Tig Ol' Australian Bitties On Google

Australia is a strange place. Besides animals that feed off of the screams of its citizens and food that is fed to citizens that scream, they also like to mess around with the Google Street View cars. I know when I see one I try my best to get on it. They have not updated my street since July of last year but I have seen the car go by since and decided to throw my fist in the air out of my window in the hopes of getting on there. This lady Karen Davis (what an unfortunate name) decided that flashing the car would be the best course of action. In an attempt to be classy I edited the image of her massive baby feeders.

“I look at Google Maps a lot and I wanted to be on there and I thought this is the way to do it. I got to tick something else off my bucket list” she said to a local paper. As for any haters she has. “All the flat-tittie chicks think I am disgusting.” Gotta love that attitude. It sounds even better when I think of her accent. Look at them things. Today I was talking to a friend about crazy things that are seen on Google with these cameras. I wish more women would do this. Or just send me pictures of their boobs. That would be the best Black History Month gift ever.  

Run, Hollywood, Run

On May 18th, 2015 America suffered its first death by zombie. By August 8th, 2015 4,000,000 plus had been overtaken by the hordes of undead. Unlike in the movies where the world would band together and defeat the threat and live happily ever after, in the real world everyone panicked.

Badly.

By statistics taken three years after the invasion had begun, 8 out of 10 Americans were infected. Those not infected either by genetics, luck, or a forgiving God, are called Alphas. Zombies are called Zetas. Most Alphas became solitary creatures. Zetas on the other hand travel in packs. Many packs. Ray and Thomas have personally removed 3,000 or so Zetas from the world.

By pure luck.

Five Things I Learned Being A Passenger

I don't drive. I am too goddamn old to not have a vehicle if you go by, like, society terms. But I don't do that. Not that I'm a rebel or anything. But know that I am not responsible enough to control a two ton machine that has the ability to go faster than any human could ever run. Or the money to pay for such a machine. Because of this I am always in the passenger seat.

In this Five Things I Learned Being A Passenger I'm gonna cover what it feels like for me to be sitting next to the driver in a car. The backseat feels way safer in case you're wondering. But I tend to be sitting next to someone in the front with one hand on the door handle and the other clutching my pounding heart as people weave their way through traffic to get somewhere a few seconds faster. Its real in them streets!

San Diego Student Drunk On Freeway

Dashuh told me about this story where this 25 year old chick in San Diego was arrested for getting a little bit too turnt up. And by a little bit I mean so goddamned drunk that she fell asleep at the wheel in the middle of Interstate 805. A photojournalist named Paul Anderegg found Amber Dlaine McKinney Morgan knocked the fuck out behind the wheel while cars swerved to not hit her. 

He ran up to her window and tapped on it shouting at her to wake up or see what was wrong with her. As you can see from the photo, she was not waking up. I have to admit, she is pretty hot. Hotter asleep than when she is awake which is totally a thing. Stop acting like it isn't. Some people can be sleeping or have their eyes closed and you'll be all like “Aww...” and then they open them and the theme to Godzilla starts playing. Its totally a thing. So back to the story. Amber was not even trying to wake up. 911 was called and police showed up for a little smashy-smashy.

Father Shoots Son Over Orange Juice

The orange juice game in Louisiana is more real than I could imagine. 58 year old father Eldridge Dukes got into an argument with his 18 year old son after finding out that there was no more orange juice left. 

By the way, never fuck with someone named Eldridge. Its just one of those names that screams trouble. Anyhoot, he and his son got into a fight over this orange juice that was missing and the shouting escalated into a physical fight. I bet a nice cool glass of orange juice is good after a fight. The son broke a vase and after that all bets were off. 

Eldridge grabbed his handgun and chased his own son down the street firing three shots at him. The son was hit in the ass by one of the bullets but suffered no other serious injuries. Eldridge was arrested and charged with attempted manslaughter as well as the illegal use of a dangerous weapon. I have talked about stories where families fought over food before but I think this is the most extreme one. Its orange juice. Try explaining that in prison. No one sounds like a badass for shooting at their own son over juice. Liquor...maybe. But not juice.

