Pick Me, Teacher!!!

I'm a fucking man-child. I am totally aware of this. I want as few responsibilities as possible, hate having to adult, and possess a very vivid memory particularly when it comes to the past and the opposite sex. In school I didn't have many attractive teachers. I don't even need one hand to count them all. I could have those honked up lobster hands and still have a digit left. I say all of this to defend my upcoming thoughts regarding this story of a 28 year old teacher named Haeli Wey from a high school in Texas called Westlake that had the sex with a couple of male students from her school. If you already have your comments regarding how terrible a teacher sleeping with a student is you can save it. I've done dozens of blogs like this one and am tired of defending my penis.

Now, from the jump this story is all kinds of wrong. Wey was on a trip with one of the boys family in Africa. For real. How about wondering why a teacher is going on a trip with the family of one of her students? The dad had to know something was up. One of the boys, I refuse to say victim, met her at a student ministry program and...wait. What? Red flag number one! In case you don't know, most religious based school programs are for hooking up. Later that summer their relationship became more physical on the trip to Africa. The muthafuckin' cradle of civilization! 

Kids These Days 62

I hate the youth of this world. I don't even care of it makes me sound like an old man. Its true. Bunch of idiots that are going to make sure the future is as terrifying as possible. I found out about this thing called the Condom Challenge. No, its not that thing where I get laid once every two years and have to race to find a condom in my apartment. 

It started off with snorting a condom and pulling it out through your throat. I didn't know that this was the original way to do this. There is no real reason anyone should be doing this. Ever. Unless you just like the idea of video of you sticking a greasy ass condom up your nose and yanking out through your throat. Which you shouldn't. I'm sick of people thinking that doing something like this is a challenge. I would imagine that tying your shoes or crossing the street safely is a challenge for kids that think this stuff is a good idea. Its hard enough doing the Black Guy With No Criminal Record Challenge let alone dying with a condom lodged in my throat.

Dante Vs. Nature 59

If there's one thing nature loves more than making humanity change the color of their pants its coming up with weird ass new creatures. There were these two new spiders discovered because if there's one thing I always say its that we do not have enough goddamn spiders on this planet.

This first one is called a Sparklemuffin. I'm not kidding. That's its name. Some college student that helped discover it named it that because they ran out of Pokemon names I guess. They are jumping spiders which are common and those kind that you try and catch thinking its gonna run away and it ends up jumping and making girls and men that thought they were not afraid of spiders yelp.

Castaway Accused Of Making Manwich Out Of Man

This dude from Salvador that survived for 438 days at sea is in deep trouble thanks to the family of the guy that he was with that is dead. 37 year old Jose Salvador Alvarenga and this 22 year old guy named Ezequiel Córdoba that was paid $50 set out to sea and shit got real when the small fishing boat got caught up in a storm and ended up over 6,000 miles away from where they were supposed to be. Alvarenga ended up writing a book about surviving this whole thing and the death of Córdoba.

Alvarenga says that he ate his own fingernails to survive and that his partner had trouble handling the situation. Gee. Ya think? He says he also ate raw fish, turtle blood, and his own piss. His friend died after a few months at sea and made Alvarenga promise not to eat his body and to tell his mother what had occurred. Córdoba's mother thinks that Alvarenga ate her son to survive an wants a million bucks from him. He says he talked to the dead body for almost a week before washing his feet, taking his clothes, and then slipping him into the ocean.

Alvarenga said in an interview “Not for one second did I think of eating Ezequiel. I wouldn't have done it, even if it meant that I starved. It would have been on my conscience forever.” His lawyer thinks the dead dudes family just wants some money. Well, I can understand that. And chances are her did make a Manwich out of their son. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. I don't think I could eat someone I knew. But I probably would.  

Kids These Days 61

There are some things that I had to do as a kid in school that I'm not sure is allowed or legal anymore. Not just because kids are more likely to talk about their feelings and have their parents actually give a damn. But mostly because I'm pretty sure some of this stuff was mentally and physically bad for you. Here are a few that I thought of.

Clapping Erasers. This was a total bullshit punishment that I had to do quite a few times in the 2nd grade. My teacher Miss Webb (the one with the melted fingertips that I've mentioned in the past) hated me and made it no secret. She would make me go to this small balcony area outside of the classroom and clap together two erasers from the chalkboard. It would create this terrible cloud of chalk and you'd look like you were in an orgy with three Pillsbury Doughboys. 

When other kids would pass by they knew that I'd done something to piss a teacher off if I was clapping erasers together. I'm not even sure if schools still use these and not dry erase boards. Do they? If they do I doubt any teacher is getting away with making kids these this anymore. This is so rare now that I couldn't even find a decent picture of it happening!

