Dante Bitches About Esquire Sexiest Woman Alive 2014

Most times when I bitched about magazines ranking one particular woman over another it is with outrage. I get mad whenever Rihanna is number one on any list. This time Esquire came out where their Sexiest Woman Alive 2014 and my reaction what more of “...what?” rather than “What?!” The winner, if you want to call her that, is Penelope Cruz.

And I don't get it.

Of course everyone has their own definition of what is sexy and what makes someone sexy. Cruz isn't sexy to me at all. She never has been. I've seen quite a few of her movies and not once did I ever think “Wow, this is a sexy woman.” I never even thought that she was all that talented. Apparently there are a shit ton of people that disagree with me.

I read the interview with her and it is all about bullfighting. Not her watching it. Not her doing it. Not her taking about it. But the writer of the article needed to fill space so he wrote more about bullfighting and what Cruz ate more than anything.

“I've played a lot of tricks on myself,” she says. “I've made it hard for me sometimes, especially in my teens and twenties. I had an attraction to drama. Most of us have that, especially if you are an artist—you feel like you are tempted to explore the darkness. I could not be less interested now. For me, the most attractive, charming, cool, fun, interesting thing—how could I call it? A plan.”

That is the most she said about anything. She doesn't talk about her husband Javier Bardem or her two children with him. Fair enough. I don't care. They are two people I would never want to be stuck in a room with. But I was waiting to read something that would make me turn over a new leaf. Make me say “Oh, okay. Now I get it.” That never happened.

What bothered me most was her being labeled voluptuous. I have a different definition of this word as well. I would never call her that but it appears that if you have one big body part you qualify. If you have huge breasts you get slapped into the same category as someone like Christina Hendricks who is big all over in the best ways possible. That's my version of a compliment.

I tried to figure out how she got this vote and who voted on it. I even checked to see if she had any movies coming out because that usually does it. Turns out she has a movie out every year, sometimes multiple ones, that I have no interest in seeing. Puzzled. I'm puzzled. I don't know how this happened. Last year Scarlett Johansson, and deservedly so. This would be like if Ryan Gosling won last year and this year Phillip Seymour Hoffman won this year because he's talented. Fuck that. Not sexy.

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