Florida Couple Likes The Public Sex

Much like new beaches in the U.S and flashers, whenever people do nasty things in public chances are they are people you don't want to see doing it. This couple was arrested for having sex in public near a school in Greenacres, Florida. The Florida part is expected but the fact that a place is called Greenacres and isn't one word is just silly. They couldn't eve be bothered to split it into two words. Anyhoot, Danielle Stager who and 26 and Shane Johnson who is 38 were seen by four kids Friday afternoon dropping trow. By the time police showed up both of them were no longer banging near a tree but in their truck...banging. I bet you they have kids. People who have privacy don't do shit like this in public. It is reported that when Danielle spotted the police she said “Shane, we are going to jail.” They were both charged with lewd and lascivious behavior which is a misdemeanor. The are both out after posting bond and having to explain to someone that they were caught having the sex outdoors. Twice.  

Heartless

A Conversation Between Paul and Jim

“It went clean through?”

“Clean through.”

“Clean?”

“Yeah. But here's the kicker.”

“What's that?”

“Took his heart with it.”

“Stop shitting me.”

“I shit you not.”

“His entire heart?”

Johnny Panic: The Fidgets

I don't handle boredom well. Ever since I was a kid when I got bored bad things would happen. Its even worse now because I'm stank ass rich and famous. Getting so a guy can't even fly to China and tickle a few pandas without it becoming some kinda international incident. So when Ronica saw me sitting on the roof staring at the sky and ocean she knew something was wrong.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked me. Not in a concerned about my well being kind of way. But in a “Oh no. If I don't think of something fast he's gonna end up on the news” kind of way. I just sighed. “Are you bored?”

“No...” I lie. “Stop looking at me like that. You can't read my mind. Right? That's not, like, some new power you've developed is it? Because that would not be good.”

“Well, you're sitting up there looking at the sky as if you're expecting it to respond” she says. “So you're either bored, fidgety, or high. And I know you're not high because you don't smell of zebra.”

“I only smell of zebra when I have the angries” I tell her. “I don't have the fidgets either.”

“You look like you have the fidgets.”

“You look like you have the fidgets.”

What I Wish I Was Taught: Taxes

The older I get the more I realize how useless school was past a certain point. I was a smart kid and peaked at 10. After that it was nothing but a series of nonsensical events that culminated with where I am now. Every year something will happen and I'll ask myself or a friend “Why didn't they teach this in school?!”

Did you learn how to do yours in school? I didn't! If you did then that is awesome. But I did not. It was never even brought up. You'd think that since taxes are something that you do every year (unless you like paying fines) that your teachers would stress its importance and teach it. Its not like taxes are optional. College is optional. Hell, even work is optional. But taxes are not and it is silly that I was never taught how to do this from the age of 5 to 18 where five days a week for eight hours a day I was sitting in uncomfortable chairs being paid by people that hated their jobs.

Old Lady Likes Dr. Pepper

An old lady in Fort Worth, Texas is old. A little bit ago I wrote about a woman that was 114 and ate enough eggs to cause most of us to have a heart attack. This 104 year old woman named Elizabeth Sullivan has been drinking three Dr. Peppers a day for the last 40 years. Yeah. Let that soak in for a second those of you that shit on people for putting in their bodies what they want. “People try to give me coffee for breakfast. Well, I'd rather have a Dr. Pepper. I started drinking them about 40 years ago. Three a day. Every doctor that sees me says they'll kill you, but they die and I don't. So there must be a mistake somewhere.” 

Could you imagine being a doctor that sits there telling her how unhealthy it is that she drinks that much soda a day and then getting sick and dying before she does? For her recent birthday she got a Dr. pepper shaped cake. “When you live to be 104 and still can talk to nice people, you deserve some Dr. Pepper, but I never expected this.” She also got a gift basket from the CEO of Dr. Pepper. “Man I'm feeling good. I'm glad I'm still here. I'm glad I'm not in a rest home. Glad I can read books and watch TV and have people come by and say hello.” And of course she was asked for her secret to living so long. “You just keep living.” There. Now leave people alone, stop asking that damned question, and let people eat and drink what they want.  

Two Girls One Shtup

Cam sent me this story and as soon as I saw that it took place in China that it would be crazy. If Crazy Land is a country Australia is the president, Florida is its capital, and China is its largest city. A 21 year old guy named Wu Hsia broke up with his 20 year old girlfriend named Jun Tang after meeting 22 year old Rong Tsao. All these names sound made up. Over the next few months Jun kept trying to get Wu back with her. Wu decided that it would be a good idea to get the three of them together for a talk and not a three-way. Wu said “I was sick of being nagged from both sides. Rong was moaning about Jun and Jun was moaning about her and it all got too much.” This is where the law gets involved.