Five Things I Learned Doing A Lot Of Stuff

My friend Josh sent me a Cracked article that didn't make me feel bad or annoyed with the writing on that site in general. By the way I know that they are always looking for writers and that I can contribute to their site if I win the chance. I have sent a few things in years ago and never got anything published. Also, I just don't need it to happen. I have thirteen blogs with thousands and thousands of things that I have written about. I am close to 2,000 posts on this site alone.

When you do a lot of different things people that don't (or some that do a bit of them) will have things they want to tell you. In this Five Things I Learned Doing A Lot Of Stuff I'm going to try to not sound too bitter. I'll likely fail because I know how I am when it comes to this kinda thing. Having hobbies or skills that others think they can cash in on makes for strange relationships and every few years I pick something up and get told “You can get paid for that.” I know this. I don't care. This is why. Oh, and anything colored is a link to something I do or am talking about.

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 3 of 3

Click here for previous Check Your Privilege.

“I mean, honestly, who really cares about Johnny Panic anymore? Yeah, about ten years ago when he was a cute teenager flying through the air kicking tanks and saving old ladies as they crossed the street while an 18-wheeler barreled towards them we cheered him on but today he shtick is played. Yeah, he's rich. Yeah, he's hot. But I'm sick of seeing his face. I'm not the only one right?”

“Who is this ass-rascal?” I ask Ronica. We're sitting on the couch watching this chick talk mad shit about me. And the audience is applauding. Applauding, I say!

“Her name's Aphrodite Malone” she tells me. “She used to be a big time blogger, still is sometimes, but about a month ago they gave her a talk show.”

“Why?”

“People think she is funny” Ronica says. “I've read a few of her posts. I don't find her funny at all. She just complains about everything and other bitchy people cheer her on. Like now.”

Dante Rants About The San Bernardino Shooting

I have trouble relating to people emotionally. I know that it can be considered bad but it helps me get through this crazy ass world. For those that don't know, years ago I worked at one of the largest hospitals on the West coast. My job title, patient escort, meant that I had to move supplies, samples, and people around the hospital. This mean living or dead people.

Yes. I moved dead bodies.

While working there for a cool $10.25 an hour I got to witness a lot of tragedy on an almost daily basis. A good day was maybe taking only two cancer patients to get chemo or taking someone to their car with their family as they were discharged. A bad day are days that are burned into my mind for the rest of my life. I had to talk to more family members than I can remember while their family member was being wrapped up for me to take away on a gurney. Some were okay while some cried their eyes out to me while thinking “I hope I am making them feel better.” And I did. Lots of patients while leaving thanked me for being so nice or just talking to them like a normal person.

Most times people just need an outlet of some sort. Hopefully a healthy one that doesn't involve liquor, getting high, or violence. This brings me to the reason I even started this ramble fest. Today at the Inland Regional Center in San Bernardino there was a shooting. They call it a mass shooting. The facility describes itself as “an agency among agencies, Inland Regional Center coordinates with generic services to normalize the lives of people with developmental disabilities and their families by working to include them in the everyday routines and life rhythms of the community and by facilitating needed supports for them.”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 5

Click here for previous season 2 Rehab.

The night goes by pretty uneventfully. I half hoped and was half afraid that Saucy was going to touch me in my sleep but he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman. I don't see what his wife's problem is. She got three kids out of him. Let him touch some dick. He's obviously given it to her in the past. But whatever. That's their problem. It is now morning time and I'm gonna do some physical activities with the women! Saucy is up before me and doing stretches. I try to bend and touch my toes and my back sounds like someone stepped on a bag of chips.

“Good God, boy!” Saucy says. “You need to get that checked out.”

“I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?” I ask him. “Wait. That didn't make sense, did it?” Someone taps on the door once and enters.

“You have three minutes” Mr. W. Scott says and closes the door. He sticks his head back in for a moment and checks off his clipboard then leaves again.

“That man is a living Harry Potter villain” Saucy says. “How are you holding up, kid?”

“I'll let you know as soon as the room stops moving” I tell him. Someone knocks at the door again. “The fuck is this? A sitcom?”

Grown Ass Man Tips: Learn To Cook

Today is Thanksgiving and there are a lot of grown ass men out there that are mad that their family or lady took too long to get ready to leave and get some food or upset she took too long to make it herself. Hey. Learn to cook. Yeah, I know a lot of us grew up with our mothers making the majority of meals that did not involve a grill. But times have changed. Lots of chicks aren't into that shit and some even see it as a throwback to a time when women were seen as less than men. But fuck all that. Learn to cook for yourself. 

You're a grown ass man and need to learn how to feed yourself in a way that doesn't involve picking a meal based on a number or waiting for someone else to shovel food into your stinkhole. Today I made an entire meal for Thanksgiving that had ham, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, cake, and stuffing. Took lots of mistakes to get it perfect but I have and I was very proud of myself. You can be too. Its not like you need to master fifty dishes. Just get good at about five and work from there. Or...you can continue to be a giant man-bitch that doesn't know how to feed himself.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.  

