Thursday, October 16, 2014

I Did Unmentionables To A Stuffed Animal

You think you love stuffed animals? Pffft. You don't love 'em as much as Sean Johnson of Florida. This 19 year old guy loves stuffed animals so much he can't control himself. While at a Wamart in Brooksville he grabbed small horse from a clearance rack and decided to do the damned thing with it right in the store. But first he had to set the mood. He took the stuffed horse to the bedding aisle and whipped out his junk. He pressed it against the horse and began thrusting. And this was all recorded making it the second worse sex tape after Paris Hilton's. I shit you not, if I worked at this store I would be watching this tape every damned day and dying laughing. I mean, I worked in a porn shop and saw some weirdness, but I wouldn't expect to be at Walmart and catch some dude giving the how do you do to a stuffed animal.

And before you ask the answer is yes. He finished. Because he is a champion. He as charged with criminal mischief, indecent exposure, and posted bail at $1,500. He even released a written statement that is way funnier if you imagine the sound of horses in the background.

“I did unmentionables to a stuffed animal. I need to think before what I do. I'm extremely sorry.” Who uses the word “unmentionables” other than old lady's describing their draws? The worst part, and it does get worse, is that after spraying the horse he stuck it on a shelf! Ew! How do you come on a toy horse and stick it on a shelf?! They ended up tossing out the horse and comforter set it touched because cooties. I'd set fire to that entire aisle. And this is the actual image of the horse. So while all of the world worries about Ebola and terrorism I sit here worrying about crazy ass dudes on the other side of the country dropping mad loads on toys and putting them back on shelves. I wonder how many times he's done some shit like this and got away with it. Tonight Eeyore sleeps restlessly.

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