Dante Vs. Nature 16

Fuck nature. Just when I think its done more than enough to make me want to stay away from it I go and find out some shit like this. The Brazilian Wandering Spider of the genus Phoneutria which is Greek for “murderess”, no I am not making that up, gets to be about 4 to 5 inches long and lives just to fuck with people. I asked an actual Brazilian about this thing and his reaction was like “Yeah. So.” He knew this existed and did nothing about it! There's a reason why I hate this thing so much and I'll get to that. Let's learn more about the enemy first.

Found in Brazil which comes a distant second to Australia in terms of things that kill for funsies, this thing got its name because it wanders the jungle floors at night instead of building beautiful webs we can see and avoid. “Oh, there's a spiderweb. I know not to go that way. Thanks, predictable nature!” Nope. This fucker walks around on the ground waiting to do something truly horrible...which I will get to. It is also known to hide under fallen logs, dark moist places, and near where humans live.

Dante Saves You: Con Air Edition

Every once in a while I try to save you from a specific movie. I know its a departure from the aliens, monsters, and clowns that I usually try to teach you about but calm your Black ass down and hear me out. This time I'm gonna teach you how to survive one of the greatest films of all time: Con Air! Yeah, that's right I said greatest films of all time. This movie ruled so much ass they had to produce more ass for the rest of us. Unruled ass if you will.

And unruled hair!

For the three of you that haven't seen this movie (welcome to Earth!) I'll give you a quick backstory. Cameron Poe was locked up for killing a guy with his hands which, since he has all kinds of training, are considered lethal weapons. He ends up on a plane that is transporting, like, the country's worst criminals ever. One plane. Tons of lunatics. You know I'll get you out of this safely. Relatively.

Stop Letting Old Folks Drive!

Enough is enough. Can we stop pretending that old ass people on the road is a perfectly natural thing? Because its not. And for anyone out there saying “My grandmother drove until she was 80!” you're a bad grandchild for making her do that. Plus, she'd still be 20 years younger than Preston Carter who is blaming his brakes for the fact that he plowed over eleven people including nine kids across the street from their school in Los Angeles.

I walk and take the bus everywhere and I know how bad old people are behind the wheel, let alone someone that was born a century ago! Think about that shit. I can live my life three times and still have a year left over to equal this dudes age. Everyone is expected to survive but a few of the kids are in critical condition. According to witnesses people started screaming and banging on his window for him to stop but he continued because old people have experience and no time for your bullshit, youngin'.

Jackmeoff Mudd Wins The Week

I’ve long said that at some point that I plan on changing my name to something cool or if some poor women decided to marry me that I would take her name no matter what it was. I know some chicks with awesome last names. None of them are Mudd though. Specifically Jackmeoff Mudd. That is the name of the dude pictured above. He was arrested in Florida, naturally. His real name is Brian Eric Rhodes but he told cops otherwise. The sentence “Jack me off, mud…”sounds like something you’d say during a masturbation filled fever dream.

Huh?!

I’ll be damned if he doesn’t look like Robert Downey Jr. from Tropic Thunder. The details of his arrest are shaky at this point. Some are saying that he was resisting arrest while intoxicated. I’ll go with that one. It seems very likely just from this image that he would get drunk and start some shit. He was also beating up a bathroom and causing a general ruckus. I’ve never caused a ruckus but for some reason that sounds fun as hell. “Oh, no! Dante is doing ruckus type things in there!”

Kids These Days 6

Kids are fat. I know this is supposed to be this terrible thing but I like it. When the zombies finally attack I’m gonna need them chubby little bastards to use as snacks for the hordes that will surely lay waste upon our society. People McNuggets if you will. I don’t know if you know it or not but they don’t have real cereal commercials anymore. You may see the Cheerio’s Bee buzzing around but he’s bee-ing (see what I did there) all helpful. He’s not pimping cereal anymore towards children. Its all about being healthy and helping mothers who don’t want to cook breakfast every goddamn morning for their kids.

You remember those commercials where the kid would get a full breakfast? I’m not talking about cereal, a glass of milk (which is redundant), and a glass of juice. Possibly a banana or apple. No, these breakfasts had cereal, toast, bacon, eggs, juice, milk, and fruit. Holy shit! Could you imagine what the fuck that would do to your body if you had that every morning?!

Dante Vs. Nature 15

Up in Alaska a hiker got mauled by a grizzly bear. That's not really news. It would be news if the story said that a guy was not mauled by a grizzly bear. If cartoons have taught me anything growing up it is that bears are assholes. They are what dogs would be if you left them in the wild for a few days. Right? Maybe I'm getting my evolutions mixed up. Either way bears are assholes. Just “big for no good reason” as my Grandmama used to say. Like that kid in school that was 11 but looked 23 that got called Baby Huey.

