Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Five Things I Learned Creating A Resume

There comes a time in most people's lives where they will have to fill out a resume. This is never a fun process. It either points out that you have had some pretty shitty jobs, too many jobs, not enough jobs or experience, or in plain print shows you the bad career choices you've made. Here is a post I wrote previously about what I learned being unemployed. Click here to read that.

In this Five Things I Learned Creating A Resume I'm gonna talk about all the good, the bad, and the lies that comes along with creating a resume that will hopefully land you that sweet job sitting behind the desk all day writing on Facebook and complaining about how your talents are being wasted while your boss is paid three times as much as you and is so dumb they don't even know you're not working.

You Should Have Quit Sooner

There is nothing like looking back at a particular job you had and seeing how long you stayed there. And I don't mean in a proud way. I don't have it on my resume anymore since I've been doing so much reality TV stuff, but it was so weird to write down the fact that I worked at a porn shop for seven years. Seven years! That is a lot of time to have worked around smut. You don't think so? Ever been in a porn shop? How long? Ten minutes? Twenty because the dildos were so funny? Imagine 40 hours a week for seven years.

Honestly, the last two years I was finished with work in about four hours every day. I did try to quit maybe into my fourth year because fuck the crazy schedules I had. There is nothing like kicking people out of a porn shop at 2am when you know they have nowhere else they'd rather be. By the time I left I was opening the place at 6am (yes, there are people that come...ew...that early) and just had no more energy left in me to handle the amount of bullshit there. There were other jobs I felt this way about but they lasted a year maximum.

You Should Have Stayed Longer

There are some jobs you put down on your resume and ask yourself “Should I even bother?” I worked at a pet store that was terrible. Just terrible. Shitty employees, shitty bosses, shitty customers, actual dog shit on the floor. Mind you, we didn't sell animals. People brought their pets in which is like taking your 2 year old into a toy store with no diaper on. I think four months is a long enough time to feel confident in adding a job to your resume. But three months? That's summer school. Which I failed. Maybe you had a job that while bad, you could have lasted a little bit longer than you did. But fuck that. Life is for the living!

Overqualified Don't Matter

There are some jobs you look at and know that you are overqualified for it. But then you look at the two packs of Top Ramen sitting on your kitchen counter you realize quickly that there is no such thing as overqualified. You will do anything for money. Okay. Almost anything.

There were a few jobs I applied for and went to the interviews and had them tell me “It appears that you're overqualified” and I wanted to say “Give me a chance to prove you wrong!” Kinda like in a relationship. I knew that I was applying for jobs that if given the chance I would replace half the staff. I'd walk in and see people with flip-flops on and think “You? You're first.”

Your References Are Shady

I have had people use me as a reference and I am always proud of it. Yes. I will represent you well. But then there are some people that ask me to be a reference for them and I'm like “You were a terrible employee.” I have had to ask people to be a reference a few times and I have to ask myself a few questions before I do.

Does this person ever answer there phone? Will this person be honest? Are they out to get me? Do they even know what I'm like as an employee? There are very few folks that I wold trust to do this. After a while I realized that most places don't even check references anymore. And in reality TV a lot of it is word of mouth. “You know this Dante?” “Yeah. Says 'no' a lot. Works fast. Possibly gay.” Sometimes you have to worry about when they call your old job and what they'll say about you.

Everyone Lies

Cashier? No. You're in money management. Opened the store? Fuck no. I was in charge of insuring that the business operated in a timely fashion. There for just three months? No. A quarter of the year. I have always been paranoid about lying about shit on my resume because I'm a shitty liar. You don't really have to lie, but like I mentioned above, you can make things sound better. I remember that time I fixed the radio. Someone say tech support?

The funniest thing is when someone lies on their resume and get busted. When I worked at a pet store there was a lot of heavy lifting involved. They ask if you can lift 20 pounds and of course I could because I was about 19 years old. The problem is you'll end up lifting 40 pound bags all day. This one guy that worked there couldn't lift his spirits let alone a giant bag of dog food. He didn't last long. Because he lied. And was old.

Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.  

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