I am horrible on paper. Some would say in real life, but especially on paper. I have mentioned this to female friends that are safe knowing they would never touch me and my cousin who would never set me up with her friends. When you take a step back and describe exactly what I am like and what I do to someone who has never met me I sound pretty lame.
I went online and found the Match.com list of questions they ask. These are like any other questions you find online for dating or even making friends. I'm not sure how the hell you could find someone that is worth getting up in or letting inside based off of these bullshit things. This is gonna be really bad and make some of you go “No wonder you're single.” That is the thing. If I were good at lying or pretending to be someone else I would be in a relationship.
For fun: writing, talking, drawing, arts & craft, and movies
My job: none
My religion: none
Favorite hot spots: bed, kitchen
Favorite things: ironing, long conversations, eating, people watching
Last read: Gil's All Fright Diner
About me and what I'm looking for: I am a person that enjoys being home 98% of the time and wants someone that is honest about what they want and does not play games
Your Age: 35
Town you live in: West Hollywood/Los Angeles
Age range of women you are seeking: 40+
Location of women you are seeking: within 5 miles
Relationships (Marital status): single
Do you have kids: no
Do you want kids: nope
Body type: surprisingly out of shape
Do you smoke: if I feel like it
How often do you drink: maybe once a month
Hair color: black/red
Eyes color: brown/gray
Best Feature: legs
Any body art: left arm tattoos
What Sports and exercise you like: MMA, punching my bag
Exercise habit: just started
Daily diet: sugar, meat, cereal
Interests: art, movies, music, podcasts
Education: high school
Languages you speak: English
Astrological Sign: Pisces
My Place (living situation): apartment no roommates
Pets I have: none
Pets I like: the kind you forget exist
Now going by how I answered these questions I wouldn't even want to be friends with this guy. I know some of the questions like religion and politics are important because assholes love discussing politics and millions of people believe that if you anger the magic man in the clouds that you will be burned by evil demon man for eternity.
Housing situations are important because if I go to a chicks house I don't want to have to be quiet when getting some stank on my hang low because her parents are in the next room or a roommates. Pets. The older I get the less I like them. They are fine but mostly a burden. Yeah, they love you but mostly 'cause if you stop feeding them they'll die. They're like kids. And just like kids if you die they'll eat you.
The astrological shit I can't stand. Whenever I tell someone mine they are like “Yeesh...” because they used to fuck some guy that was born in March and now all guys from March are hard to be around. With work I am not working right now but am not close to broke or starving. I'm gonna make up what I am really looking for in someone. Mind you, this is all pointless as I am done dating. This is just me putting it out there that this is an honest version of the type of lady I'd like.
Physically: Shape doesn't matter as long as you aren't in a condition that could lead to me waking up next to a corpse. And don't be too healthy. I'd prefer some form of messed up and unhealthy but not too much. It would be nice to kiss a chick without the smell of liquor on her breath once in a while. No one too active because fuck hard bodies. We can go hiking once in a while but don't expect me to spring out of bed on weekends to sweat unless its for sex. Have some scars from crazy shit that happened in the past. Like shit you won't show anyone else. Or tattoos. That's cool.
Mentally: Don't list politics as something you enjoy talking about. Its stupid. None of what you believe in matters because one day we'll be in the ground and whether or not you voted Democrat or Republican won't matter. Have the ability to start and finish a book and be able to convince me to read it. And don't be an asshole. A bit of dick is fine, but an asshole is just hard to be around. Being funny isn't important as much as being able to understand what funny is.
Age: I put 40+ because hopefully by the time a woman reaches that age she is seriously sick of games. Lots of women say they are sick of games but continually play games. They do things to get a reaction out of the guy they are dating. Hint: you will not get the reaction you expect from me. Hopefully if she has kids they have moved out and don't visit often and don't want a father figure.
Occupation: I don't care. As long as I don't go broke trying to support her I am good. But if she does have a job I hope it is interesting otherwise I don't wanna hear about some lame ass people she works with and the stories are uninteresting. Could you imagine if guys started saying they wouldn't date or marry someone because of their occupation? “Waitress? Pffft. Fuck that. Get a dream, ya bimbo!” A chick wouldn't date a waiter. No guy is beating mad pussy off on their way to the car because they are a waiter. A guy will fuck a girl no matter what her job is. Its science.
Religion: None. Please just think that when we die we just turn off and that there's nothing you can do about it. She won't even get into discussions with people about the afterlife because she doesn't give a damn. She is trying to enjoy the time she has while alive on the planet.
Pets: There is nothing worse than getting ready to take the vein train to A-town and things are ruined by barking. Lots of chicks are tuned out to that shit. Like, the dog barks or the cat meows and they want to keep going. Not me. Call me immature. It doesn't matter. We'll never date. I don't need an audience. Soon as I hear scratching at the door my junk goes down.
What a lot of this all boils down to is the fact that I don't want to change and being with someone else means that I have to. I don't want a female version of me because we would just watch TV, movies, and fuck when we got horny after talking for three hours. To me that sounds awesome but I understand it is unrealistic. Some woman might read that and say that is what she is like but its only after being fucked over by dozens of guys and wants to try something new. I am new but I'm not the good kinda new.
I'm good to fuck around with. I know that. I mean, I was good to fuck around with. When I talk to friends that aren't women about not having sex anymore they think I am lying or crazy. That's is because they are thinking with their dicks. I have too many hobbies to think with my dick. I can rub one out in minutes and get back to whatever the hell it is that I want to do. Or I could call someone, get them over, pay for lunch or dinner, hope that they are in the mood to make a bad decision, and then hook up. I'm not that ambitious.
Click here for previous Why Isn't Dante Dating? posts.