The two women started arguing with each other and then his ex got mad and jumped into the river and told Wu to save her. The new girl Rong, thought that Wu just might jump in and save her so she jumped in as well and told him to save her. The fuck is happening?! So Wu did the right thing. No, not walk away leaving these two crazy ass women to the mercy of the sea. He saved his current chick and took her to the hospital. Being the good guy he is he called his brother on the way to the hospital who in turn called rescuers who saved Jun. She was not injured but should probably get some form of counseling. And Wu needs to be better at picking women because come on. This is a situation no one should ever be involved in.  

25 Shots Of Vodka In A Minute

How much do you like to drink? Probably not as much as Humberto Moura Fonseca. The 23 year old died after drinking 25 shots of vodka. You did not read that wrong. I actually checked to see how much liquid that was and it is five ounces more than a Big Gulp or a little bit more than three cans of soda when totaled. While partying at a university in Bauru, South-Western Brazil someone thought it would be a good idea to see how many shots they could drink in a minute. One of his friends said “I knew I'd already had too much and there was no way I was going to be able to drink five, let alone 25. But Humberto and the others were really up for it.”

He as well as six other students ended up collapsing after drinking and were taken to the hospital where three of them are in intensive care. Police want to charge the organizers with homicide. “Two fourth year students at the university have been arrested for organizing the event without a license and for potentially causing the death of the student.” The university says that drinking alcohol at the university is banned. Granted, I have done some dumb stuff when it comes to booze and surely have caused alcohol poisoning and shaved some years off my life in the past. I have drank 8 shots in an hour. But never would I try for 25 in a minute under any circumstance. Why? Because I like this breathing thing.  

My Poor Teefus

So I went to the dentist today. I know that may not sound like a big deal to many of you because you go to the dentist every year or whatever amount of time they say you should. But not me. The last time I had any dental work done was when I was 9 years old. My teeth were fucked. Between cavities, brushing my teeth in five seconds, and knocking out all of the ones in front on a skateboard, teeth were not something I cared about. But today it was time to pay the piper.

A few days before my birthday I was coming back from Gelson's. I'd just bought a pack of gum and was happy. I popped a piece in and as I made my way into my apartment felt a crunch. I knew that something was not right. Gum doesn't crunch. Usually. So I pull the gum out and sure enough a piece of tooth is there. Which one? I head to my bathroom to find out. I am pissed because me and my cousin were gonna head to Project Taco for the first time.

Woman Kills Friend With Crock Pot

Ever since I was little I knew that there were certain people that you didn't fuck with or get into arguments with. Not just because having all your teeth is awesome but because you just don't know what other people are going through. A 50 year old woman from Michigan named Tewana Sullivan beat her friend to death with a slow cooker after getting into a political debate.

She was charged with assault with the intent to kill but once the judge found out that the friend was dead he changed it to first-degree murder. How did the judge not know that going in? Court confuses me. This all went down on October 22nd last year. Police got to Cheryl Livy's place in a senior living complex a little before 11pm.

They found her all kinds of bloody and barely breathing. Standing over her was Sullivan saying “I'm sorry. I did it. I'm sorry. I did it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” She and the walls were covered in blood. Police saw that the cord of the slow cooker was wrapped around Livy's neck. The crock pot was busted over her head first. She died two days later from her injuries.

While You Were Sleeping: Anthony Hill Shooting

There have been a lot of shootings in the news. Not the kind we're very much used to involving criminals killing innocent people or each other, but police killing citizens. For the last two years this seems to have increased quite a bit and since a lot of the guys being killed are my race it doesn't make me feel all that comfortable around the police. One of the latest that occurred was the third in five days involving a 27 year old Air Force veteran in Atlanta, Georgia named Anthony Hill who was shot and killed by an officer while nude in broad daylight.

Hill wanted to be a musician and had spoken of his mental illness in various tweets and on his Facebook. Some of what he wrote was “I am thankful to be something other than normal. I dont fight my circumstance, I embrace it. I love myself. Always #IamBipolar” as well as “The media continues to paint the same horrific picture of mentally affected people but I have to tell you, there are so many shades in between the extremes.” One of his last messages said “The key think to remember is, #blacklivesmatter, ABSOLUTELY, but not moreso than any other life.”