita Nyong'o because she won the People Magazine list, or even some random ass reality show chick. But not Jennifer “Ugly Cry” Lawrence. I'm gonna go drink Gatorade and stick my dick in a fan.

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