Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 4

Click here for previous The New Hotness.

You would think that being the only superhero in the world would make me immune to things like jealousy. It actually makes it worse. Its, like, why would anyone else get to win anything? You can dunk? Big deal. I pushed the moon that one time. Sure, the tides have been kinda weird since but that's whatever. You know people used to think it was made of cheese? Idiots. I know its not because I tried to eat some of it. You know what the moon tastes like?

Of course not because no one else but me could ever try!

Everyone piles into The Beast which Zazz hates and calls the “destroyer of worlds.” Yeah, its a big truck that gets negative miles to the gallon, but it looks awesome. Especially when it is flying through the air because I'm carrying it. Ronica made me promise not to do any tricks on the way which means they are gonna have to deal with me being bored for the next few minutes which then means I will have to occupy myself by singing Britney Spears songs. I make sure everyone is buckled in, the windows are up, and I fly off.

In case you're wondering I'm wearing tight camouflage pants, gray combat boots with gold stars on 'em, and a tight yellow t-shirt with Anthony Bingham's face on it. The pants are for conflict. The shirt is for war. Ronica tried to talk me out of wearing it. Aimee thought it was cute. Zazz could only fit it if he were 3. Its really tight. Leaves nothing to the imagination.

It takes about ten minutes for me to get from Hawaii to New York where this meeting will take place. Yeah, I'm that fast. I land a couple of miles away so we can make an entrance. Ronica gets out holding Milly who is the only child that can fall asleep in a car flying through the air at hundreds of miles an hour. Aimee looks like she is just landing on Earth after being in space. Zazz tries to look brave but he looks like he's just been told that he'll have to start living a healthy lifestyle.

“We are here!” I say. People start to crowd around us taking photos. I pose with them and sign some autographs.

“You never did practice doing that” Ronica says.

“I never needed to.”

“Your signature looks like someone threw an ink pen at a sheet of paper” she tells me. I decide to ignore her and put my game face on.

“People of New York, I am here to meet the one they call Anthony Bingham!” Some people cheer, a few boo. I wanted more boos. Someone rushes up with questions.

“How's it feel to no longer be the sexiest man alive?”

“I just hope that Mr. Bingham can handle the responsibility that comes with such an honor” I say. Yeah, Ronica coached me.

“Knowing Anthony Bingham's efforts to preserve birds and also knowing your hatred of them...”


“...what will you do?”

“I like turtles” I say and head back into The Beast. Ronica, Aimee, and Milly are in the back. Zazz rolls up the windows and we slowly start driving. “That went...well.”

“It did” Ronica says. “I thought you were gonna launch that guy into the atmosphere.”

“I wanted to.”

“I know” she says and puts her hand on my shoulder. “You're growing up.”

“Are you calling me old?” I ask her. She just sighs and pinches me. “Zazz, what do you think of this Bingham dick?”

“I can't say” he tells me. “I haven't had the chance to see it yet.”

“Kids Meal got jokes” I say. “I wonder if he has any nude photos out.”

“No” Aimme and Ronica say at the same time. I turn in my seat and look at them.

“You checked?”

“Well...” Ronica says.

“Research” Aimee says. Ronica nods at her.

“Yes. Research” Ronica says and smiles at me.

“I can't believe my own lady is looking for dick pics of the guy that is taking food out of our baby's mouth!” I say. “Aren't you upset, Zazz? And don't you give me that secure in your relationship crap.”

“The less I know the happier I am” Zazz says as he grips the steering wheel a little tighter.

“Then you must be the happiest man alive” I say.

“And you're the sexiest” he replies. “Oh, wait. Anthony Bingham is.”

“Zazz...” Ronica says.

“Its fine” I say. “We'll see how sassy he is after I dump his entire wardrobe in elephant poo.”

“You wouldn't” he says. I reach for the door handle. “Panic...”

“I could do it and be back in time for this meeting with minutes to spare” I say. “Say you're sorry.”

“Zazz, just do it” Ronica tells him. “You know he'd do it.”

“Fine, sorry” he says. I don't accept it though. It had too much sass in it.

“Say it nicely” I tell him. He sighs and it makes his breasts heave. That makes me laugh so everything is okay.

We get to the meeting spot. Some restaurant that was hot three years ago but Bingham has some stake in it so we're meeting here. There are thousands of people standing around. I open the sun roof and slowly float out of the car. Everyone starts going nuts. I fly over everyone giving them enough time to get as many pictures as they can take even though that will never be enough.

“Hello, New York!” I scream. They scream back. Some girls faint. A few guys, too. Suddenly the screams get even louder. Damn. This place really loves me.

I thought.

Then I see why the screams got louder. Bingham. Anthony Bingham. 6 feet 2 inches of chiseled perfection. His blond hair is cut at all kinds of different lengths but he makes it work. He is wearing a dark gray suit with a cream colored shirt underneath. I can't place what brand the suit is. He has on 1989 Jordan's. He is clean shaven. He smiles and two of his bottom teeth are kinda bonkers but that makes him even sexier. Goddamn it. This guy is incredible. He sees me flying and winks. More girls faint.

I fly over to him and slowly descend. His smile gets even wider. I stick my hand out to shake his and he spreads his arms for a hug. I hug him and he smells lightly of marshmallows. We break the hug and turn for the cameras. Even though its daylight the lights brighten the sidewalk. Bingham leans in close to me.

“We just made history” he whispers. His voice sounds like British porn.

“I think I just came” I reply.

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.  

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