Monday, April 6, 2015

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 1

“Did you pee on the toilet seat?” is not the first thing you want to hear when you wake up. Especially when it is from your lady/biggest fan/publicist. I need to make a bigger deal out of that last one. Publicist. Because my publicist, Ronica, did not warn me about the fact that I was about to have the worst day ever. My publicist was more worried about pee on the toilet than my livelihood.

“Its just water” I tell her and pull the blanket over my face and she yanks it off. “My binky!” I shout and cover back up.

“Its not water” she says. “Its pee from your penis that is all over the toilet seat.”

“Maybe Milly did it” I say. Yes, I am blaming our baby daughter. She caught me early. I'm not good at this early.

“Are you seriously blaming our baby that can't even stand up for peeing all over the toilet?” she asks me. I nod. She shakes her head. “Walter, go clean it up.”

“I don't wanna touch pee!”

“It's your pee” she says.

“Don't we have people to do that kinda thing?” I ask. “We're stank ass rich. Why do I have to clean up my own alleged pee when we're stank ass rich?”


“Milly can fly, you know. Maybe she floated up there and just peed all over the toilet and now here you are blaming an innocent man for it. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“It smells like beer.”

“Maybe our baby has a drinking problem.”

“You are really bad at lying this early” she says and walks out of the room. She has a long shirt on so I can't even stare at her ass when she does. This day is getting worse and I haven't even gotten out of bed.

After cleaning the toilet I head downstairs and Zazz and his woman and there sitting on my couch, eating my breakfast, and breathing all my air. I stand there and stare at them. Zazz's woman smiles at me and I can't help but smile back. She's hot. Too hot for Zazz. She pats the cushion next to her.

“Good morning, Aimee” I say. “Nice to have someone acknowledge me.”

“You're the funny” she says in her broken English way that only sounds cute coming from a hot woman from another country. The next story comes on and Zazz quickly changes the channel.

“What's the deal, Oswald?' I ask him. “We were watching that.”

“He's protecting you” Aimee says and Zazz tries to sing over her talking.

“What's going on?” I wonder.

“Anthony Bingham” Aimme says. “He's so cute!”

“Stop” Zazz says to her.

“The hell is a Anthony Bingham?” I ask. “A new search engine?”

“Oh, no...” Ronica says as she enters and hears me say his name.

“Ronnie?” I say. “Who is Anthony Bingham?”

“No one” she says and quickly leaves the room.

“The new sexiest man alive!” Aimee cheers.

In the other room Ronica moans and closes a door. Zazz sinks into his chair. Aimee claps me on the shoulder and smiles. And the worst day of my life starts.  

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