Now I know there are people that say things like “The bears were here first and we're on their land!” Hey, that shit didn't work with Native Americans and it sure as hell isn't gonna work with natures bouncer, the bear.

The report says that dude was taking pictures of the bear for at least eight minutes before shit got real. That's a lot of damned time to be dancing on a mine field. They checked his camera and none of the shots showed the bear acting like it wanted a Manwich. If we're not safe from taking unwanted pictures of humans, how is it safe in nature?

"Teenage Dirtbag" Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

Camaro stood on the front porch watching as the new neighbors son left home carrying a large gym bag. He made another mental note to research him. No one could blame him for lagging in his checking of the new guy. Between the four men he had killed the previous week and the school shooting he needed to complete he had been busy. He spent the school day dodging counselors regarding the four burned bodies found at his school and the school shootings.

He had almost made it through the day when Todd Stevens, his “girlfriend” Harriet’s ex boyfriend decided to have some fun.

Camaro was standing on the football field near the fifty yard line measuring the distance between his present location and the nearest fence in preparation for his next mission. Suddenly, with the speed of a cheetah, Todd pounced on Camaro. Rolling with the momentum, Camaro grabbed Todd’s left arm, flipped him over his hip, and slammed him to the ground. Camaro then twisted Todd’s wrist, planted his foot in his armpit, and yanked almost as hard as he could.

Five Things I Learned Transcribing

Ever since I was suggested for a job as a transcriber I have been doing it pretty consistently for the past two years for reality TV. Yes, reality TV. Knock it as much as you want but it pays well and employs hundreds of people and quite a few of my friends. When I first heard what it is I was surprised that it was, like, an actual thing that is done on pretty much every reality show. Sometimes it is called logging but for the sake of this I'll continue to call it transcribing. Now what the hell is it?

In TV there are writers and they need to know where to find stuff to build stories. Otherwise you’d see a jumbled show about folks just cooking or dwarves running around showing how much better they are than your normal sized ass. I’m sure there is more involved with it but since I am assisting editing right now that’s all that matters for me right now.

Kids These Days 5

I’m a terrible human being with views and opinions that tend to be shaky at best. When I hear about a male teacher sleeping with a student I want him castrated on Youtube because I don’t have cable and pay per view is not an option. But when I hear about a female teacher the first thing I think is “Lucky bastard!” quickly followed by “Is the teacher hot?” I am fully aware that it’s a terrible double standard. Leave me alone. This teacher Brittni Nicole Colleps doesn’t make me envious of of the five students she plowed.

Aah! Kill it with fire!

This woman is only 28. I know women in their 40’s that look way better than this chick. This is a hard 28. So apparently this teacher in Texas was having sex with five of her students. They were all 18 years old and legal but still teachers aren’t allowed to do that. She could get twenty years per dude. She’d be 128 when she got out of jail and probably look exactly the same. It doesn’t help that she has total bitch face. Urbandictionary says that bitch face is “Any person whose face makes them seem like they're a bitch.” A cellphone video was played of her having an orgy with some of the students. Yes, this video was shown during trial. I swear I would have run out of the courtroom screaming.

Rosscast Episode 261: Impulse Control

In this episode I talk about getting rid of my porno couch, my new job, people not being able to have conversations anymore, a Bitches Be Crazy with a stabby bride, and two Only In Florida stories involving cops yanking tampons out of a woman and a dude that loves booty. Click here to download this and past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Dragons Need To Exist

I was talking to Andy recently at work about religion. Of course when you talk about religion you have to bring up the stuff that to people who aren't talk about. There are things that are described in the Bible that if you saw it on the news you'd be like “When did NBC become the Weekly World News?!” People rising from the dead better known as zombies, talking snakes like Kaa, and dragons.

“And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads.” (Revelation 12:3)

That's right. Motherfucking dragons. In Revelations there is a point where a seven headed dragon shows up and starts wrecking shit. I know that they show up at the end of the world and its supposed to be an orgy of blood, fire, and death. Religious people get hard when preachers start talking about that kind of stuff. Me? I just want to see a dragon. I don't care that the world is falling apart and demons are running around bitch slapping toddlers because they haven't been saved. I need to see a dragon in my lifetime.

