Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Your Fantasy Dinner Will Suck

It always starts with a simple question: If you could invite any three historical figures to dinner, who would you invite?

Obviously, Jesus. Right? Wrong. From jump street you have ruined your dinner. Now, this isn't an attack on religion or anything like that. But inviting Jesus to dinner is like bringing your mother to the strip club. Again. We all know how that ended last time.

Why would you bring the one person that knows everything about you? I'm not talking about where you work and your email passwords. I'm talking about everything. Shit that you talk to no one about. He's sitting at a dinner table with you and some other nerds you brought.

Besides Jesus people tend to add someone that they believe made some form of historical impact. If you're Black its likely Martin Luther King Jr. and if you're White its likely Martin Luther King Jr. because you don't wanna seem racist. Jesus and I both know how you think. Ya racist.

Assume that MLK is all caught up on things otherwise you're gonna spend the entire dinner explaining how Black guys are hunted for sport and that we have a Black president even though the president thing would be fun to mention to him just for the look on his face in a selfie. No need to explain the internet and Pornhub. He and Jesus are here to talk to you about things you've always wanted to know or say to them.

Now we're at the third person. This is gonna be tough. The first two are always easy. Its like giving birth. The first two kids are always the easiest. Source: science. When we get to number three someone not real is brought up. You can bring in an actor but that is fun for a few minutes. This is a dinner. There are actors and actresses I'd like to invite but Denzel Washington would get sick of me asking Training Day questions all night and Helen Mirren would be so over me trying to rub her legs under the table.

You could bring a dead family member but that wouldn't be as nice as you imagine. How often does someone get a chance to bitch about how you didn't cry at their funeral or cried so much you took all the attention away from them? Plus I think Jesus would get annoyed with you asking afterlife questions of someone else in front of him. Let's see how well that “Is God real?” question goes over with his kid sitting right there.

So we go to fantasy land.

We can think of movie characters and while in theory this is cool most of the people I like are stone cold fucknuts. A few of my favorite movies of all time are The Crow, Training Day, Mortal Kombat, Heat, and Full Metal Jacket. I don't want to eat with anyone from these films! Time is running short so fuck it invite Bane from Dark Knight Rises.

Jesus and MLK will get along well enough. I'd be bored by their conversation though and start talking to Bane about his views which would upset Jesus and MLK. I don't want any liquor served because Bane can't drink, MLK would leave to find some women, and Jesus is the last person you want hammered. Yeah, it sounds funny until you realize he does magic. Real fucking magic!

So, yeah. Invite the Spice Girls. I would spend the entire time asking Ginger Spice about her porn past and/or the other time trying to get into Scary Spice's pants. The 90's version of her where she still had some extra meat on her bones. God, that woman is hot. Sporty, Baby, and Posh could talk amongst themselves.  

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