Wednesday, January 7, 2015

35 Effed Up Things About Being 35

Dashuh sent me a link about 40 Effed Up Things About Being 40. I'll likely not make it to 40 and my birthday is in a few months so I thought that I would take this opportunity to whip up this 35 Effed Up Things About Being 35. I have a feeling that some folks is gonna be bothered by this one. 

This is a age that I never thought that I would reach and sure as hell did not expect my life to be this way if I had. Let me know if you relate to any of these. I doubt you will because I'm special. 

Tell me about some effed up things about being your age. Or not. You have the right to be a jerk that is ashamed of how old you are. I still don't get those people. Or ones that either lie about their age or tell me to guess. Never tell me to guess. You may get your old ass feelings hurt. I'm kidding! See what happens when you get old? Lose your sense of humor. Then your teeth. Next are the hips. After that you're sleeping in your funeral clothes to save time. 

1. When I hear a song from my childhood on an oldies station I strongly disagree.

2. Flying cars will not exist during my lifetime.

3. Or personal robots...for sex.

4. Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster are still mysteries.

5. Most toys I played with are deemed too hazardous today.

6. Everyone celebrity I had a crush on is too old to have sex with.

7. Or dead.

8. Or out of the closet. Damn it, Maia Brewton.

9. The clothes I wore in school are back in style forcing me to see how bad I dressed.

10. I feel dirty when I see an attractive person and find out they are younger than my nieces.

11. The more my friends have children the less I want them.

12. People question my sexuality being this age and single.

13. Women wonder if I have been divorced.

14. Unless ass is guaranteed going to a bar/club is out of the question.

15. Picking up things with my feet is easier than bending over.

16. I care more about not having an orgasm in seconds than I do about being good in bed.

17. The age I am now was considered almost retired when I was little.

18. When I hear that a friend is going to the doctor I cross my fingers.

19. Heart attacks have replaced getting hit while walking on train tracks as the number one cause of death.

20. I wish kids had my childhood for one day so they would stop bitching.

21. Getting mad at people my age or older for forgetting we used to not have the internet.

22. That moment when I realize that at my current age my parents had five kids already.

23. That other moment when I realize that they are my grandparents ages now.

24. Realizing that my favorite cartoons are better left in memories.

25. Being able to say that I witnessed at least three versions of Michael Jackson's face.

26. Adding people on social media just to see what they look like now.

27. Trying to explain to kids that a game about a gorilla throwing barrels was one of the best games ever.

28. The regret of throwing away cassette players now that they are back in style. Seriously?!

29. Knowing that if you do decide to date someone chances are they have children.

30. Trampolines are no longer fun. They are physical challenges.

31. Being embarrassed that I ever believed in Santa. Or dreams. And hope...

32. Remembering how excited I was about birthdays but now hoping no one remembers it.

33. Happy that touching a boob for the first time feels just as it did 20 years ago.

34. Getting hope when finding out that great people didn't get started till 40. Then watching more Youtube.

35. Being carded and being mad that you have to whip out your ID and not proud someone thought you were a kid.

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