A while back I wrote a Dante Saves You: Zombie Edition and in it I was being way too general in terms of how to fight against zombies. There have been hundreds of movies made about zombies and we have gotten to a point where regular brain eating zombies aren't enough anymore. Now they run fast, have thought processes, and even memories of their past life. There's nothing more crushing than looking into a zombie that used to be your spouse...and knowing that you absolutely have to smash their brains in!
In this Dante Saves You: Specific
Zombie Edition I am gonna teach you how to battle zombies from five
different types of movies. These zombies are gonna have different
behaviors and skill levels but that doesn't matter as long as you
follow the tips I give you. Otherwise you might as well rub some
sauce all over your ass and get ready to become a Manwich!
“A group of young shoppers and
employees must band together when a zombie outbreak over runs their
Hong Kong shopping center in the middle of the shopping day.”
Solution
Its bad enough that you're stuck in a
mall. Its even worse that you're stuck in the mall with some idiots
and there's a damned zombie outbreak. These aren't exactly the
mindless zombies that you're used to. They have some memories from
their past lives so if they hated you when they were alive they
really hate you now! If some fat sushi chef wanted to bang you while
he was alive he has no problem expressing those feelings now and as
we all know there is nothing worse than undead dick coming at you.
Thankfully all's you have to do is bash their brains in or shoot
them. Plus, you're in a damned mall. You have tons of food and
supplies. Stop being a female body part that is awesome to touch but
you never want to be called.
Zombieland
“A shy student trying to reach his
family in Ohio, and a gun-toting tough guy trying to find the Last
Twinkie and a pair of sisters trying to get to an amusement park join
forces to travel across a zombie-filled America.”
Solution
Running zombies. Damn it. In this they
tell you to have good cardio. I say you don't need good cardio if you
have good weapons and/or the ability to shoot at shit with your back
turned. I say hunker down and only leave the house if necessary.
Under no circumstances do you answer the door because someone is
pounding on it screaming for help. Maybe they should've prepared
better. I know there is a part of you that is trying to hold on to
that “humanity” nonsense, but we're beyond that point right now.
There are goddamn zombies outside! Sorry, neighbor.
The Walking Dead
“Police officer Rick Grimes leads a
group of survivors in a world overrun by zombies.”
Solution
If a zombie apocalypse happened the way
this one did, fuck it. Not only does it take bite to become a
zombie, but here even if you just die in the good old fashioned way
like a heart attack, hit by a car, or slipping in your dogs pee on
your floor you come back a fucking zombie. That's not fair to anyone.
So what you can look forward to is zombie killing and smashing the
brains of anyone in your group that dies of natural causes. The days
of open casket funerals are done, son. Remember to take out anyone
that isn't a team player. Lookin' at you, Lizzie. While you're at it,
hook up with the Black chick that doubles in looks just by having a
sword.
Shaun of The Dead
“A man decides to turn his moribund
life around by winning back his ex-girlfriend, reconciling his
relationship with his mother, and dealing with an entire community
that has returned from the dead to eat the living.”
Solution
Yay! Fun with zombies! If you absolutely have to be in an end of the world scenario then at least you are with your friends and ex girlfriend. While all this is going on she's not gonna have any choice but to want to get some action from you what with all the fear stuff going on and as we all know when girls get scared they get horny. Right? Because if that isn't true then millions of boys are throwing spiders at girls for nothing. These are the shuffling zombies so as long as you don't get surrounded you're good. Just smack and run. That last sentence explains why I'm no longer allowed in clubs on Hollywood anymore. Y.O.L.O, right?
“United Nations employee Gerry Lane
traverses the world in a race against time to stop the Zombie
pandemic that is toppling armies and governments, and threatening to
destroy humanity itself.”
Solution
Feets don't fail me now! These zombies are fast as fuck! No one can quite explain how zombies are able to topple an entire government, but whatever. Whenever I see zombies overrunning an army I figure that the military was just firing their guns in the air to startle the zombies into submission. The best thing to do in this situation is get a disease. I'm not kidding. Zombies in this world are afraid of cooties. I'm not saying run out and get the HIV or something. Just be not...well. Now just let this nonsense run its course and you are free to loot a big screen TV and watch porn in HD.
Click here for previous Dante Saves You.
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