Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 2

Its dangerous for someone with my powers to be angry or caught off guard. A cat surprised me once and got to see what a cloud felt like blowing through its whiskers. Finding out that I was not voted the sexiest man alive after winning that honor for the past eight years didn't make me launch anyone into space. But I did burn my couch.

“Johnny!” Aimee screamed as Zazz jumped from the couch. My hot hands had scorched the cushion so I snatched it up and flew it to the front of the house. A moment later Ronica came outside with Milly. I couldn't even look at her. I was mad. I don't get mad a lot. I get bugged by stuff a lot but not mad. Right now I was mad. I was punching a zebra mad.

“You're my publicist” I said to her.

“I'm your lady, too” she said. I scoffed and was about to fly off but she grabbed my shirt. “I didn't want to upset you, okay? I know how much being the sexiest man alive means to you.”

“You're my publicist” I repeat and look at her.

“Do you even know what a publicist does?” she asks me. I just stare at her. Milly reaches for me. Ronica pulls her back. “As your publicist it is my job to manage and generate publicity for you. And I do that. I do that through your website as well as set up every interview that you do. If you don't believe that I can show you the records of these calls.”


“And as your woman I sexually satisfy you better than any woman did.”

“I know.”

“And as the mother of our baby I am raising her to be a good person.”

“I get it.”

“I don't think you do” she tells me. “I knew how hurt you'd be not getting that award.”

“I'm not hurt” I tell her. At least I don't think I am.

“You are” she says. “It just means that you're a human.”

“A super human...”

“Yes” she says and pokes me in the chest. “A super human.”


“The sexiest man alive.”

“Thank you” I say and feel better. “I'm still gonna mess that guys face up.”


“I know I shouldn't but I wanna” I say. Milly laughs. “Wouldn't that be funny, Millyface? Yes, it would! Just beat him up and throws his pants into space!” Milly makes bubbles and reaches for me. This time I pick her up. She starts chewing on my hair.

“Leave that guy alone” Ronica says. “He's a flash in the pan.”

“I think Milly wants me to throw his pants into space” I whisper. Milly giggles. “What's that, Milly? Not space? The Atlantic Ocean? And Ireland? Milly, that's diabolical!”

“Ireland?” Ronica asks.

“You remember how much fun we had there” I remind her. “Everyone talked like a movie character.”

“They had accents.”

Or...they were actors” I say. “I bet they'd like a new pair of wet pants. Ew. Speaking of which...” I say and hand Milly over to Ronica. “This verifies that it was her that peed on that toilet seat and not me. She has an addiction. She has a need. A need for pee.”

“I'll have a talk with our daughter about this later” Ronica says. I know she is just humoring me. She won't address this very serious topic. “That couch burned really fast, didn't it?”

“Yeah” I agree. “Scary fast. I think it was filled with matches.”

“You're still gonna go talk to that guy, aren't you?”

“You know it” I say. Did she think that I would not?

“Of course I knew you would.”

“Witch!” I shout. “Get out of my head!”

“Just be nice to him” Ronica tells me. “He's probably a fan of yours.”

“I doubt it” I say. “Guys like him are usually arrogant asshats. Thinking that they're the new hotness when they aren't. I am. I am the old and new hotness. Anthony Bingham. What kinda name is that anyway? More like Anthony...Bing...hole.”

“Did you mean Anthony 'Bunghole'?”

“That's even better!”

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

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