What is the worst that can happen if dragons are real? It turns out that all the believers were right? Good for them. I get to repent, say I believe in Jesus, and I'm just as safe as the rest of you maroons that have devoted your life to him. Isn't that an awesome loophole? “Man, there's no heaven or hell! What a crock of sh--oh, shit! Demons?! Is that Jesus...? Yep. Sure is. Oh, no here come the dragons! Did I say 'Oh, no'? I meant fuck, yes! There are dragons and I believe in Christ!” Done. I got to see a fire breathing beast that I have been told doesn't exist and I get to kick it in heaven doing god knows what. I'd make the angels sick of me in a few hours talking about dragons. “Are there different colored dragons? Do any of them breathe ice? Where do the dragons sleep? Can I have a dragon? Why cant I have a dragon? Hey, where are you taking me? Why is it so hot all of a sudden?”

The idea of dragons being real gets me, a grown ass man, far more excited than perhaps I should be. But I don’t care. We’ve already found out that Bigfoot is fake, unicorns never existed, and dinosaurs probably had feathers. I need dragons to exist at the risk of the fate of this planet. Then I read the next line, Revelation 12:4.

“The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that it might devour her child the moment he was born.”

Well…shit.

Dante Learns The 3rd Amendment

In my never ending search for truth, justice, and the American way I have moved on to finding out what the 3rd Amendment is. This is one I don’t really hear anything about and I guess its either because it doesn’t serve anyone’s purpose when it comes to doing dumb shit and hiding behind it or no one knows it exists. This one won’t take that damned long to take care of.

“No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”

Dante Saves You: Religious Fanatic Edition

Religion is already a scary thing. So what do you do when someone takes the belief in a higher power and turns it to 11? You fight back, you blasphemous heathen! In this special edition we’re gonna take a special look at Religious Fanatics. I’ve helped you fight all manners of aliens, monsters, crazy White women, and even prison. This time we’re gonna enter into the minds of these nutjobs.

I’ll be honest, this one will be hard. Some of these people have special powers or just bionic strength that comes from the belief in a higher power. Don’t underestimate your opponent. That’s the worst thing you can do with religious fanatics. You don’t wanna end up smitted. Smitten? Smooten? Hurt, okay. You don’t wanna get hurt.

"50 Stripes Of Gray" Part 1 of 5

Delvin sits in the waiting room with his legs crossed, willing his penis to settle. This is a two pronged will at play. One, his doctor is a very attractive woman that is close to a decade younger than him and is the exact duplicate of a comic book heroine he masturbated to as a teen. And two, because he has a urinary tract infection that has been nagging him for two months. His closest friend Gary convinced him to finally do something about his problem after growing tired of his high pitched screams as he used the bathroom every morning.

“Come on!” Gary screamed through the bathroom door. “This has gone on long enough. If you don’t take care of your cock how do you expect anyone else to?” Gary listened to Delvin stifled a scream before shouldering the door open causing Delvin to spray the faux fur rug with a frothy stream. “You’re pissing cream soda!” Gray shouted as he dodged a stream. “You need to see a doctor!”

“I’m good…” Delvin hissed through clenched teeth. “I’ll be done…in a minute…” Beads of sweat dripped down Delvin’s nose. “Its not…as bad as it…looks…”

Dante vs. Nature 14

I was looking at an article on Cracked which I wont link because that site is 10% as funny as it used to be. They had an article where they showed this fish called a Sarcastic Fringehead. Looking at it you wouldn’t think much of it. It just looks like an ugly and colorful fish. There is nothing scary about it. You might even be able to eat the damned thing. That is until it decides to open its mouth. Here’s a description of the beast.

Sarcastic Fringehead “…is a ferocious fish which has a large mouth and aggressive territorial behavior. When two fringeheads have a territorial battle, they wrestle by pressing their distended mouths against each other, as if they were kissing. This allows them to determine which is the larger fish, which establishes dominance.”

Now feast your eyes…upon horror!

Real Words Are Dead

I feel like Charlton Heston screaming at the sky in Planet of the Apes. Instead of yelling about shit being blown up I’m shouting about the further death of the human language. I feel like years from now I’ll be standing on a corner screaming in a language that is not longer spoken because I’m not an idiot. I’m guilty of making up words and damn near having my own language. Oxford’s English Dictionary releases new words that will be added and considered, like, new and acceptable words every year. I normally just shrug and shake my head when things like “security blanket” or “yadda yadda yadda” are added. But this year? This year I rage.

Graeme Diamond, chief editor of new words for the Oxford dictionary said this bullshit. “You have to show that the word has been in usage for a decent length of time and, most importantly, that the word is used and understood by a wide audience.” No, I don’t! Especially when these are the words that have been added.

Rosscast Episode 260: This Is A Happy Place

In this episode I ramble about my day, hit on everyone’s mother, talk about a guy who did something very cowardly, a Dude What The Fuck? featuring a tractor and cop cars, Bitches Be Crazy with a chick swallowing a knife, and a We Going To Hell with old people being gross. Click here to download this and past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!