Thursday, September 25, 2014

Things I Don't Wanna Hear Anymore

I talk a lot. I also listen a lot. But there are times when I wish I could grab someone and just shake the shit out of them because of the things that they say. I thought of a few things that I am tired of hearing, and reading, and made this handy dandy list. Thankfully people that I talk to on a regular basis don't really say these things to me. Otherwise I'd triangle choke them. If you don't know what that is then I'll show you next time we hang out.

“You Don't Know What You're Missing”

Yes, I do. What you're offering. I always know what I'm missing. There is a whole process that goes on when an offer is made to me that leads to me using my mouthparts to express my opinion. In every instance that I decided to not do something that I was told I would be missing I've never gone “Well, goddamn it! I should've went!” I tend to go “It sounds like you had fun. That's cool.” I always know what I'm missing.

Now, it would be different if I missed an event and someone said “This big legged chick in a plaid skirt was looking for a 6'1” Black guy with no hopes and dreams to give a blowjob to!” Then I'd be pissed. I'd be downright ornery. But that doesn't happen. I hear that someone got drunk, puked, passed out, tried to walk into the bushes, and wasn't heard from for a full day. And that was me!


It never fails. I'll go on a friends Facebook page and in the middle of a thread some asshole will step into the conversation, say “Karma!”, drop the mike, and leave. That is usually my cue to block that person or step out of the thread. I hate people bringing up karma as a means to deal with someone that has done something bad. You know what karma is? Do you?!

“Hinduism and Buddhism: the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.” So either these people think that folks that have done wrong will be paying for what they are doing in a future life (which means you believe in reincarnation) or they think that karma is a physical thing that dishes out justice because you're upset that someone is shitty or got away with a crime. Karma is not Batman, you weirdo.

“You May Not Like It”

Thanks for the warning! When you preface something with that statement it tells me that A) you have no faith in my ability to try new things or B) you're challenging me. I hate being challenged. If I am challenged I'll just go home. If I am dared that's something different. Telling me I won't like something before you've given me the opportunity to give it a shot just gives me an out. “You're right. I won't.”

I'm someone that if I know you don't like something I'm not gonna offer it to you. And I'm stingy with things I like. Fuck you, more for me. I love eating with people that don't eat pork. All the ham and bacons belong to me! I've had friends offer me fruits and vegetables that I've never had before. If they offer I'll either eat it or I won't. But telling me I may not like it? Fastest way for you to have more for yourself.

“I Shouldn't Do This”

Yes, you should. The fact that you are even thinking that you shouldn't means that you are thinking about doing it and you're just waiting for me to push you into doing it. And I will. I shit you not, if you aren't supposed to be doing something and you are around me and the means to do that thing are available it is my mission to make sure you do that thing. Know why?

Because its fun!

Chances are that the thing you are depriving yourself from, though it may be unhealthy, is gonna make you more fun to be around. You're not gonna live forever. Like the bible says: just do it. You can complain about how you shouldn't have done it later on but for now just fucking enjoy yourself. I know that sounds destructive and guess what? It is. My plan is to run this body into the ground. I don't wanna die with abs and muscle tone. I want to be dug up thousands of years from now and have them go “What the fuck did this use to be?!”

“Did You Find That On The Internet?”

Yes! Same as you. This is one of the worst things someone can say but it makes me laugh. This isn't like in the 80's where if you wanted to learn the answer to something you had to ask someone that was alive longer than you. Now you can type in any question, any question, and get the answer.

If you get into a discussion online and give an opinion of your own that disagrees with someone they will ask you for evidence. You get a professional response from the internet that proves them wrong and they'll get mad and ask if you got it from the internet.

Fuck you! Yes, I get answers from the internet. You know who gets mad at people who use the internet for answers? Losers. They don't want to admit that they don't realistically know the percentages of how much water vapor is in the sky causing koala herpes. They sure as hell don't know real scientists. They check the internet just like you do because that is what we do. We check the internet, maybe a site or three, and we fact check. If we're responsible.  

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