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 2 of 3

Click here for part 1.

About ten minutes after we left that photography place and Zazz continued to lie about never taking dick pics Ronica called to let me know about an accident on the 10 freeway. I wasn't doing anything but quietly judging my best friend so I decided to head over and help. I got there and kinda made the situation worse.

The scene of an accident is already full of chaos. Having the world's only superhero show up to help doesn't...help. People tend to stare and take pictures instead of handling business. I land next to a car that is smoking and gonna blow up any second and half on top of this lady. I go to snatch it up and an EMT screams at me.

“Panic, stop!”

“How come why?”

“Her legs are underneath! Suddenly moving the pressure can make it worse!”

“That doesn't make any sense.”

“This is my job! I know what I'm talking about!”

“So...I should leave?”

“Put out the goddamn fire and let us do our job! Please?”

Dante Bitches About Glamour Magazine Women Of The Year Complaints

Some people use their anger or hatred like a shotgun. They will be mad at one thing and end up buck-shooting something that was a little bit too close. I'm more of a sniper with mine. I focus, aim, and go after one topic. Glamour magazine released their Women Of The Year for 2015 and people have been losing their shit for a multitude of reasons because of this. Some because they hate transgenders. Some because they hate anything Jenner/Kardashian related. Some because they do not believe that Caitlyn Jenner should be included in the category of Woman Of The Year.

Don't get it twisted. This isn't Time magazine. It's fucking Glamour. I won't say it doesn't matter because it is a fashion magazine or whatnot but I get upset when they make Batman's cape too short but I will say...it doesn't matter. One writer who wrote a post that was full of all the anger said “By choosing Jenner as woman of the year, Glamour endorses the idea that men are better at being women than we are.” She also mentioned ovulating and having four daughters who I hope do not inherit her anger. She also pointed out the example of “Martine Rothblatt, a transgender woman, graced the cover of New York Magazine as highest-paid female CEO in the nation. Apparently real women can't cut it, so we've got to import men into our ranks to win awards.”

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 1 of 3

“Now just a little to the left...perfect!”

Another day.

“Okay, now smile...that's...okay...great!”

Another photo shoot.

“Give me a little flight, Johnny! Just a...oh, good god!”

This guy loves his job too much.

“And...we're done! Thank you so much!”

I'd love my job too if I had the pleasure of taking pictures of me for the day. Sometimes I take dick pics for the hell of it. I'll send them to Ronica even though she is laying right next to me. She will sigh and the next thing you know I'm flying to another state to grab her something she likes. Its a bartering system and the key to a happy relationship. When women are full of food they like they can't protest the sex. I read that somewhere.

My bestfriend Zazz is off to the side texting while we're in this studio. Probably his wife. Nerd. I bet he has never sent his wife a dick pic. He's not that type of guy. He's the type to send a selfie while at a restaurant or of the food he is eating. I'll never understand how he got a chick like Aimee. Its on some Billy Bob/Jolie level shit.

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2015

People Magazine has released their Sexiest Man Alive nonsense and of course I'm not happy with it. 40 year old David Beckham won which is bullshit because his first name is not Ryan and his last name is not Gosling. He pulled the humble shit that people that win this type of award tend to when he was told that he had received this. “It's a huge honor. And I'm very pleased to accept.” As if he would say “Nah. I'm good.”

“I never feel that I'm an attractive, sexy person. I mean I like to wear nice clothes and nice suits and look and feel good, but I don't ever think of myself that way.” Shut up your lying liar that lies! To me Beckham is a guy that played soccer, or professional kickball to the rest of the world, and then married a Spice Girl. Not even the hottest one either. Its Scary Spice in case you're wondering. Fuck, that woman is hot. Anyhoot, I used to see his mug on all the British tabloids when I worked at the porn shop and thought “Fuck this guy. He's throwing off the curve.” Then I heard him talk and felt better.

Dante Vs. Nature 58

This guy named Paul O'Leary learned what I have known for years: the ocean is natures dinner plate. While swimming at a new beach in Hawaii he was bitten by a damned shark. He thought he had hit something sharp until he saw a part of himself hanging off. This is the part where I would change the color of the water. He started doing a backstroke while calling out for help. Another nude swimmer spotted him and helped him to shore.

When he was pulled ashore all O'Leary was worried about was the fact that he was butt booty ass naked while people arrived to help him. “There's about five people putting pressure on the cut and I told them I wanted to get my clothes on. So we got them and we kind of put it on.” The shark severed nerves and tendons in his leg and he got 50 stitches. “If you've never gone swimming nude, you gotta try it. You feel very free...there's very little resistance.” Nah. I'm good.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.