Saturday, April 11, 2015

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 3

Click here for Part 1 and Part 2.

I head back inside with Ronica and Milly and Aimee looks terrified and Zazz looks like Zazz. Weird and sweaty. He's glistening. Ronica smiles at Aimee which calms her down a tiny bit and hands Milly to her. I grab another couch from the den and bring it into the living room. I'll pick up a new one later. That's one of the coolest things about living in Hawaii and having the natives like me now. Yeah, back in the day for some reason these people hated my guts. I know. Seems impossible.

“I have decided to take the higher ground and not be upset about this whole Anthony Bingham stuff” I tell everyone.

“That's not the higher ground” Zazz says.

“Come again?”

“Higher ground means that there was some sort of disagreement between you and Bingham and that you have decided to take a more mature approach towards its resolution” he says. I just stare at him. Nope. Still no laser vision.

“Once Aimee learns all of our culture she is gonna run from you faster than you do from a salad bar” I say. Ronica punches me in the arm. “I'm gonna go meet this guy and see what his deal is. Ronica?”


“Publicize me!”

Ronica makes some calls and some announcements and an hour later there is an event where I'll meet this Bingham. She also gives me some of his backstory. I have to admit, I never really paid attention to how much work she puts into representing me. Later I'm gonna put some work into her. You know what I mean? Am I being too vague? I'm gonna take her to Bone City. Sex. Sex is what I'm talking about.

“Anthony Bingham was born in London, England and moved to Miami at the age of 7” Ronica says. I scoff. “What?”

“Nothing” I say. “Keep going.” I hate this thing where guys from that place are the hotness right now. They look creepy to me.

“He graduated from high school at the age of 14...”

“I did it at 6...”

“...and completed college by the age of 19 with a degree in political science” she continues. “Engaged by 20 and, oh, his fiancee died in a car accident a month later.”

“Murder?” Zazz asks.

“Murder most foul!” I shout. Milly laughs at me. “Seems like a pretty open and shut case if you ask me. Smart, famous, hot young guy gets popular and realizes how much stank he can get on his hang low. Next thing you know his fiancee 'dies' in a 'car accident' a 'month later'.”

“I think you are adding quotations where there doesn't need to be” Ronica says. “She isn't quote, unquote dead. As I was saying, he began a modeling career and found it too unfulfilling and began working for charities around the world saving animals. Specifically...oh dear.”

“The zebras and endangered birds” Aimee says smiling. The theme from Ironside plays in my head.

“This guys like your Lex Luthor” Zazz says.

“He is currently single and says that the heartbreak of losing the love of his life has made it hard for him to find love again. Aww...” Ronica says.

“Look at how close his eyes are” I say while holding up a picture of him. “And that nose. He's never taken a punch in his life. Like me. A man. A real man. I got the scars to prove that I've battled!”

“You don't have a single scar on your body” Ronica says.

“Who's side are you on?” I ask her.

“Can we come with?” Aimee asks.

“Zazz, aren't you worried about this?” I ask.

“Nope” he says. “I'm secure in my relationship.” Aimee gives him a kiss on the cheek and he smiles. Its a smile I saw for the first time during that whole Jesus Hammer incident.

“Have you ever been to the Atlantic Ocean?” I ask him.

“Your hubris will be your downfall” he says.

“Your hugeness will be yours” I reply. Ronica holds her hand up and I high five her. “I'm gonna get dressed to meet with this guy. I'll fly us all there in The Beast. This'll be fun. And I promise not to punch a hole in his chest.”

“It doesn't work when we can see your fingers crossed” Ronica says.

“That's my arthritis” I say.

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.  

No comments: