Sunday, January 18, 2015

Be Your Own Best Friend

If the world's population was even 30% like me things would change. Not for the better mostly because the population would drop drastically from the lack of the sex happening. But also because no one would strive to do things to impress people. I do not say this in a “I'm too cool to give a damn about what you all think about me!” I'm just too preoccupied with keeping myself entertained to make an attempt to wow anyone else.

A lot of things are done to make people look at them and go “That is inspirational.” I just kinda do a lot of shit, present it, and go back into my cave and wonder why I do anything that I do. I have personally made over 600 podcasts containing skits, shows, and music. I played two characters on a popular internet based wrestling radio show. I created over 80 episodes of my own series which I have on DVD. I make Perler bead art that I've given as gifts or tossed in the closet. I paint when I feel like it. I draw well enough. I have written thousands of stories. I have ten blogs with each containing a different topic. I spend hours talking on the phone every day. I have helped friends edit novels and got a few people through college. I recently started learning how to manipulate photos and sculpting. I do a lot of shit.

Now leave me alone.

I don't do any of these things because they make me happy. Reading makes me happy. The stuff I do is done because I get bitchy if I can't do them. I've never wanted to inspire anyone and when I do it tends to be when they tell someone “No.” That is my legacy.

I like being by myself but my friends want me to get out there and meet new people or get a girlfriend. The funny thing is that if I did things the way others wanted me to I'd be broke as hell and probably living with my parents. I would have had a kid...or four. A car I can't pay for. Bills. So many bills.

A lot of what bothers me is that I don't want my friends to change. Do what makes you happy. I'll even help you make some bad decisions sometimes. People say they like me but everyone wants to change me. They want to have the parts of me that talk to them, loan them money, or listen to them but they also want a Dante that travels, fucks, and eats more vegetables. I don't wanna travel, fucking is better in my head than real life now, and I do eat more vegetables than I used to. Sorta.

I stopped making New Years resolutions for a long time. Over a decade. It was just a weird way to set myself up for later disappointment. But this year I made a couple. One was to use the punching bag that I bought which I have been doing. I have lost some weight and my arms are now my second best feature. The second resolution was to be less helpful. Being less helpful is actually harder than I thought it'd be.

When people write something on Facebook about a problem regarding shit I don't even know I can find answers. Its the way my brain works. I will learn something new in a few minutes to be able to help out. I think this has become so common amongst some that I don't even get a thank you. I get asked to do even more. Fuck that. Less helpful. I am fully aware of how this sounds but people are driving me crazy. There are too many people that are more concerned with trying to make everyone around them feel better than themselves and wondering why they are stuck in the same shitty situation.

I need to work from the inside out. Let me shine bright and others can bask in my glow. I'm trying to be my own best friend. I like me okay. I'm good at keeping myself in a fairly alright mood. But I know I can do better and be a better friend to myself. Next month I am finally doing the isolation tank. I found a location that I didn't know existed and scheduled an appointment. I have had people ask if I am scared of being in the tank. How often the tank is cleaned. How much it costs. If any of these questions were keeping me from doing this then I'd know that I was comfortable being the weird piece of shit that I currently am. And I'm not. I know that I'm not right and want to see what I can do to get better. I'm not looking for help from a relationship like some do. I'm not doing it to make new friends. I just wanna see what happens when a brain that I'm used to running at 100mph is slowed down by even half that speed. I need to figure some shit out.  


Heidi Garton said...

I think that's an interesting experience :) tell me how it turns out. Zen Dante, Buddha Dante!

Dante said...

I plan on recording something before and after. The only thing that made me go "Uh..." was being asked if I was driving home afterward.