Friday, April 17, 2015

Dante's Guide To Not Shaming

This is a singer named Michael Buble. He is being accused of body shaming after his wife took this photo and he posted it on Instagram with the caption “There was something about this photo lu took ,that seemed worthy of instagram. #myhumps #babygotback #hungryshorts #onlyinmiami#picoftheday #beautifulbum.” Honestly, I'm not even sure what shaming means anymore. The world is a new place where no matter what you say it can be taken in the wrong way, particularly because no one talks because fuck you text me for 8 hours instead of speaking for 8 minutes.

I'm gonna see if I can walk everyone through how not to be offensive and shame people because there seems to be no right way to say anything anymore. No matter what you say to someone you are gonna hurt their feelings and be brought out into the public and shamed for your shameful shaming. I think that's how it works. Kinda like how when someone is being bullied you get a bigger bully to bully them. Right? Science!

No Fat Shaming. Don't make fun of someone for being a fat ass. They can't help it that food is so delicious and they can't stop eating too much of it. They also can not help that obesity is a disease. You got fat ass parents you will be a fat ass. Sometimes. Either way, don't make fun of it. Could they head to the gym and lose some weight? Couldn't they just not eat so much? Maybe. Either way its not your job to let a stranger know that they are too damned big. Or friends. Don't tell friends that they are fat and you care about their health. You could hurt their feelings and hurt feelings are far worse than dying because their blood is made of Ragu. 

So if you see a fat person just pretend they aren't there. If you stare that is rude and you are making fun of them. But don't not stare too much because then you are ignoring them and making them feel like less of a human being even though they are more. You know what? Fuck it. Just walk around looking at the sky. And if you happen to see someone you think is fat up there don't say a damned thing. Just step to the side and hope not to be squished to death. Not because they are fat but because that's how science works. Olivia Newton-John's Law and stuff. Look it up. I'm sure its a real thing.

No Slut Shaming. Just like how I can dress like a fireman and still let you burn alive during a blaze a woman wearing very little clothing does not make her a slut. Maybe she is hot. She could be the opposite of anemic. You don't know. Perhaps she likes having the feeling of sunshine on her skin. Whatevs. She's having sex with a lot of guys? When did that become a bad thing outside of the bible? If a girl wants to walk around with half her ass hanging out you know what happens? People have something to talk about later. You and your boring ass friends have something to discuss other than our boring ass jobs. It doesn't ruin my day. Shouldn't ruin yours...unless its your mom. 

But even then it shouldn't matter. She wants to get back out there. Your dad died years ago. If she can move past it why can't you, ya big baby? You expect her to die alone while you're out there fucking every slut you find?! Do you?! Unless you are dating a slut it should not bother you that a woman sleeps around a lot. Even if you are dating her you can't be mad. She's doing it because you aren't deep dicking her enough. This is all your fault and you're not adult enough to accept that responsibility. And guys can be sluts too. But they usually go by the scientific term absentee dad. 

No Dog Shaming. Oh, aren't you clever? Posting images with captions of your pet after it does what pets do: wreck shit. You know what they call a dog that doesn't ruin things? Dead. If your dog could type they would post blogs about your masturbating habits, that time your pulled your back sneezing, or your bad choices in relationships. But they don't. Know why? Because they don't care. They've been around thousands of years and have felt no need to learn to type. They want to eat, shit, eat shit, make noise, and bite things. They're like babies that can kill you. And they will. That's why they let you post these pictures. They dare you to be old or injury prone and own them. They try to slowly kill you by licking their assholes then your face. 

I respect dogs because I know that they are ticking time bombs of teeth and claws. Dogs know that the day of reckoning is coming so keep posting pictures of dogs doing dog things. “But its cute!” someone said that has done this with their dog just shouted. And I say “Okay. Enjoy your closed casket funeral.” Did I just death shame someone? Shit. I'd apologize but then I'd just be lying.

No Skinny Shaming. How dare you? They aren't a fat ass so its okay to make fun of them? The average American male weight is 195lb. And the height is 5 foot 9. You know how weird I look at that weight and height? I do! Some people have that shit where they can't gain weight. I was 150lbs. and 5 foot 10 in high school and looked like I should be on TV with someone asking for 35 cents a day so I could live. I got made fun of because of how I looked and you know what happened? I went home, played video games, and wondered why no one wanted to touch my dick. But that's beside the point and I may or may not have just Africa shamed. 

Being skinny could be a mental issue and a physical one. They have people trained to deal with folks that refuse to eat or worse eat and then throw up what they ate like a mama bird. If someone is bony as fuck just treat them the same way you treat the fat ones. Pretend they don't exist. Its easier because when they turn sideways they actually vanish! They solve the problem for you! So thoughtful...

Religious Shaming. You do not get to make fun of the people that believe a guy in the clouds that can hurl bolts of lightning at the planet and fuck human women and make half-gods and in the same breath praise a sky god that got a virgin woman pregnant that gave birth to a guy that died and came back three days later. Or you can. I don't wanna zombie shame anyone. And what happened to Jesus after that anyway? Did he come back, wave, and leave again? Zeus is the dad that left when you were young and God is the one you learned about way later in life and just rage about. 

Anyhoot, don't make fun of people for what they believe. No matter what you believe we're all gonna end up in one of three places. No, not heaven, hell, or purgatory. The ground, an urn, or in the yard mixed with shit from the family dog that ate us alive for posting a shaming photo of them. So worship whoever or whatever you want. We live in a world where liberals sound like Republicans, activists sound like their enemies, and Atheists sound like Christians. Just do what you do and try not to push it on anyone else. But if you do start young. Kids believe anything. Santa Claus. Ha! Morons. 

If anyone took this super serious I am surprised you didn't die as a child crossing the street or eating Spaghetti-O's. Damn it. I'm idiot shaming.


Evil Dante

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