While listening to a show I heard about an article written by Ellen Burkhart about how hard it is for her to find a guy once she tells them that she is a virgin. I'll post a link HERE if you want to read all that she wrote. As usual, I'll have what she wrote in quotations along with my thoughts.
“I should be better at sharing this bit of information by now. I'm a 26-year-old woman with a college degree, a good job, an adorable duplex and no debt. I have a solid group of friends, a supportive family and a clear awareness of who I am and who I want to be. By most accounts, I am a successful human being. Yet the moment I have to tell the guy I'm dating that sex is not an option, I become a squirmy, awkward, fidgety girl who can't make eye contact or put together a complete sentence. Think junior high dance, only without a bathroom to hide in.”
I have a problem with that paragraph. In all that she listed she did not tell me anything about her that would make me want to be her friend, let alone date her. She listed the things that are stereotypically things that women care about when wanting a guy. Stuff. Shit. What they own. How they get along with people. I once listened to a chick complain to another one about her shitty choices in guys. Not once did she say anything about herself personally.
I wondered what she was like. What she did for fun. Why a guy should like her that had nothing to do with what school she went to or what her place looked like. Guys don't care about that shit. A guy will date a woman that had bleeding walls in their home if it meant they could get their dicks touched. As for having a clear awareness of who she is at 26? Check back in a few years. No one knows for sure till 50.
“In college there were a handful of guys who probably could have been my first, but things never quite worked out. One guy confessed to having a girlfriend back home just as I started to fall for him. Another had such low self-esteem he wouldn't make a move until just before he passed out. The most serious contender waited until I was so smitten with him that I would break plans, skip class, call in sick — whatever — to drive hours to visit him, and then dumped me, saying it 'just wasn't a good time for him.'”
If a guy says it is not a good time for him it means that he knew he wasn't going to have sex anytime soon. Plain and simple. You are giving signs that he is not getting any action in the near future unless he plies you with alcohol or catches you at a weak moment. She sounds like she is bad at picking dudes. The ones that got closest to getting into her pants were all typical asshole guys. That's how it works with girls who put too much emphasis on sex and losing their virginity.
“Something else that has kept my pants on all these years: Despite my Miss Independent, one-of-the-guys, often cynical/always logical demeanor, I am a hopeless romantic. I believe wholeheartedly that sex and love should coexist. In fact, I believe they need to coexist; that without love, sex is just a Band-Aid fix for something that should be addressed with words rather than walks of shame. What's more, I'm an obnoxiously picky person who avoids letting go of control, being vulnerable and making mistakes at all costs — a by-the-book Type-A perfectionist. The longer I go without sex, the more build-up there is: the more anxiety and curiosity, fear and desire, anticipation and uncertainty. Basically, what was once just another bit of my identity has, over 26 years, become a defining element of who I am, whether I like it or not.”
Well...there ya go. She is going to be typecast as a virgin, especially since she added a picture of herself in the article. I'm pretty damned sure she did that because the first question people would say when they heard about a chick being virgin at 26 is “What does she look like?” Know why? Because most guys know, think, assume, or feel that any woman can have sex at any time she wants it. I personally believe and have told female friends that talked about not being able to have sex “Because you are being picky.”
The only guys that can afford to behave like a woman when it comes to sex are guys that get sex when they want, guys that have been burned by women, or guys that have run out of fucks to give and will have sex with any woman.
“Every guy reacts differently to the No Sex bomb. Some play it cool while calculating how to coerce me into changing my mind. (This usually involves the showing off of foreplay moves, tales of the extreme pleasures I've been missing and/or purring that they don't mind waiting — unless it's going to be, like, two years, in which case they're not so sure.) Some bail immediately. Some fake acceptance — and then bail a few dates later. And some truly give celibacy their best shot before breaking down and, yep, bailing.”
This one gets me personally. I have dated three virgins. Well, one of them I strongly suspect was lying. Hell, the last one I think likely got so drunk that she had sex with another guy in the past and doesn't recall it. The first virgin that I suspect wasn't one was cool. We had sex and I lost my virginity to her. She was good at everything we did and a lot of my firsts were with her. Having sex the first time was not fun for me at all and neither of us got to the credits but over the years it was awesome.
With the second we dated for years and when we had sex it was fine...ish. She was not close to being a sexual person and I would have graded her a C+ on her skills and enthusiasm. I didn't split with her even though we had sex a couple times a year. She never said that she was saving herself or that sex was not on the menu.
With the last virgin she told me straight up that she was a virgin. I think on our first date. I didn't care because thankfully she was honest about it and was happy that I didn't run away. I would think that if I told someone something about myself that I felt was so personal and they turned into a dick I'd be happy that I didn't drag shit out with them. Her Christianity and inconsistency when it came to being sexual is what did us in amongst a lot of other shit.
This was all just to say that I have been with virgins and it isn't as awesome as movies make it seem. I don't want to be anyone's first anything, particularly because most people that want to wait, men and women, have the goal of marriage. I have no such goals anymore.
“Like I said before, I'm not anti-sex. I'm not immune to desire, either: It's flattering when the man I'm with wants so badly to rip off my clothes and have his way with me that he has to leave the room in order to respect my decision. It drives me crazy when he whispers in my ear and teases me in all the right ways. And, yes, in situations like those I do waver and wonder whether or not it's worth holding out for the big I Do.”
Its not. I know it sounds flippant but seriously...its just sex. It can be good or it can be bad. I know that people like to connect a lot of love to having sex. After I first had sex I thought “That's it?” I expected to be finished in seconds (which is something that didn't start happening till years later) it was so good. It wasn't until 6 years after my first time that I had fun with sex.
I didn't even mention the pressure. Oh, the pressure! Whichever guy ends up having sex with this author knows that he is going to have to knock it out of the park the first time to make all her waiting worthwhile. It doesn't matter how much you love someone if the sex sucks. You can love the fuck out of someone and end up getting good sex from someone else. If that happens I can't even feel bad for the person being cheated on as much as I know I should as a human being. But fuck it. Its just sex and I am currently still not wanting to deal with it specifically because of all the extra nonsense involved. Sometimes I just want a woman to sit on my face. She doesn't have to be in love with me or want to be my wife. But she may afterward.